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360 oracle items tagged as team oracle
July 11, 2014 / submitted by Tyler, United States of America
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #176
I've been having a problem lately saying what I have been wanting to say for a very long time. I will get close to saying what I need to say to certain people in my life (friends, family, past flames, etc.) but at the last moment my mind stops me, like it's the wrong thing to do. I've been wanting to spill all of my thoughts into the open about how I have been miserable without certain people there as friends in my life and how maybe I need more help with sorting out my feelings, but when I get close to writing it all down or leaving messages on their phones, I see how happy they are without me in their lives and I just, I don't want to feel like I am ruining that. What do I do? Do I spill the beans to stop being miserable or do I let them be happy and go on with their lives? I wish I could let all of this go but it's just a difficult concept. Thank-you for taking the time to read this because I really appreciate it.

Let me start by wishing you a very happy birthday, Tyler! I happen to know it's your birthday so let's hope the advice below will help get the next year off to a good start.
I feel as individuals we have the right to voice our feelings and opinions without retribution. There are sayings such as 'honesty is the best policy' that I do subscribe to. Mind you, they also say 'ignorance is bliss'. The people around you don't know how you feel & it sounds like you don't want to ruin their bliss. It's not healthy to harbour these feelings inside. You need to get them out. I think the key to expressing yourself freely might be to consider the effect your words may have on someone and deliver them accordingly.
Your negative feelings may evoke another's negatives feelings and perhaps that's why you have steered clear of showing them but there are ways of saying things that could avoid any unpleasantries.
It may sound like I am contradicting myself here but what someone else thinks or feels about what you say, is their issue to deal with (and vice versa of course). The most important thing is that you put your point across and are heard.
I think you should unburden yourself but tread gently. Letters can be re-read and taken in uninterrupted but the written word can easily be misinterpreted. I suggest you talk to people face to face. It won't be easy but hopefully you will feel a huge weight has been lifted and continue to speak freely in the future.
Plan what you're going to say (write notes if it helps). Explain that you have something important to convey and if you feel it necessary, warn them that may not like what they hear. Speak slowly and make sure people let you finish before they reply. Listen to their reply and respect their response.
You can't do anything about how your words are taken or how they will answer but the main thing is to be true to yourself.
Over to you.

'If you listen to fear, then you cannot hear your heart'.
On the other side of your fear is everything you want. You just have to listen only to your heart.
We live in a crazy world and the only thing you truly have is your own heart, mind and soul.
If your heart is telling you to contact these people then please listen - this is your duty.
Whilst you may think that your strong desire to make contact is merely for your own benefit, perhaps you also need to consider the greater mystery?
It is a very sad and scary fact - but we never truly know what is happening to someone 'behind closed doors'. Whilst you think that this person seems wonderfully 'content and happy' perhaps they are being forced to hide their suffering and are in fact crying out for your help? Hence, your strong desire to contact them?  I think we have all experienced those instances when we have done something thoughtful for another person and they say "You have no idea how much I needed that today?".
The wonderful thing is that not only could you potentially help another person but you will also warm your own heart by finally being close to the person (people).
So please get writing, phoning - running! Please listen to your heart - they truly are wise and beautiful gifts.
Much love and light and blessings. Penelope.


Tyler, I can relate to you because I have felt the same way also. But let me assure you that there's nothing wrong to let your feelings float because I'm sure it has been painful to hold on things that you really want to say. Just tell your friends, family, etc what you want to say and that you need them in your life back and as human I'm sure it's such a nice feeling to be important to someone so I suggest you to open up to them. About them being happy, who knows if they actually miss you and need you also? I mean some people don't really express the way they feel out loud and you might get a mutual feeling. Plus it will be such a huge relief to let out the things that burden you. So yeah spill the beans, Tyler and good luck! Natasha.

I think I can give you a help because I can somehow identify myself with you, I got amazed.
The problem can be in yourself or in others, you can have difficult in expressing your feelings or something it's putting you uncomfortable and having difficult in expressing feelings it doesn't always mean you are a shy person, you just need a "push".
I admired the fact that you really want to get close to your friends, you should do it because you love people. People can love you if you are yourself, don't worry about it!
I can give you my example: I play guitar and would like to sing too but i'm shy enough to don't sing, I don't let that ruin my life, I can improve a little bit my skills in the guitar and show it to people and thrill with them and who knows I get inspired. Catarina.


I think I can give you a help because I can somehow identify myself with Here's a secret about people: they want to feel good about themselves. They want to be appreciated, known, and cared for by others.
With that said, if you ever ask for help from your friends, family, or anyone, that gives them a confidence boost that they're reliable, that they're trustworthy, that they're someone to go to during help. (That's why teachers are there during schools: they're there to not only teach you about subjects, but to help you in understanding them. And if you ask questions to them because you're lost, it's not because you're bothering them, but because you're looking up to them as a source for help.)
When you ask questions, you are never bothering anyone. You are showing, unconditionally, that you look up to them, that you're asking THEM for help (and that you were thinking about them)!
Let me tell you: asking for help takes a lot of courage. I believe that you are strong to ask for help, that you're grand to show that certain friends are special to you. I KNOW that you can do this, Tyler, and I KNOW that people will feel appreciated to know that you care about them.
Not a lot of people express their love to others enough. But I know that you can change that, Tyler. It took guts to ask for help, and we're here to support you every step of the way!
Do your greatest, Tyler! #YouCanDoIt! Lawrence.

It's time to speak up and be honest with your friends and family. Past flames are just that, part of your past unless you still have some current interaction with them. The sad thing is you can't be saying things are always "fine" when they're not.
All these feelings and words unsaid are being buried inside of you. One day they will all manifest in ways like stress, that affects your physical and emotional health. Worry about you first, not about what people think of you. I know peer pressure and family pressures can be very challenging and difficult. You need to take care of you and your own happiness.
Don't get me wrong, you need to find those who are closest to you. The ones who have seen you at your best and those who still stand beside you at your worst. Those are the ones who will keep your confidence and keep you honest. Ask them one day if you can be honest with them about some things that are weighing you down. If they say yes, they have given you their permission to share what ever it is you need to tell. Once you've told it, give those stories and feelings an ending, and let them go. If they still linger, then write those stories down on a piece of paper, and burn it. Once those ashes are gone, let go of the painful past, and move on.
It's hard to be in the present. You have to make a conscious effort to learn from the past and let it go. Live in the present, and welcome the future with open arms. Good things happen when you least expect them to. And usually history doesn't repeat itself.
We're given a gift of a new day with each morning. How we decide to write in our diaries each day is up to you!
Be brave. Be happy and be well. Julie.


I understand how difficult it is to tell your friends personal things, especially the first time. But non-solved problems are always getting worse, believe me. So sit down one time, take a deep breath and tell the problem in one breath. With going around the subject (as we call it in the Netherlands) makes it harder to come at the point.
You also said you don't want to ruin your friends lives. Maybe you should see it this way: When your friends see there is something and you don't tell it, they might feel very uncomfortable. Being straight forward, for now, is my advice.
Good luck, Isabelle.

You have to do things in life that make you happy. Never feel bad about wanting to express your true feelings or emotions to anyone. Keeping things bottled inside isn't helping you, it's just making you feel more stress and anxious.You need to trust in yourself, and sit the people down that you want to open up to, and then do so. You aren't ruining anyone's life by making sure the way YOU feel is known, and if anyone makes you feel that way, then wouldn't it feel good to know that, so you can continue your life journey without that baggage of the unknown? Free yourself, its okay to make anything you feel known, honest. And yeah, it's really hard to come clean about things when you've been keeping them so close to your heart, but start with one person you trust and love the most, and then tell them whats been going on and have them just listen to you. Trust me, the burden will be lifted off you, and you'll gain the confidence to make sure everyone knows your true self and feelings and you will stop hiding behind your fear. Melissa.

Write it all down, your feelings, wishes, and regrets. Get it all on paper so you can see it in black and white. You say you have been holding back for a long time, you may not even realize exactly what you want, you just know you do not want to feel the way you do right now. If apologies are in order or forgiveness is due- then give them freely without any expectations. If you walked away from relationships and now think you made a mistake, go tell them how you feel, again without expectations.
It is not other people's job to love or fix you. It is yours. Do not misunderstand me, there is NO judgment here. Feelings are not right or wrong they just are. However; how we allow those feelings to become actions or reactions is our responsibility solely. Our ego strives to make us feel okay and avoid discomfort, but sometimes a little miserable is our Soul trying to nudge us in the right direction. Speak your truth, but speak it to yourself first. Trying to recapture the past is not the way to move forward to your path. There is one day you can do nothing about, and that day is yesterday. You only have control over yourself this moment, right now, this minute. You are strong , but you cannot possibly gather all the new gifts for your life with your hands full of the past.
Be Well-Be Blessed-Be Yourself (everyone else is already taken) Dani USA.

You are right about how hard it is to be open and honest sometimes. The reason for this could be that you are fearing what kind of reaction you will get. You also mention that you feel you should' let them be happy without you in your lives'. This makes me wonder if something has happened in the past. What ever it is, ask yourself which is easier to live with; the angst you feel now, or the consequences of speaking up. This is something only you can answer, knowing the people in question, and how they will likely react. Could a greater problem result?? Or could it lead to a healing for you? Perhaps an impartial friend familiar with this could serve to give you a heads up in terms of what to expect. Good luck with it, take care, Laurie.

Tyler, the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Keeping things bottled up inside creates so much toxicity. "Do I spill the beans to stop being miserable or do I let them be happy and go on with their lives?" Perhaps there's a way for both of these outcomes to happen. Are you absolutely sure that sharing what is in your heart will be received with negativity? Are you sure that what you have to express would actually cause their happiness to decrease? So often, the mind can get going on an endless loop, escalating a situation that is really only in our thoughts. I have a feeling that if you shared with total honesty, from a place of love (without expecting something in return), you would be surprised by what may happen. Write your feelings out and then decide whether or not to share them. Sometimes just writing without filters releases the grip the unexpressed feelings have. Release it so you can move on and create the life you are meant to live. You deserve happiness, too. With love, Alia.

It makes me sad that you don't feel well. In life you share happiness and sorrow with your friends and family, that is what friends and family are for. I am sure that you will feel much better if you share your thoughts with them and I am sure that some of them will listen. If not, you will know that it's not a real friend. You write that you don't want to ruin their happy life. Things are sometimes not what it appears to be. A person who looks happy on the outside might not be happy in the inside. Life is also like a rollercoaster, it goes up and down. Maybe next time it's your turn to listen to them. I wish you the best and hope that you will feel much better when you have shared your thoughts and feelings with friends and family. Love, Ann-Sofie, Sweden.

I wonder why you feel that you would ruin their happiness by opening up to them. You've completely ruled out the possibility that you could make them happy, or at least not make them happy or sad.To me, that seems just as unrealistic as expecting to be the center of all their lives. You should remember that, yes, time has passed and people grow apart, but people can also grow closer with time and effort. So if they really do mean a lot to you, just ask yourself if they're worth the effort and the risk of putting yourself out there for a brief moment of your life. As for handling your emotions, not asking for help from friends or family will only make you feel isolated. I don't know your age but If you're old enough you could see a therapist on your own and It could be private. Trying to ignore the way you feel or assuming your feelings don't affect people around you will only lead to more complicated and negative emotions. It just doesn't work if you're trying to live a happy life. Opening up and confronting yourself will be a step forward. Hope this helps. Love, Darem.

Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



July 11, 2014 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?

As you may know, we have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday we open questions of a personal nature to all of you to answer too. Then, I post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply. I will be on holiday next week and so you have an extra week to get your replies in.

ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight (GMT) Thursday 24 July.

I would like to share a problem I have with myself. Right now I'm a school drop out, but I'm going back to school in January and after that I will go to law school. Despite that, I feel quite lost. I don't feel I'm good at something, I don't think I have a talent. I have nobody to talk about this and I was wondering if you can help me with this. Maybe some wise words or a pious lie to make me feel better. Thank you in advance. Danna. U.K.

Look forward to seeing your replies.

The Oracle.

Please email your replies to theoracle@coldplay.com
Including your twitter address may result in a follow back.



July 4, 2014 / submitted by Laine, United States of America
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #175
I've gotta admit I am kind of depressed right now. You see, I have a huge crush on this guy, and well, he is soooo out of my league. He plays tons of sports. And here I am. I have cerebral palsy. It isn't severe, but it's enough to make me different. Noticeably different. And I feel like nobody is ever going to love or want me because nobody wants someone with a disability. How do I move on? I just feel ugly and unwanted.

I don't really subscribe to the theory of someone being out of your league. Anyone who thinks they're "punching above their weight" or "did well" is usually referring to aesthetics and attraction isn't always just about the physical.
I also think that - thankfully - there are people in this world who see inner beauty rather than the facade.
The world is full of people and of course not everyone we fall for is going to feel the same. Love isn't always reciprocal but it's worth finding out.
Personally, I don't believe in "the one". There's someone for everyone. I actually think it's possible to have more than one someone for everyone. Whether it's Ms./Mr. Right or Ms./Mr. Right Now, it's a journey so enjoy the ride.
If you like this guy, make friends with him (if you're not already), get to know him, be yourself and try to put your differences out of your mind.
We're all unique regardless of how that manifests itself. Embrace your differences. Work on your self-esteem and what you feel you have to offer. Focus on the positive because one thing I can almost guarantee, negativity isn't attractive to anyone - hot sporty boy or not.
Once you feel good about who you are, anyone will be lucky to be with you. Good luck, Laine.
Over to you.

I understand how crushing on someone feels. You want to be everything he/she wants. And more than often , you're not exactly. It is both a gift and a curse to develop feelings for someone. A gift because it gives us a sense of being alive and humane , someone to look forward to seeing everyday, and a curse because it hurts not having your feelings returned. I'm deeply sorry about your condition ,but I'm not sorry about the way you feel about yourself, because it's plain wrong to think of yourself that way. What you need now , than more negativity , is a positive outlook in life , and confidence. I believe if you're a genuinely nice person , you can melt even the toughest hearts, no matter your disabilities. Be patient , and also know that there is always good in the bad. Thomas.

A handicap/disorder does limit you in some situations, that's correct, but it doesn't limit you in love at all. Myself, for example, I have autism. Though I have friends and an almost-relationship (long story).
What I'm trying to say is that a handicap/disorder has nothing to do with true love (wow, Coldplay again). If you really love him, you must go for it.
Goodluck,
Isabelle

I'm not gonna tell you I'm sorry or things like that, even though I really am, but I'm sure you've heard it thousand times in your life and it didn't help you at all. The only thing I'd like to tell you is that simply everything in your life is up to you, no matter what. I understand that life is not fair, we haven't been given the same chances, appearance or personalities, literally every one of us is different. And from my point of view, this is the way we should live our lives, we should use what we've been given, live according to our own rules. There is no point in comparing yourself to others, because you simply cannot be like them and if you stop for a second and think about it, you'll notice that maybe you don't even want to. We all have our own different problems which I think nobody else but us can handle. Make the most of what you've been given, we all have our strengths and weaknesses, it's only up to us what we're gonna let the world see. I think you feel depressed, ugly and unwanted mostly because you see yourself this way. The tricky thing about love is that you always need to love yourself before entering anybody's heart and mind. Discover the strengths you're hiding from the world to be able to fight your daemons. And to that sportsman... maybe he's not only keen on sports. Aneta.

Laine, please, let me tell you one honest thing: that guy is no more than a miserable narcissus. He won't be able to love someone, because he is concentrated on himself. And you put yourself down setting this man like an icon, an idol. The pure natural beauty is designed inside the soul, not in the outer look. But nevertheless, I imagine you like a beautiful girl with warm heart. You deserve someone who can carry you through the long-long life. Only real love is a reason for us to help with the hardest problem ever to the person you shared your heart with. You should wait. Somewhere in the world there is a soul which is your nearest and dearest person. All the Nature's laws pronounce that two souls existing for each other finally come together. When someone will fall in love with you as deeply as Space is, he will accept everything. And what will be your cerebral palsy? Nothing. When you love someone, everything bad fades away. And the world around freezes. Only you both breathe and keep moving. And your hearts are beating like one. That's what is waiting for you right now. Believe me and be strong, little Laine. With huge hugs and many tons of support, Andy. Odessa, Ukraine.

Love has nothing to see with sharing sports and physical attraction... Love is something that belong to our soul.
You are right to be depressed as what you see around you is only exteriority, I am depressed too about it.But there is a positive point about your disability, this will make you to attract only people who care about your interiority and it will avoid you loosing time to misinterpreting love, as happen to the others.
Sure that one day you will find your half soul in the right person, no matter who he is and what he does because he will accept, without any trouble, how special you are and together you will share the real love. Unknown.
PS: I love a man who is not physically here anymore, but this has not changed our love.


I think you are in very bad trouble but, you shouldn't worry. I was in same things with you. I understand your feelings. You have 2 ways for the future.
First Way; "Show Him How Much You Love Him"
Look for chance how can you show him because, Everybody loves interest and love so, if you love him your league and beauty isn't important. You are equal with him. Don't think he is better than you OK? 
Second Way; "Love Other Guy"
Find your equivalent boy and deal so much to love him. Dream so many good moments with him, you will be lover. This way is easy and you will feel least hurts.
If you ask "Which way did you do?". Before I tried First Way but I failed :-). After I tried Second Way and I succeeded. I have new now and I am very happy.
I hope you will succeed with First Way. If you fail and looking for last hope, listen Death and All His Friends and find that. Bigo.

You are just as beautiful and important in this world as everyone else. Go ahead and talk to this boy! Get to know him, find some mutual interests, and become his friend. You never know what could happen from there unless you try. You may either discover that you have chemistry together or realize he is not as awesome of a guy as you thought he was. Do not get too down if it doesn't work out. It definitely doesn't mean you will never find someone. There are lots of guys out there who would feel lucky to love you. Your disability doesn't define you. You are a person, just like everyone else, made up of many different flaws and strengths that all together create something beautiful. Any good person knows that and will appreciate you for who you really are. Also, if you haven't already, I recommend you read the popular poem Desiderata by Max Ehrmann. Wishing you all the best! Alex, Canada.

Sorry to hear that you are not in a good frame of mind. 
It seems that you are challenged with a disease that you don't have any control over. That being said, aren't you judging others before they even meet you or get to know you better?
I am sure that you have incredible talents, strengths and interests. What are they? What do you do that is amazing? Share these with people. You want strangers to find a common thread in you, share it. I know it's hard when you are self conscious. Try to be brave and take a baby step. You don't know much about the "crush" guy and you might be surprised to find that he's not as superficial as you might think him to be. Take a leap of faith, you never know till you try.
Do something that surprises yourself. Do something that scares you just a bit.
You might be really surprised at the result. You will find someone who will love you with an open heart and will notice your heart, your mind, your personality not your disabilities.
Don't give up hope, channel your energies. Maybe drop "crush" guy, a card with a note in the mail.
As for your broken heart right now, seek out some unconditional love.
If you have a pet, they'll heal part of your heart and spirit.
You are not alone. Everyone has challenges, some you can easily see, and some you can't.
Wishing you all the best. Be brave. Find hope. Be well. Julie.

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling. However, I think you should understand that if someone doesn't love you for who you are, including your disability, then they don't deserve love you at all. I'm sorry that you might not have a chance with this guy, but I promise that there is someone who will love you for who you are. They will love you for yourself, even if it's not this guy. If you want to get over this guy, just stop thinking about him, and it will get easier. Love, Claire, USA.

You are not disabled. You are differently abled. There is a huge difference.
We put people into "leagues". You have to realize that people see us much differently than we see ourselves.
We are our own worst enemies when it comes to seeing our own value and worth.
You have strengths and weaknesses. So does he.
Instead of looking to what you may not be able to do, you need to focus on what you can do and do that.
Love is accepting. If it's not this guy, it will be another. You need to FLY. (First love yourself). Surround yourself with your friends and family. Join teams or groups doing the things that you love. Feel good about the abilities you do have and once you are feeling good, you will trip right over love.
Best regards, Tan.

Nobody perfect in this world. Even me or The Oracle who knows everything (I think I'm wrong, might be). So, let me tell you something about your problem. Well, I felt that everyday with my crush. And I always tell to myself HE NEVER LIKE YOU, FORGET ABOUT HIM' . One day I watched a movie from Thailand. Which the story is kinda same with my story. A girl who looks disability love a boy who plays soccers who is very handsome. The girl always tried to make a boy loves her until the girl want to tell the about her feeling but he already belongs to someone else. But we can see in the end of story that the truth is the boy is already in love with the girl before she make impress him. So, maybe it's gonna be your story. Don't ever stop to love him and be who you are and don't be afraid. Because I know even I can't see you right now I know that you are beautiful and everybody want to be around with a beautiful girl like you.
Love, Dahlia.


Your situation, Laine, is so sad to read, mainly because you feel "ugly and unwanted" due to circumstances beyond your control.  I'm sure dealing with any kind of physical condition such as yours will be a lifelong struggle, but the first thing you should recognize is that your impairment doesn't - and shouldn't - define YOU as a person. Don't assume anything, about anyone else, either. Allow the young man to get to know you and take it from there. Unfortunately, you will meet some people who find it hard to deal with your condition, but until you allow them to get to know you, there will never be a chance for anyone to like you - or even love you - for yourself.  Aren't we all different in one way or another?
I'm hoping you will speak to the people who monitor your physical disabilities, be it your family, close friends, physicians. If not themselves, they can surely guide you to a professional who can address your emotional troubles. Everyone has an inner beauty - allow it to shine through! You are not ugly - just lacking in confidence and the needed ability to handle social encounters. I know your beauty is just waiting to shine through, so give it a chance.
Blessings, Sandy

Look, to tell you the truth, it doesn't matter if you're noticeably different. Every girl has felt ugly and unwanted at least once in her life. If you weren't as you are, you'd probably have issues with the way you look, or things you say, or anything else !
About this guy - how well do you know him ? You know, a guy is human after all - he will fall in love with a girl he feels good around etc. Keep in mind that relationships never rely on appearances, but on personality! In other words, my advice to you is : keep your faith. You will find somebody worthy of your love, who will love your "differences" and everything else about you. But what's really important is that you find the strength to love yourself, because if you don't, how do you expect someone else to ?
Hope you'll find your prince charming.
Valentine, France.


Lovely One.... 'It's not what you are that holds you back; it's what you think you're not'. D. Waitley. I do not know a Soul that hasn't felt the heart break of a crush. The search for love is timeless; just look at the amount of dating sites and people trying to find that special someone. The secret is... to first find yourself.  Loving yourself and getting to know who you are; your talents, gifts, and what you have to bring to this world is the best place to start.  As your self-confidence grows your sparkle and beauty will radiate out and that will attract the right person for you.
I work with a man that has cerebral palsy, it is severe. I watch him walk a long hallway to get to his office and see him some times have to use his hands to push on the back of his legs to get his stride going. He is different - he is astounding! I tell you this not as some kind of dramatic comparison - I tell you this because he has a beautiful wife, adorable kids, and humble yet confident aura about him. It is who you are, not how you walk or talk, that is important.  Do not settle or put restriction on what is possible for your life. There is someone out there that is meant just for you. There is someone that will look at you and see A Sky Full of Stars.
Be Well-Be Blessed-Be Yourself (everyone else is already taken). Cheers to you, Dani USA.

The first thing that jumped out at me while reading your post was the term "he's so out of my league". While this guy may be active in sports that you are not, this does not put him in a place above you. Dear Laine, though we have never met, I know there is more to you than your disability! What is in your mind and heart is what matters. Now I know our society puts great value in our looks (I get this, I am a middle aged woman!), but I would like you to focus on all the things that you love about yourself, and your uniqueness, and your special qualities that make you you. Remember, there is only one Laine in the world! Don't be hard on yourself. I know the feeling of waking up some days and feeling ugly and insecure. We all have those days. But what gets me through is knowing there is no one out there exactly like me, so I'm going to be the best version of myself that I can be. Best of luck to you Laine. I am rooting for you!
Christine from Tracy, California.


I realize that your situation maybe a little bit different, but I am going to give you the same advice that I give anyone who feels alone or unloved.
Many of us have at one time or another felt unloved, alone or loved another that does not love us. So many times we are told that we will find someone, and just to be patient and wait for it. But maybe we need to re-program how we think about romantic love.
Don't wait for someone to love you. Learn to love yourself. Fill your life with family, friends and things that you love to do and are passionate about. Then, if someone does come along and you fall in love... they will become a part of your happy life and not your whole life that your happiness is dependent upon.
I did a little research and found an article that I think that you would give you some hope. Here is the link. I really like the part called "star-crossed lovers".
Have hope, Dawn.

Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



July 4, 2014 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?

As you may know, we have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday we open questions of a personal nature to all of you to answer too. Then, the following Friday, I post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply.

ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Thursday 10 July.

I've been having a problem lately saying what I have been wanting to say for a very long time. I will get close to saying what I need to say to certain people in my life (friends, family, past flames, etc.) but at the last moment my mind stops me, like it's the wrong thing to do. I've been wanting to spill all of my thoughts into the open about how I have been miserable without certain people there as friends in my life and how maybe I need more help with sorting out my feelings, but when I get close to writing it all down or leaving messages on their phones, I see how happy they are without me in their lives and I just, I don't want to feel like I am ruining that. What do I do? Do I spill the beans to stop being miserable or do I let them be happy and go on with their lives? I wish I could let all of this go but it's just a difficult concept. Thank-you for taking the time to read this because I really appreciate it. Tyler.

Look forward to seeing your replies.

The Oracle.

Please email your replies to theoracle@coldplay.com
Including your twitter address may result in a follow back.



June 27, 2014 / submitted by Sheena, Philippines
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #174
Yesterday was my birthday, and I found out that my estranged dad was undergoing a bypass operation. I don't celebrate my birthdays because my dad was never there. I grew up kind of hating him. But now, I just don't know what to feel. I still care about him, despite him being not much of a father to me. Yet, I still remember how he made my mom cry all these years, and the side of me that hates him just resurfaces. And I know that's wrong. What to do?

Happy belated birthday, Sheena. It's completely understandable why you have these feelings towards your Dad. He may be your Dad biologically but he certainly hasn't been a father to you.
I'm sure it wasn't easy watching your Mum suffer but you also had issues to deal with so don't ignore your feelings. I do think it would help you to talk to someone outside of the family - a counsellor perhaps. You're obviously holding on to a lot of negativity and maybe now is time to let go and be in a position where your birthday becomes a celebration of your life rather than an unwanted reminder of who gave that life to you.
You don't owe your dad anything but if you feel you should be there for him, do it IF that feels right for you.
There are many options moving forward. Forgiving him but having no contact, being there during this time of sickness or to continue as you are. It's up to you. You can't change what happened but you can change how you deal with it.
Over to you.

Hey there Sheena , I know what it feels like to hate someone you love. But at the end of the day, your dad is still family. And we stick to the end for family , because no matter what , we don't give up on family.

Sheena I think in this situation you have to put yourself first. How would you feel if the worst happened and you didn't get another chance to speak to your father? If you have unanswered questions or things left unsaid then now is a good opportunity to clear the air. You may worry about upsetting your Mother but remember the breakdown in their relationship was not your fault, maybe tell her first if you can. But go with your instincts and if you feel you would gain from making contact with your father then take a deep breath and go for it.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.
Tanya UK.

When it comes to how we feel toward those in our family, I find it goes both ways. For example, when someone makes a stupid mistake or just feels terrible for some reason, the family is often the only people who will love them unconditionally anyway. At the same time, it is often harder to get over feelings toward family members who have hurt you or others in your family than if it was someone you know outside of your family. So I understand you when you say that you care for your father but that it is hard to get over the old feelings toward him. If you find it too hard to get over those feelings, try looking at him as a person who just underwent bypass surgery and needs support for that, and not as the father who hurt you and your family. A short phone call just to make sure he made it through the operation ok can mean a lot to him without either of you having to confront past actions. Gavin.

Sheena, go see your father before/after his bypass surgery. He may have not always been there for you, but you can be there for him. Don't fight fire with fire or you might burn your relationship down. No one ever truly won by getting revenge. You can be a light in this dark world to him. Life is just too short to harbor hatred Sheena. It won't be the easiest thing to do, but it will be the most rewarding. Who knows? Maybe the relationship between you and your father will become stronger. You have much to gain by going and seeing him and you also have little to lose if you don't. Hope this helps! Nicholas.

I see you feel very hurt from your father and it's hard to forgive or to understand. But it is easy for us to judge other people based just on what we see from outside. You saw sad things that made you hate him, but you you cannot see what he has been passing through, or why was he never there. Maybe there is more than you actually know and it would be good to give him a chance to talk to you. Sometimes listening to the other side can be really surprising and changing. Don't let this chance go, maybe you did not have good memories about him, but you could start new ones after this moment. Wish you all the best! Mariana, Brazil.

First of all, Happy Birthday! Please don't let another year pass by without sitting down with your father and telling him exactly how you feel. The anger and resentment you are holding onto against him is doing much more damage to you, physically and psychologically, in the long term. (Let's not forget, not celebrating your own birthday!) Once you are able to tell your father everything you want to say, I'm guessing you will feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders. You will know in your heart if he is truly remorseful for his actions and willing to change. If so, maybe there is the possibility of your forgiveness? We are all capable of change and deserving of forgiveness.
There is always the possibility of a redefined father/daughter relationship that you never imagined. But, if he has not grown as a person or is stuck in his old habits, then you will have to accept the gift of forgiveness that you are giving YOURSELF and keep it moving. The Buddha once said that holding onto anger is like holding a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Some people cannot keep themselves from their toxic behavior(s) and we have to choose to love them from a distance, even if they are family. Either way, talk with your father and get whatever support you need around you to deal with the situation. Best of luck! Holley

Don't feel bad about hating your dad. You are conscious about it, and that matters a lot. It's not your fault for the things that happened to you or to your family. Maybe your father also feels bad about the situation. Even if he seems not to, I'm sure he just wasn't conscious enough to realize that you and your mother would suffer that much. And no matter what kind of things you feel towards him remember it's no one's fault, because sometimes the events throughout life just happen without anyone being able to control them.
If you look to the past you'll see things that happened and not you or anyone can change, but if you look to the present, you'll eventually be able to find a way to change things, to make everyone feel better, because everyone suffers, and since you and your mother suffer because of him, you probably never thought that your father might suffer too. Maybe you should talk to your dad and explain how you feel without letting the hate come to your words. It might be difficult to think about facing him but if you feel it's the best thing you can do, then do it and you'll see that it won't be that hard. After all he's your father and even if he acts like a cold person, he's human and every human has a heart, just like yours.
From someone who was in a similar situation, Cris, Portugal.


I'm sorry to hear you heard such sad news on your birthday. Nevertheless, I hope you had a great day and your father's operation went successfully. It seems only natural to hear of your bad feelings towards your dad that sometimes crop up, so don't be too hard on yourself, just begin to focus on how you cope with those feelings and how you want your relationship to pan out in the future. Remembering what's happened in the past will be easy, but coming to create a new future between you and your dad will seem really hard, but it's kind of essential. Ignore him and you'll feel like a bad daughter. Smother him and you'll feel like the past doesn't matter.

Finding the ground between the two extremes has to be essentially found by you, judging the dynamics of your own relationship. Forgiving your father for the past might seem almost impossible, but it might just ease your load and help begin to reconcile you both. He might not have been much of a father to you, but you have the chance to show that you are his daughter and to show love to him. No matter what someone has done, showing love to them will never hurt either of you.
Happy Birthday for yesterday, Tom.

Sheena, you with your father are going through tough times. No matter what kind of pain was caused, no matter how tall walls you built: everything fades at the moment when you realize that you can lose him. This is the most evidential thing to feel. If you really are worried about him, everything's not lost. You both deserve a happiness. Make a step towards him, and you will know the answer for sure: you are needed as strongly as he is needed to you. You don't have to be brave enough to cross out some person from your life. But you need to be as brave as possible to confess that nothing can push you to deny the person you love. As they say, you love not for a reason, you love against the reason. Step forward, and smile from the step in answer. Andy.

Sheena, please don't ever let your dad determine your happiness. We as individuals determine our own happiness. You can choose to let your father's absence make you unhappy, or you can choose to be happy regardless of the circumstances. You should never allow him to steal your happiness because you deserve to be happy regardless of him. Celebrate your birthday! You have so much to be joyful about, so why let that all drain away because one person won't be there for you? You're worth more than that.
I'm also in a very similar situation with my dad. My dad is very unhealthy (emotionally and mentally), and thus he's never really been there for my family. Yes he comes to birthdays and such, but he's not there when we really need him (emotionally). He's caused my family so much grief, and as a result none of us really like him. I have feelings of resentment towards him, and I can understand how you do, too. It's ok to feel that way; he's hurt you. It's human nature to feel pain and resentment when someone hurts us. However, for both of us, it's up to us to move past the pain and choose how we will react to it. Both of us have so much life to live, so why waste it feeling hurt and not allowing ourselves to be happy amongst the pain?
It's ok to still care about him, you should. Just don't let him steal your happiness. Brooke.

Sheena, Your birthday is a celebration of you! You are not defined by your father, his mistakes, or his problems. The best gift you could give yourself is to realize that you are the most important person in your world. Allow yourself your feelings, with no judgment, but do not be controlled by them. You are a caring wondrous human being so of course you "still care about him". We all have our paths to walk in life your direction and your destiny belongs to you alone.
The empathy that you have expressed for both of your parents shows the warmth of your heart, show yourself the same kindness and boldly set your bounadries. Though you may feel a bit wounded you are not broken, or bent, you are Whole! Celebrate life, celebrate Sheena, and let the world see you shine. You are here to do great things.
Be Well-Be Blessed-Be Yourself (everyone else is already taken).
Cheers to you, Dani USA.


I understand that the rejection your father has shown you has been painful, and often people live with resentment for long periods.
While this is understandable, it is not helpful in the healing process.
In order to heal you must move past the anger and resentment. You need to learn to forgive. If for no one else other than yourself...learn to forgive and let go. I believe it is the only way for a person to have peace in their life.
There is nothing you can do about what is in the past and you have no control over his actions.
However, you can move forward and create a better life for yourself in the future. You do have control over your thoughts and actions and those are powerful.
Don't dwell in anger over what other people have done or said. Try to focus more on who you are and the person you want to become.
Whether positive or negative, which ever thoughts you feed will grow.
Finally... don't let what someone did to you (and your mother) in the past, prevent you from having a bright future. Celebrate your birthday. Celebrate your life with hope and belief that it can and will get better.
Be well. Dawn

First off your feelings are not wrong they are yours, you have years of anger and resentment toward your father. Now you are perplexed as to whether to reach out to him. I wonder if this is to please a relative or perhaps you feel a sense of duty or obligation? I would suggest if you do reach out to him keep it light and not too personal and make it clear you are not reopening the lines of communication, but merely wanted to wish him a speedy recovery. Maybe one day you can address all your issues with him, but be cautious. Don't let him off the hook for what he did to you, you deserved better. It is sad that you don't have a relationship with him but that is not your fault is it? So don't feel guilty and do what your heart says you should. Best of luck! Name withheld.

Sheena, although the things that happen in the past can remain with us, there comes a time when freedom is more desirable than the bondage of hanging on to what is already done. When I was a Hospice nurse, working with people who were terminally ill, the most common thing I encountered was feelings of regret. Families who had "unfinished business" left unsaid had the most difficult time moving on with their lives. Forgiveness is everything. To forgive is not to enable or agree with another's actions. Forgiveness is about setting yourself free. Sometimes, we need to let go of one story in order to create a new one. We can never really know what drives people to do what they do. Your father did things that were hurtful. Hating him will only create toxicity within you. Hate does more harm to the person hating than the person hated. You now have the power to choose the path you're going to create. Choose Love - it's all that really matters. Alia, USA.

Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



June 27, 2014 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE??
As you may know, we have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday we open questions of a personal nature to all of you to answer too. Then, the following Friday, I post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply.

ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Thursday 3 July.

I've gotta admit I am kind of depressed right now. You see, I have a huge crush on this guy, and well, he is soooo out of my league. He plays tons of sports. And here I am. I have cerebral palsy. It isn't severe, but it's enough to make me different. Noticeably different. And I feel like nobody is ever going to love or want me because nobody wants someone with a disability. How do I move on? I just feel ugly and unwanted. Laine, USA.

Look forward to seeing your replies.

The Oracle.

Please email your replies to theoracle@coldplay.com.


June 20, 2014 / submitted by Leandro, Philippines
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #173
I would just like to ask a question about something. So, I am Leandro, 18 years of age, and I've been having problems lately. Well, family wise, we're all fine. But, love... love's just... I don't know... tormenting.
Anyway, here's the question, do you think people deserve a second chance? I have sinned, yes. I cheated on someone. I failed to keep promises. I just can't believe that I, myself, was able to pull that off, and I regret whatever I've done with all of my heart.
But then whenever it's time for me to move on, and find someone to love, why is it that this feeling of guilt? This very feeling from the start of my road down to hell... Why do I always feel it? Why does it pull me down all of the time? I don't know what to do. Have I forgiven myself as well? I can't answer all of this.

Stop being so hard on yourself, Leandro. It's obvious you regret your actions so it's time to put it behind you and move on.
There is no point sabotaging every future chance of happiness because of a mistake you made. The only thing you need to do is not repeat that mistake and learn from it.
Your actions have made you unhappy and I think you have learned a hard lesson but there is no need to keep punishing yourself.
You're human and temptations will come your way but you have the choice to give in to them or not, so choose not to. Give yourself the second chance - you have proved you deserve it.
Over to you.

Since you're from the Philippines I'm going to assume you're Christian. Anyone can change. Just have faith. No matter how far you've gone astray. Whatever you've done that you regret. Ask for forgiveness from those you've harmed and from God. Also, if you can, undo the wrong you've done. Don't forget that you've already changed a lot. Admitting your sins is a big step towards repentance. I've been to the Philippines and learned bisaya and some tagalog. Ang diyos magmamahal sayo! Ingat!
Eric, USA.


Yes, everyone deserves a second chance. Nobody's perfect; we've all sinned and we are all unperfect. If you've sinned, wouldn't you want a second chance? To redeem yourself and to prove that you are worth something? Everyone has a place and everyone is loved, even if they do or do not know it. Love is a strange thing. Everyone longs for it and are willing to sacrifice anything for it. When we break other people's hearts or they break ours, we have that feeling of doubt or guilt in ourselves that we could've given the other person better and that we could've proven to them that we were the ones for them. Besides, everyone has their heart torn apart. They are just one less broken heart away from happiness and true love.
There are different stages of love from just liking someone to be willing to sacrifice everything (even your life) for that one special person. That's true love. You must feel sad because lost a piece of your heart, but it will be fixed by that special person who's waiting out there for you.
My advice to you would be to stop being guilty for things in life that you can't control and start focusing on the good things in life. True love is out there for you. You can change your perspective on life. You may not be able to fix your mistakes, but you can remember them for next time.
Good luck! Hope.

Our one true choice is to plunge into the mystery of that uncontrollable force.
We could say: 'I've suffered greatly before and I know that this won't last either,' and thus drive Love from our door, but if we did that we would become dead to life.
We love because Love sets us free.
We don't close our eyes to the Universe and then complain: 'It's dark.' We keep our eyes wide open, knowing that the light could lead us to do undreamed-of things. That is all part of love.
Love is only a word, until we decide to let it possess us with all its force.
Love is only a word, until someone arrives to give it meaning.
Don't give up. Remember, it's always the last key on the key ring that opens the door. Penelope.


What I always thought in situations like this is that sometimes to heal, you have to go through hell. Yes, it was a shameful thing that you cheated and broke promises, and it is good that you realized that what you did is wrong, but you I would think if you want to stop feeling guilty, you should do something good to balance out the bad. Have you apologized to the girl you cheated on? That would be a great start, so you can try to build back burned bridges. If you have already done that, nothing is better than trying to help others. Do some charity work, help out a neighbor, donate money or time for a good cause, because nothing feels better than doing something good for others. And from the sound of it, you seem like a great guy, you have just made a few mistakes, and you have realized they are wrong and want to fix them, which is amazing. Some people, no matter how obvious it is, will sometimes never admit they were wrong about something, so in my opinion, I think you do deserve a second chance, and hopefully God will give you one. You do not have to take my advice but I would really hope you would at least listen because I think it will help. Good luck to you Leandro, and Salaam, which means peace in Arabic. Catherine.

You ask yourself if you have forgiven yourself. I don't think you have. If you still have contact with the person that you had cheated on I should recommend you to tell this person how you feel and ask if this person can forgive you and let you move on. If the answer is yes I think that you can forgive yourself. You say that you regret this with all your heart and if you do you absolutely deserve a second chance. I have also asked my Tarotcards for an advise and the card I took says: "A significant relationship is on your mind. It may be romantic in nature, or it may be an intimate but platonic friendship. Communication is key right now, and it's important to develop trust within the relationship. You can safely share your feelings with someone close to you". The name of the card is "The Lovers". Good luck! Love, Ann-Sofie, from Sweden.

Love should never be tormenting and full of pain. Guilt is an emotion that's associated with act of manipulation. The fact that you are seeking advice and feeling tormented leads me to believe that you are on the receiving end. Manipulators don't leave (maybe threaten to leave), but you have to disconnect from them because they are like parasites sucking the life force from you body.
We all make mistakes. It's how we grow and evolve. But the manipulator, they are skilled in learning every mistake you've ever made which becomes their shield for when they wrong you. You begin to self-reflect and give them the benefit of doubt by which you project your own values and morality on to them. Cheaters, Con-men, abusers etc. would do less damage if people asked themselves the right questions when deciding if someone deserves a second chance.
True or False 1. This person inspires me to be a better version of myself. 2.When they are angry, I still see the person that loves me and not another person I don't recognize. 3. They treat all people the same despite their class, religion, race etc. 4. I never have doubts about their love for me. If you can't answer true to all of these questions, my advice is to RUN. Then, figure out why you are attracting these types. Be Well, Leandro. DH.

I'm sorry for your pain. Yes people deserve a second chance. That's the beauty of forgiveness. Whether forgiving someone else or forgiving yourself, while counter-intuitive, by sincerely doing so, you free yourself and the person you are forgiving.
Of course if someone habitually wrongs another, who repeatedly forgives him / her, then this is different. Or, if someone habitually takes advantage of other kinder or more vulnerable characters, who each in turn tend to forgive before he / she moves on to the next person, then this again, is different.
Guilt can be a useless erosive emotion if triggered by outdated ethics like say, no sex before marriage (something once sensible before contraceptives). However it can also be useful, like all emotions can be, at drawing attention to an area of one's life that needs to be examined and constructively adjusted.
I don't know where you fit on these points, as I don't know you. You will know though.
The worst lies are the lies to one's self. Be sure to be honest with yourself and you will know where you are and then, you will know which direction is forwards. James.


Leandro, to answer your question, here's my reply: every people deserve a second chance. It took me a while to realise it too. I do understand the guilty feeling that you are talking about. I once had a 4 years relationship with someone that I really loved, until I went to another country to study and we had a lot of fight and every single day the guilt feeling tortured me, saying that I'm not good enough and many more. At one point I decided to quit the relationship and just let life in. Then, from that, I learned a lot. I learned how to see the world in a different perspective, I appreciate myself, my family and my friends who are there and always support me, I'm being thankful for everything. Then, a new love comes along. A new opportunity open for me and I try as much as possible to embrace it. Here's my suggestions to you: let life in. Be thankful for everything. You have to stop for a second thinking about whether there's a second chance or not, about your guilty feeling and spend your time with people who are always there for you. Appreciate them, appreciate your good and bad. Listen to Ghost Stories (it helped me a lot), then I'm sure sooner or later you will find love again. Yesy.

We all make mistakes in life. What is important is that we learn from them so that we grow and do not repeat the same mistakes again. You feel shame now for having cheated on someone that you loved and did not want to hurt. Here's what I suggest to help you move on and forgive yourself.
First, try to apologize in person. (If this is not possible, do it in writing with a letter or email). Take full responsibility for what you have done, say you are sorry for causing them pain, and ask for forgiveness. You cannot control how the person will respond, and you need to accept that response whatever it is. You may be forgiven or never forgiven, but let that person know that this was in no way their fault.
Second, give yourself some perspective. Ask yourself why you chose to cheat. Try to write down how you were feeling before, during, and after you cheated. Be honest with yourself and do not make excuses for what you did. Hopefully, by getting a better understanding of yourself, you will be able to see warning signs in the future and avoid making the same mistake.
Lastly, release your pain, guilt, and suffering. Forgive yourself, but never forget what you have learned from this experience. Feel confident that you will not hurt another person this way again. You have a kind heart, Leandro, and will share love again.
Best of luck to you! Tracey.


Feeling guilty is a good sign. It means you are an honest person. Always keep that in mind.
Well, if you want to get rid of feeling guilty, you have to ask the persons you cheated and you lied to to forgive you. If you are honest, they will do that. After that you'll feel much better, believe me. When you feel better, you will find someone you can love without feeling guilty.
Goodluck. Isabelle.

We all make mistakes and when we do, we must learn from them. And the first part of learning from our mistakes is accepting we made one. Your mistake was cheating on someone you loved. You have accepted it and have since been living with the guilt of it. The next part is for you to forgive yourself. Without doing so, the guilt that is eating you up, will never go away. We cannot live in the past or in the future. We can only live in the present. Learn from the mistakes of your past. Let it guide your present. Forgive yourself and move forward.
Love is as easy or as difficult as we believe it to be. It is like a puzzle. For some the pieces come together so easily and naturally that we can call it magic. For others, it is like a complex process of finding the right pieces to go in the right places without much luck. The comfort is in knowing that the right pieces exist and it will reveal itself sooner or later.
There's a life full of experiences ahead of you. Let not your fears and your guilt take away from you the life that you can live and all the love that you can give.
Rex, India.


Everyone deserves a second chance and it sounds like you truly regret what happened. You can't keep blaming yourself forever. It happened and you can't turn back time. All you can do is move on. Have you ever told the person you cheated on that you're sorry? Maybe that will help give you some closure. And most important of all: Don't ever cheat on anyone again! Good luck, Amanda.

Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



June 20, 2014 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?

As you may know, we have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday we open questions of a personal nature to all of you to answer too. Then, the following Friday, I post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply.

ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Thursday 26 June.

Yesterday was my birthday, and I found out that my estranged dad was undergoing a bypass operation. I don't celebrate my birthdays because my dad was never there. I grew up kind of hating him. But now, I just don't know what to feel. I still care about him, despite him being not much of a father to me. Yet, I still remember how he made my mom cry all these years, and the side of me that hates him just resurfaces. And I know that's wrong. What to do? Sheena, Philippines.

Look forward to seeing your replies.

The Oracle.

Please email your replies to theoracle@coldplay.com
Including your twitter address may result in a follow back.



June 13, 2014 / submitted by Trina, Spain
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #172
My husband and I are from two different countries. When we got married we chose to stay in his birth country because it would be easier for him to obtain a job. We love each other and are soul mates. Though, everyday is misery for me living in another continent and country. I feel homesick and get depressed easily.
I'm struggling to learn the language and to get a job. I feel like an alien with no life here. I have made friends but I continue to feel this emptiness inside, torn and confused. I love my husband so much but living here is so difficult for me. I keep believing I'm just on an horrible vacation that's going to end soon but that's far from the reality.
Is it normal to feel like this? Will I ever be able to accept that this is going to be my life forever?? Of course true love is about sacrificing your happiness for the people you love - I'm doing it, but I feel like I'm dying everyday. Help.

It's obvious from your words how unhappy you are and I feel your pain. I don't know how long you have been married so I don't know whether to venture that it will probably get easier with time - once you have mastered the language and found a job. I also don't know what your country of origin is but maybe you should find if there are other people from your country in your area or jobs that require your language to be spoken.
If not, your independence is going to be important to you while trying to forge a life for yourself. You've made some friends but perhaps you now need to join a Spanish class or meet other people in a similar situation to you. You won't be the only foreigner in the country so seek them out.
Find things you like and enjoy - spend time doing them. Make sure you keep in regular contact with your family & friends back home. Try not to dwell on the sadness, but the joy at speaking with them.
If you think your depression is a medical issue for concern, do visit a doctor.

Finally, who said true love is about sacrificing your happiness for the people you love? How about it being two people working out a mutual compromise for each other?! Marriage is a partnership, a team, a couple - it's not about ONE person and what is best for them. You must talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Consider options for the future as there may be a solution you haven't discussed yet. Good luck, Trina.
Over to you.

My Mum moved abroad with my father when she was in her fifties. At first she felt completely lost, like you she struggled with a new language and culture and felt she'd never adjust. She also felt very homesick and guilty that she'd left me behind. However over time she began to find her feet, she actively searched out other women from her home country especially those in a similar situation. Through them she found employment, a social life and learned a lot about her new home and how to deal with the changes in lifestyle she had to make. We stayed in close touch by phone and email and she gradually accepted I could manage on my own. I advise you to try to do the same if you haven't already. There are bound to be people from your own country who have felt exactly as you do now, there must be clubs or online groups you could join. As for feeling homesick, if you are missing family and friends make use of modern technology and use Skype regularly to reconnect with them. I don't know how long you've been away but try to give yourself time to acclimatise, it won't happen over night. Stay as busy as you can and try to remember why you moved out there in the first place.
Best wishes to you for the future. Tanya.


I was so moved by your post. I, myself, had to leave my country two years ago. It was for a different reason, though (studies). I must say that I felt the same way at first. The first day here, I woke up with tears in my eyes. I felt like I'm abandoned and alone. It was hard - but here is how I managed to start enjoying life in here. First, I believe you have to go back to your country very often (like on holidays), it really helps when you know you'll be home soon and you'll share some of your memories with your husband. Then, I started opening to people and I made friends. I used to tell myself that real friends are the ones in my country... this might be right, but it doesn't mean you can't have new great friends. Also, I have to say that you're very lucky to have the one you love beside you. When I first moved here, I would dream of having someone to stand by me, someone to hold me when I'm down... I believe finding love will make it easier for you. Just remember, wherever you're going with the one you love, you're already home. One last tip: listen to Coldplay a lot, it just makes everything easier and "I have no doubt, one day the sun will come out" (Lovers in Japan).
Saad, Morocco.

Living in another country is hard at the start. I've seen more people like you who came over here, to the Netherlands. First of all, it would be wise to choose between these things to set your primary goal: the language or a job. When you go for the language, it will be easier to find a job which fits to you, and making friends and contacts will also be easier. When you choose the job, you'll also make friends, don't worry, and your language will follow as well. When you use another language a lot, you will learn it easier. But without the language, finding a fitting job will be harder. When you made your choice, you must go for it. Let me give you a last advice: stand open towards other people. Most people want to help fitting in the society.
Good luck, Isabelle.


First of all, you are a very strong and selfless person for doing this for your husband. Hopefully he expresses his gratitude for you if he notices your struggling.
My personal belief is that a marriage can't thrive unless you work as a team. Would it be better if you tried to work with your husband at learning the language, or even taking classes? There's a lot of fun ways to learn a new language. Try to keep things positive and learning will come very easy. Another great way to learn a language is to live in a country where it's spoken every day - so you already have that advantage. Just never, never give up. Everything improves upon practice.
With learning the new language, a job will also come in time. It's something you'll have to work at tremendously, also depending on what field you want to work in. Say you want to work in the tech department. In that instance, learn vocabulary in terms of computers and machines and such. Again, never give up. That's the equivalent of betting against yourself.
Lastly, it's hard living away from your family and not seeing them regularly. Try keeping in touch as often as possible. Let them know how you're doing, and ask them questions. Keep up with Skype, texting, phone calls, etc. Communicate at least once per day. Send packages in the mail.
It will get easier. I promise. But you can't submit to your doubt and worry. Don't give up! Everly.

Be Brave. Eyes on the horizon. "...Two wholes when they coincide, That is beauty, that is love." - Lillian Darr
True love is about building happiness together. The sacrifice part should be on an as-needed basis, not necessarily continuously and interminably (from either member).
Perhaps a different perspective, such as a trip home for a couple of weeks, would help you see what you are homesick for when you are in your mate's birth country.
If staying in your husband's home country is the right thing for both of you, you may want to seek out and surround yourself with living 'elements of home' that you can put together. For example, if you had a friendly elderly lady as a neighbor at home, volunteer at a senior center. Find a place that reminds you of home to take a time-out in. Regardless of the language barrier, exploring kindness in other human beings is imperative. When you notice a warm feeling from someone, seek it again and follow up on it; ask to have tea or coffee with the checkout woman at a grocery store you've been going to regularly, for example. Create some memories to start your life, embrace your new place of living...or, find the place and/or career in which you are be happy to reside, establish yourself there, and let your husband join you when he is able.
Also, for depression, check into adaptogenic, herbs such as Rhodiola Rosea and Gotu Kola, supplements of Omega 3-6-9 and sunshine. Tristin.


Sorry you are not happy. It must be very hard to live in a new country especially when you don't know the language, and I am sure you are not alone in your struggle.  If you really have found your soul mate though, you are very lucky to be together as I feel this is rare.
If he really does love you, as I'm sure he does, then you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel  When you spend your life together with someone, there has to be some balance and mutual agreement on the big decisions in life as far as possible, so that you are both happy. 
I am sure your happiness matters a great deal to him, so perhaps there is something he can do. Perhaps a visit back home, or a trial stay there. True love is not one sided, and sometimes means some sacrifice from both persons. 
On the other hand, maybe you need to give it some time to settle down there. Feelings and concerns can change a great deal over time and you may come to love it someday!
Best wishes, D.

You are in a really difficult situation. My first advise: Listen to your heart! Is this what you really want? The second advise: Have you been away from each other for a longer period? Maybe you should try and after that decide if a life with your husband is worth all sacrifices. The third advise: ask yourself, what is your biggest dream? Maybe you should study instead of getting a job? Do you like to write or/and take photos? Maybe you should get a blog. This could be the start to get in contact with other people in the same situation.
My last advise: Ask your husband. Would he do the same thing for you? If the answer is yes, you should move back to your country for one year and see how things solves. Maybe your husband gets a good job and then you both ends up happy :-)
The answer is in your heart.
I wish you good luck!
Love, Ann-Sofie, Sweden.


I really feel for you. It must be so lonely to be in this situation. I'm assuming that your husband has a job and is gaining experience in his chosen field. Could it be that he has enough experience to be able to get a similar position but maybe in another country? Life is all about compromises and it works both ways, it sounds as though you've made a lot of compromises and it's not unreasonable for you to explore the possibilities of your husband compromising for you.
If it's too difficult to move back to your home country, is there a middle ground you can reach? Somewhere you'd both be happy?
As for getting a job yourself, we live in times where the world is incredibly small and global opportunities exist that mean you can work from anywhere providing you have a computer and a good internet connection! 
Ruth, UK.

First of all, I think what a great thing you have done, to be able sacrificing your own life in order to get a better life with your husband, that's what a beautiful thing about marriage is. I believe when you enter a marriage, you begin with one which is yourself, but ends with one which are you and your husband. My parents had the same problem with culture differences, moved to another city with a completely different culture and custom which is sacred in our country. But they always managed to get through whatever came in their way. The key is to never keep it to yourself, always share it with your partner.
It is normal to feel like an alien in a different world, that's natural. But to accept the life you will live forever with feelings like that? It's gonna be hard thing to do. True love for me is not sacrificing your life for your loved one, it is about sharing the same feeling, experiencing troubles and happiness together, and find a way to work as a partner for life. You have to let him know what you feel all this time, that you don't feel same way as he does. Work the way out as a partner for both of your happiness, not just for one of you, and keep supporting each other. When you and him finally share the same misery and happiness, that's true love. Lavina, Indonesia


Vacation is a temporary situation. Seems you are actually living there. So live! Am not kidding about this or ridiculing you.
Not at all. I lived abroad for three years, have been here for over fifteen years and my husband has been asked to transfer to head office which means a transatlantic move for all four of us in about a year. I don't want to leave my friends and family and uproot our kids but also know we'll be fine. This is how I look at it. Get a large piece of paper and colourful crayons. Draw a big mindmap of all things that make you happy, energize you. And work from there. In my case it's having fun with other people, enjoying pretty or tasty things, happy boys, feeling fit. In my case this works out in joining some group of people (work, volunteer, committee), indulge myself in (or try to create) art and good food, get involved in a soft landing for our boys and join a gym. For me it's important to be in expressive activities, as I do recognise the emptiness and feelings of being far away from all that is dear. Sitting at home does that. So. Go. Out. Meet. People. Laugh. Paint. Sing. Dance. Life is for living!
Love, Dorine, The Netherlands.

I heard someone say short sayings last through the ages because they are profound, and the one that comes to mind:"Home is Where the Heart Is". I have a sister that moved to the mid-west 25 years ago when she got married, and she has been home maybe 5 times within that time frame. However, I hear two possible scenarios from your description that could be masking as homesickness for you to consider.
Is it the transition of learning new skills that is making life so difficult? When I first went to undergrad, I was miserable. It was a cultural shock, and I was depressed and wanted to quit. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I had not weathered the transition. My environment required me to learn new skills, but I did not have to become another person which leads me to my second point.
Home may be the last place that you felt like yourself which could be what you are really longing for. Isolation with minimal adult contact is enough to make anybody feel depressed, but forcing yourself to accept this as your life will turn what was once love into resentment. This can be especially difficult when you lack the financial ability to return home for any respite/ reflection. I urge you to volunteer or start/join a group with other women transitioning into the culture until you can figure out what's best for you. Be Well, Trina. DH


Normally I'd say homesickness tends to pass, though it might never go away completely, but that rule doesn't apply to everyone. I don't know how long you've been living there, but if you're feeling miserable and things aren't getting any better, I suggest you talk to your husband about this matter. Maybe he can find a job in your home country too and wouldn't mind moving there? Or maybe you can visit your country more often? True love isn't about completely sacrificing all of your happiness, its also about compromises. Both of you will have to give things up and I'm sure discussing these feelings with your husband won't make him love you any less. Good luck! Amanda.

Trina, my heart is with you. 11 years ago, I also ventured away from my homeland in the States to accompany my husband to his homeland of Indonesia. With a 5-month old baby and nothing familiar, it was the most challenging thing I've ever experienced. I lost myself in the loneliness and isolation. My marriage did not survive, yet my son and I stayed in the country for 10 years.
Please know that what you are feeling is very normal. It's like being uprooted. Part of you is still in the place you left and part of you is where you are now. It takes time to find our place in a new land. We often think that love requires great sacrifice. Often with sacrifice comes resentment a breeding ground for toxicity. The most beautiful expression of love is to be honest with yourself, listen to your truth, and share that truth with the ones you love. When we sacrifice our happiness for others, we're not giving them the fullness of who we are.
Allow yourself to feel the feelings that arise with this. Share with your husband and reach out to other expats. There is always a hidden gem in the most challenging situations. I am so grateful for my decade on "the other side of the world." I uncovered things about myself that I never would have if I didn't experience what I did abroad. There is beauty even in the pain of it all. Sending you love. Alia, USA. *Alia also sent a link.


I'm in a very similar situation and it's been hard. We had to move because of my husband's job and have been here for four years. We moved from my "soul" country... the place that I love and dream of and want to be forever. When we found out that we would be moving away from everything I love I was devastated. There are times in our lives when we have to make sacrifices, especially for people we love. It may sound harsh but the only way you can and will be even remotely happy over there is by deciding to be happy. Nobody can change things for you. You have to dig deep and find the strength to make it through. If that is too overwhelming and you just can't help yourself then you should go talk to a professional, like a doctor. You also need to do things for other people... get your mind off of you and your situation. I have learned that I won't find another best friend in my new city but I have some pretty amazing friends there that I have learned to be so grateful for. You will always have those times of despair and depression. Don't push those feelings away but at the same time don't let those feelings determine the direction of your life. You have the strength to push through this. You can do it. You've got to try. If you never try you'll never know just what your worth. Carrie.

While I have never moved to a different country, I can deeply relate to how you are feeling because seven years ago, I moved from one state to another. My family and I moved nearly 15 hours away from my old home, far away from everything I knew and loved. The sea and the forests, a major part of my life, vanished into thin air and I was trapped in this new place that appeared to have nothing going for it. I hated this new place and convinced myself that I would never be happy where I lived now. I felt depressed and torn, and my relocation and the culture shock haunted me for months, even years. And then, suddenly, without me even realizing it, I began to get used to my surroundings and even like them. The constant pang of homesickness happened less and less until it only arose here and there. I made friends, friends I wouldn't trade for the world. I had opportunities here that I would have never had where I used to live. In the end, it all turned out, and while I still get homesick sometimes, it's never as bad as it used to be. Give it time, Trina, and I promise it will get better. It feels miserable at first, but everything improves. Remember, too, that your happiness is just as important as your husband's. Talk to him about how you feel.
Be happy, Trina. You've got so much life up ahead. Brooke.


Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



June 13, 2014 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?

As you may know, we have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday we open questions of a personal nature to all of you to answer too. Then, the following Friday, I post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply.

ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Thursday 20 June.

I would just like to ask a question about something. So, I am Leandro, 18 years of age, and I've been having problems lately. Well, family wise, we're all fine. But, love... love's just... I don't know... tormenting.
Anyway, here's the question, do you think people deserve a second chance? I have sinned, yes. I cheated on someone. I failed to keep promises. I just can't believe that I, myself, was able to pull that off, and I regret whatever I've done with all of my heart.
But then whenever it's time for me to move on, and find someone to love, why is it that this feeling of guilt? This very feeling from the start of my road down to hell... Why do I always feel it? Why does it pull me down all of the time? I don't know what to do. Have I forgiven myself as well? I can't answer all of this.
Leandro, Philippines


Look forward to seeing your replies.

The Oracle.

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