Oracle
403 oracle items tagged as team oracle
December 12, 2014 / submitted by Kris, India
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #196
My life has been in a tailspin for a couple years now. My dad passed away in 2012 at an early age, after an 8 month battle with cancer. I was only 15 at the time, and seeing him trying to fight the disease was more that I could bear. I hid my depression though, since I had to be strong for him and my mom. Losing the most important person in your life can be hard. It has been two years and I still cry myself to sleep, missing him. I have not been able to open up to anyone and still keep my emotions hidden under a veil of humour. Is there any way I will be able to share my feelings with anyone again? I feel trapped.

It's sad how many times I hear young people say things such as, "I had to be strong for...". You actually didn't have to be strong for your Mum & Dad - or anyone - but it's so admirable that you tried to be. Sadly, as everyone else was too overcome with their own sadness, they probably didn't notice what you were trying to do and because of that, it feels like your feelings and needs were overlooked.
I don't think any good comes from hiding feelings. Bottling them up doesn't make them go away and you can end up with more pain to deal with in the long run.
I think it's time to open up (as you have here). Don't be scared to let people know how you really feel.
If you feel safe, find a friend to confide in or a sibling / family member. I personally think you should start with your Mum though. You both lost the same man that you both love. Maybe she just thinks you're ok or don't want to talk about it. Maybe she doesn't know what to say either.
Your grief shared will help. Talking about it / him, will help. Opening up will help. The first step may be scary, but once done, it's done.
You can't set yourself free from your trap until you open it.
Bereavement is a hard process but you're not alone. It could be your Mum needs to open up too - you could help each other if you start to talk about it. If it's too difficult, investigate talking therapies. You could always ask a doctor if you can be referred to a therapist / counsellor.
Help & support is there for you but it looks like you're going to have to ask for it. You've been strong for others for long enough, now it's time to focus on you. I wish you peace.
Over to you.

Yes, you can! Try talking to a close friend or relative about it. It'll make you feel better. I too, had two members of my family leave from cancer. Trust me, this will make you feel better about everything. Nathan B.

Of course there is. Sharing your feelings with someone is an act that requires courage and trust in the person you are sharing them with. These two things are something that you need to keep very near and dear to your heart. Losing someone you're close to is one of the most painful things we can go through, and you need to take as much time as you can to let yourself recover from it. You will find someone you can pour your heart into and share these painful memories with fragile thoughts with, and it might not come so clearly to you, but keep your eyes open and you will find so many people who will catch you in these dark times.
I wish you all the best.
Bradley H.

I'm sorry for your loss. I know what it feels like to lose the most important person in life, I hope my words helps you I believe there's a reason behind everything that happens, especially concerning loved ones. We should make out the best we can of any situation and the way is through LOVE. I suggest you don't focus on your dad's past suffering, on his death, or on your pain. Rather focus on how much your dad loved you, how much he would love to watch you pursue your dreams and never doubt yourself, how proud he would be of you for being so brave. Remember all the things he teached you. Focus on how much you love your dad and how you will make him proud, wherever he is. Look inside your heart and feel all this love for him. It's still there... and so is the love your dad feels for you. Love is eternal, it never dies. Your dad is always with you, don't doubt that. Live your life the happiest you can be. That's the best gift you could give yourself and your dad :) It's ok to cry sometimes... it will always be hard to not be with the most important person. But life has still so much to offer and you're still young. Let your loss become your greatest strength. Be true to yourself, always, and inspire others to be as well. Good luck. Believe in yourself. Be the son of your dad!
Congratulations for the big step of sharing your story. Best regards from Carina.


First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, losing a close relative is so hard but more so when you're so young - I can't even imagine what you must have gone through. It may be easier to talk to someone who doesn't know you, someone who can remain impartial and just listen. Sometimes just having someone to listen and not judge, not advise, but just let you talk from the heart is the best medicine.
Is there any kind of counsellor available to you? Specialist bereavement counsellors can help you come to terms with what has happened. The pain will always be there, will always be raw, but with the help of a counsellor you can learn to deal with it over time, recognise what you're going through and get your life back on an even keel.
Be kind to yourself and good luck. Ruth, UK.

I suggest you to read the posts about coping with death of a parent that we wrote about 4 Fridays ago. Now it sounds like you ask about action and changing; that's good, seems like you've decided to go on after years of griefing. Don't blame yourself for that because that's what your father wants,I'm sure. He would also like to open to your mother; tell your pain,cry, don't act like her husband or father of a family, be the son-young,vulnerable,weak. Talk to teacher, therapist or priest. Be with friends, volunteer with homeless people or orphan kids. Their pain will heal your pain. Choose some sport and practice often-your body will be like a medicine to your soul. I suggest you to read any book of great life teacher and writer from India, Anthony de Mello. I know you can do it, there's so much waiting for you, be strong and believe! "Life is for living!" With love, Kamili from Croatia.

You have come to a critical point in your life; you are in the shadow of adversity. Now adversity is part of life it hurts, I know. But to overcome it, you need to adapt. Find someone you love and trust dearly and try to talk to them. Or if you're not ready for that, try writing how you feel down through music, poetry or just a story. And you might feel like you can't but you can, you just have to get out of your comfort zone and anyone who believes in you will feel empathy with you and help you feel better and support you. And write down your memories of him, cherish his memory and think about how much he loved you. He wants you to be happy even in tragedy. And when you express yourself to another person or even in writing, you'll find the dark storm clouds clearing and the clarity will be more beautiful than you remember. Remember; everything's not lost. Good luck and remember; people love you and want to make you feel better. Madi.

I'm really sorry for your loss Kris, no one should have to go through something like that at such an early age. I'm going to be blunt here, I think you should seek professional help. I'm not sure how these things work in India, but go to your doctor and tell him you want to see a psychologist. I know a lot of people think that in order to seek professional help you have to be completely insane and suicidal, but thats just not true. Psychologist are there for everyone who is experiencing difficulties in life, like you are right now. Talking to someone who doesn't know the first think about you can really help you feel better and they are trained to support and help you. With a little help and time, I'm sure you'll be able to open up to others again. Stay strong. Amanda.

I would say that if you can write about what you're feeling (even if you're doing it to the Oracle) is a sign that you do need and can open to others. There is no magic trick to solve your problems and you will probably need a lot of time to overcome your pain, but seriously Kris, our lives can be amazing and it really depends on us what we do with it. Live YOUR life to the fullest, sing, dance (preferably to Coldplay's sound), smile, laugh, be true, trust, get hurt, make a fool out of yourself and dedicate yourself to others everyday, one day at the time... trust me is a great way to live and things will get better!
Kiss, Carine, Portugal.

I am not sure if anything I say can ease your pain. But if we don't try, we'll never know. I lost my mom 11 years back and the feeling of loss has never left me even after all these years. Time may heal but memories never die. What helps is having a chosen few people to talk to.
I have always been close to my sister. That night we talked at length and cried together; we even laughed recalling some of mom's funny moments. It was healing in some way.
Over the years I have become more silent and reserved. But I have also learned that losing someone close makes you realise that people matter in life: the ones we have lost and the ones we still have.
We still talk about mom, how she liked to do certain things or the way she cooked a certain dish. There are years of illness and all other details. But restricting our memories to only those details, limit their whole existence to just pain. She was more than that.
You need to communicate your grief; whether you write it down in a notepad or in a blog or share it with the few close friends and family you have, especially your mom. She needs to truly know how you are doing and you need to understand how she is coping.
We all need our space but remember, isolating ourselves in grief only makes us lonely and depressed.
Regards, Rex, India.


Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



December 12, 2014 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?

As you may know, we have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday we open questions of a personal nature to all of you to answer too. Then, the following week, I post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply. At this time of the year, we usually have a more general question. I decided that perhaps we could use the space to give thanks to someone or for something.
There are two deadlines as I will split the answers over two weeks.

ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Friday 19 & 26 December.

As the end of 2014 draws to a close, who would you like to thank or what would you give thanks for over the past year? Only one per person, please.

Look forward to reading your replies.

The Oracle.

Please email your replies with TEAM ORACLE in the subject line to theoracle@coldplay.com
Including your twitter address may result in a follow back.

Replies will be posted on Saturdays 20 & 27 December.



December 10, 2014 / submitted by Zara, Italy
Q.  Dear Oracle,

how many problems do you recieve for Team Oracle every Friday? And how many answer do you get on average? Just curious, you must be very busy about that, but thanks for doing it! Zara

Team Oracle isn't a separate entity. People send in their Oracle questions in the usual way and then I decide which one to choose each week. I do let the question asker know that it's going to appear in the Team Oracle feature.
Therefore, I ask & answer one question per week.



December 5, 2014 / submitted by Gavin, Isle of Man
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #195
If you could ask your younger self one question, what would it be?

And (added by The Oracle):
If you could give one piece of advice at the same time, what would it be?


This was interesting because I've never thought about it before. Quite a few questions pop into my mind:
'Are you sure you want to do that?'
'Do you really think that's a good idea?'
'You're not going out wearing that are you?'
'Where did you put that shoe box of memories?'
'Who did you lend your FGTH vinyl of Liverpool to?'
In all seriousness, I am struggling to find one profound one as I'm sure I would ask myself a lot of questions.
I consider myself both young, (though more than half way through my life) and older & wiser. Even all the mistakes I've made along the way have helped shape me so I'm not sure I'd go back and undo them, well, not all of them. I'd certainly tell myself not to beat myself up about them.
One Q I sort of ask myself periodically is, are you happy? The answer is yes. I live life to the full and there's not much point having regrets. I've learned from my mistakes and hopefully I am making a difference.

The advice I would give my younger self is "trust your gut instinct".
Over to you.

I would ask my younger self this question: Are you satisfied with what I've become and have I made your wishes and dreams come true?

I would say not to worry 'cause "In a haze, a stormy haze, I'll be round, I'll be loving you always, always..." I think I've proved it even more than I've had expected, almost to say that "everything's possible", so there's no need of being afraid for myself in the future. I'll do my best to make my older self happy as I did to my younger self. I've never thought about it so much but it's very interesting question about our younger self. It's good to see that I did a lot for myself, especially about realizing dreams that seemed impossible but I promised to my younger self to go for it and I really went.
With love, Kamili.


I see a therapist, so I asked myself A LOT of questions regarding my habits, the way I see the world, the way I react to certain things.

The piece of advice I would give today to my younger version is: Don't be upset for small things that don't matter. Understand that nobody's perfect.Try to think considering other people's point of view. Don't be angry for stupid things.
Noelia, Argentina.

WOW, good question!
I would ask my younger self : Why do you are afraid to say NO?

My advice at the same time would be: if you say NO, when you mean NO, no one will be angry and hate you. You should respect your own feelings. You are beloved whatever you do and if you do a wrong decision is not the end of the world.
Love from Germany, Maren.


Question: What are you so afraid of?

Advice: Don't be so afraid to be vulnerable, make a mistake or **** up. You won't be less worthy of love if you do so. Carola.

If I could ask my younger self a question, it would be 'why didn't you listen to yourself?'.

And my advice would be to listen to myself! Sometimes we are swayed by outside influences and pressure, but if you are not true to yourself, it may have bad repercussions later on. Don't get me wrong, some advice is for our good and protection. But some decisions can and should be made by us and us alone, especially ones that will affect you long term. I would tell myself to realise my self worth and not to settle for second best with regards to close relationships and other important things. DP.


I'm not sure what question I would ask my younger self, but I would tell her this:
Wisdom does not come without life experience. Time travels faster the older you get. People cannot be for you the emotional love you need to have for yourself. Like yourself, love yourself. Life gets better! You will find tools to heal yourself and others and find more strength and skill than you know you have. Strength and victory does not come from strolling through a park and having an easy life, it comes from wrestling through adversity. Also, the Universe takes the path of least resistance. Let go when the Universe lets something crumble. Life can be smooth sailing or stormy seas and sometimes everything is simply just not about us. Know it's all for the best. Sail on. Happiness awaits!!! Be kind to yourself and love yourself, think positively and envision good things for your future and they will come. Work hard, never give up. Be curious. Your heart is the most powerful organ of perception. Use it. Travel the world when you can. Write. Create. Breathe. Repeat. You have the strength and will to be the victor. Live with the intention to create a world that cherishes Love. Trust your intuition. Be well, be blessed, Branwen.

Thanks first of all for a thought-provoking question! I had to mull this one over for awhile. I would ask "What is the one thing you do that always makes you truly happy? Don't describe something that someone else does for you, but tell me something that YOU do that brings you joy every single time you do it. Something that you lose yourself in, something that makes the time fly by when you're doing it."

Once I learned that one thing that brought happiness to my younger self, I would advise "Hold on to that thing forever and figure out how to incorporate it into your life. If you can figure out how to do it as a job to earn your living, do it. If you can't do it as your vocation, then do it as an avocation. Do it as a hobby or a pastime, but do it. Keep on doing it until the day you die. Because if you can continue that single thing that makes you happy, happiness will be within your grasp always. You won't have to depend on someone or something else to bring you joy. It will always be within the realm of your possibility." Peace and love to you. Jill, Rochester, NY


My question would be "Why are you so afraid of life? What stops you to talk, and reach your dreams?"

The advice would to always keep going and make other people respect you. Respect is something really important you will need in life. Being afraid of making someone to respect you is the worst fear someone can have, because if you don't make other to respect you, you will see the consequence in a couple of years. If they hit you, hit them twice. If they bully you, never let them see you cry, because that is what they want. Never get tired of what you are. Everything happens for a reason.
Study harder than you think you are able to, it may serve you to win a scholarship in another country. Insist in entering in course you love to be in, like ballet, sing, volleyball, etc. Don't be afraid of someone else opinion. Karolyn.

This is a very emotional question, I am very touched and ready to open up.
I would ask myself this; Why? Why did you hurt yourself You are beautiful, please don't let anyone make you think otherwise, even if that'd be yourself. I love you so much and you know you're worth it. Solaf.


This was an amazing and very thought provoking question and it's taken a few days to come up with an answer. Now being in my fifties I am rather content with my life, so nothing screamed at me at first... but I thought of all the advantages that youth gives a person, so the one question I would ask my younger self is "Why not?" Why not further education?? Why not accept an opportunity when it arises?? Why not question the status quo??? Why not embrace another's viewpoint??? Why not travel?? Why not experience new things and take risks in life??? Why not fall in love???

I have learned that life is not a spectator sport, not a dress rehearsal, it's a gift, unwrap it, open it up, and live it like it will end tomorrow. Laurie.

I think I'd ask myself: Why haven't you called your grandpa yet?! He's been on my mind a lot lately, ever since my grandma passed away a few months ago. I never met my grandpa because he and my grandma got divorced before I was born and he said he didn't want to have anything to do with my family anymore. When I was 13 I tracked down his phone number, but my grandma and dad found out and got really upset with me. I felt so bad I never tried to contact him ever again. Now I'm 25 and it's too late to reach out to him because I heard he's suffering from dementia. I just keep wondering if I did the right thing not calling him when I got the chance.

My advice to myself would be to get guitar and singing lessons, I've always regretted that I didn't do those things sooner. They are the highlights of my week and the singing lessons really helped to build my self-confidence which I had very little of when I was younger. Amanda.


The question I would ask to my young me is why didn't you listen to Coldplay before? Haha I'm joking :-)
I would ask myself why were you afraid of saying what you think and believe?

And the advice I would give is: expressing what you think helps you to overcome fears. That allows you to have inner peace, to feel less anxious and to achieve your goals. What you say might be wrong, but you'll learn through making mistakes. Or it might be right, but you'll never know until you say it.
Best wishes, Isabel.

Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



December 5, 2014 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?

As you may know, we have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday we open questions of a personal nature to all of you to answer too. Then, the following Friday, I post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply.

ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Thursday 11 December.

My life has been in a tailspin for a couple years now. My dad passed away in 2012 at an early age, after an 8 month battle with cancer. I was only 15 at the time, and seeing him trying to fight the disease was more that I could bear. I hid my depression though, since I had to be strong for him and my mom. Losing the most important person in your life can be hard. It has been two years and I still cry myself to sleep, missing him. I have not been able to open up to anyone and still keep my emotions hidden under a veil of humour. Is there any way I will be able to share my feelings with anyone again? I feel trapped.
Kris, India.


Look forward to reading your replies.

The Oracle.

Please email your replies with TEAM ORACLE in the subject line to theoracle@coldplay.com
Including your twitter address may result in a follow back.



November 28, 2014 / submitted by Margarette, France
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #194
It's been a long that I keep it in my head, but it's time to come up. I have just graduated and moved back home but one big mystery still remained unsolved. It's about my so-called best friend with whom I spent 5 years of everyday life being "just friends", but being "more than friends". Nothing ever happened but everyone around us considered us as a couple, specially those who didn't know us. There's been many situations that almost led to something more clearly, but being a woman I thought that it was up to man to do something. None of us have ever had relationship during that time. He has some unsolved problems in his family which affected his childhood. and it maybe a reason for being blocked to do something. He is partially aware of that problems and trying to solve them. Although now, after my graduation we live in different towns, he keeps calling, and when I come to visit, we spend most of the time together and it is his initiative. I tried to talk about it directly and he has told that he wasn't able to do anything about us because of his problems. His father killed himself in friend's early childhood and his mother had never talked about it. He has pretty much normal life, a lot of friends and job, everything's ok but there are troubles with love and may be with me. I don't know what to do, I feel like trapped in this relationship not knowing who we are and what's going to happen. Please write your opinion and advice,any word will be helpful. Thank you.

Friendships with friends of the opposite gender can be very confusing if there are feelings that cross the line of "just friends" from one or both parties.
This is not a conventional relationship, in fact it's still a friendship - albeit a confused one.
I know there may be people who will disagree but the days of it being all down to a male to make the first move is almost antiquated - it's 2014! Make a move if you like him or at least have that conversation.
You will continue to feel trapped unless you find out the answers to your questions. If you don't feel you can do that, you could write him a letter during your time apart. You can have a chat about your feelings when you next get together.
You have a close bond with your best friend who has been through such a lot. Even though it's been 5 years, it still may take time because he probably still has some healing to do.
It may be that as friends you have been his rock, his strength and he wants your safety blanket presence around him. It may be that he feels the same way as you but doesn't know how move forward. I'm not here to tell him what to do but he may benefit from counselling if he has nobody other than you to speak to.
Continue to support him but don't ignore your feelings in favour of his. Find out where you stand and whether you have a chance of a future. If he wants to be more than friends, you need to take it slowly. 5 years is a long time to feel this way and you don't need to stay in this situation. It sounds like it's going to be down to you to make a change or a break. It may require more patience but I hope it all works out for you both.
Over to you.

Reading your story I can only imagine how you are feeling with so many unanswered questions, with the emotions that come with it being harder still. The best way I can think to describe what you are going through would be feeling 'trapped in suspense' regarding your relationship. If you feel frustration or anger at the situation, it will be easy to feel guilty or blame yourself for having such thoughts. It's not your fault. Having only read your story I think that you are a good person with a caring, sensitive soul.
For me to give advice on the relationship with your friend would be clumsy. I will offer my opinion instead (you might have thought this yourself). His past might answer for the present; emotional pain such as his runs deep and recovery can take a long time.
The relationship you two share is unique, you have lived with each other for 5 years it really is a beautiful thing. This unfortunately, may be the reason for him wanting to keep things as they are. The risk of the relationship changing might be too much for him.
I hope my words have helped but more so I hope you find a way to overcome this situation. You can do it. The pain will pass and when it does, it will be because you knew the answers when you thought you didn't. I send you my love and support.
Chris.


You opened up and were honest with him about what you feel. You made the right move. Telling you that he doesn't do anything about your relationship because of his problems sounds like an excuse. Usually, if someone wants a romantic relationship with you and you tell them that you have feelings for them, the result is very different.
Even if he loved you back romantically, he seems to be trapped in the middle of his problems, and it doesn't look like he's solving them soon. He's partially aware of them and getting over that kind of traumas takes time.
I think you should move on from this situation and give other boys a chance. Boys that are ready RIGHT NOW to have something with you.You might be missing some great opportunities by staying "trapped in this relationship". That doesn't mean you should stop talking to your friend, but limiting the time you spend together could help you clear your mind.
Wish you the best. Noelia, Argentina.

I had a situation just like yours many months ago. I used to meet this "friend" of mine almost everyday and we used to be in love. He never told me the truth , but I understood his feelings while we were spending some time together, he also told his cousin, one of my best friends, that he was truly in love with me. The problem was this, he had a very bad drugs addiction. I cried a lot for him, I tried to help him in every single way but he didn't listen to any single word I said. I became addicted to him as well as he was addicted to drugs. He was ruining my life. In my case, it was all his fault because he didn't want any help, but in your case you can do a lot of things for this person. Show him that you really care, show him that life could be beautiful. Let him feel the best person on this world. When you have the possibility invite him to a long walk, look at the stars (look how they shine for you hahahaha) together. Make him understand how little things could change his life. Does he know Coldplay? Well, if he doesn't introduce him to this wonderful band, their music is like a cure to every illness! I also think that the easiest way to make him feel better is talking. Talk to him about everything, he will do the same and maybe he will start feeling a little lighter !! Don't worry if he doesn't want to tell you about his fears in the end he will surely do it, because you've gained his trust.
Bonne Chance !! Ivana , Italy


It's clear to see that you have loved him all these years. From what you say, it seems he feels the same way too. Problem in this case is the circumstances, not the present but the past.
It's not easy to deal with our past, especially our childhood because although we are aware of things, we are incapable of understanding the effects it has on us. As years go by, we begin to feel its impact.
We are all damaged in some way or the other. We learn to live and grow and love while we try to fix ourselves somehow. Sometimes we need a helping hand, whether in the form of our family, a stranger, a friend or a lover.
And perhaps you are still in touch and still together because you see something worthwhile in this friendship you share. If you decide to take the step and commit, please remember that it's going to demand a lot from both of you.
He will need to get some professional help to come to terms with his past to fully live in the present. The memory will always be there but at least he can move on.
You will need to be patient. You will need to give him time and space. He will need time to cope and time when he will want to be alone.
Think long and hard. If you feel your life may be worthless without this love, then it's worth it.
Regards,
Rex, India.

Childhood traumas leave traces that shape and mark person, so his traumatic background is obviously behind many of his acts and relationships, including that one with you. You both know it and the good thing is that he is also aware of it, trying to solve it. If you are still friends and nobody has appeared on your road through years, it seems like you've been together for long. Sometimes things don't have to be answered and defined to be realized. The most important thing is to focus on your feelings and wishes about him. If you feel any emotions and you can imagine you as a couple even a little bit, then it's clear. If you can't, then why is this bothering you? It seems like you've been waiting for him to solve the situation, but first you should make clear your feelings and accept them. When you admit that you like him like a man or don't like him, I think that something will change.If you love him the way he is and could be with him, that truth will somehow move him on. If you don't love him like a man, then your heart will send those signals and you'll be able to meet other men. "Lift off this blindhold, let me see again..." You're very young, look forward to life and loves!
With love, Kamili.


First of all, as a woman, you shouldn't have to feel as if the male has to make the first move. The roles of gender have changed in today's society. Maybe your more traditional, I can't say, but if you really feel that it's right then go for it. You shouldn't have to feel frightened or hindered by opening up with him, especially since both of you are very close. On the other hand, it may be that he himself is scared or is not sure whether to let you in closer. He has had a traumatic childhood and hasn't seem to have found peace. Maybe you're the one that helps him cope with his everyday struggles, the ones people don't see. Either way, you are absolutely an important part of his life, a foundation. I'd suggest waiting for him until he's rid his "demons" and can accept you without his heavy burdens.
Much love,
Marissa.

I used to be in a relationship like that. We were just friends for many years, but then it started to evolve into something more. He'd been through a lot in his youth as well and even though he was seeing a therapist to work through his issues, he kept breaking it off with me. He couldn't be with someone because of those issues and traumas. We had an on again off again relationship after that for some time, but in the end I was the one that decided to end things and never see him again. It was a very tough decision but I'm glad I made it. I understand you care a lot for this person and want to be with him, but it's hard to be with someone who's still working through unsolved issues from the past. You can try and be there for him as a friend, but before you can start a relationship I think he should learn to live with what he's been through. Give him some space and who knows things might turn out for the better, but if things take a turn for the worst, be sure to end things before it takes a toll on you. Good luck! Amanda.

Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



November 28, 2014 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?

As you may know, we have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday we open questions of a personal nature to all of you to answer too. Then, the following Friday, I post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply.

ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Thursday 4 December.

If you could ask your younger self one question, what would it be? Gavin, Isle of Man.
I'm adding a Q to this:
If you could give one piece of advice at the same time, what would it be? The Oracle.

Look forward to reading your replies.

The Oracle.

Please email your replies with TEAM ORACLE in the subject line to theoracle@coldplay.com
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November 20, 2014 / submitted by Madalina, Romania
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #193
Why is it so hard to find real friends? And when you think you found them, they were just testing you or something like that to see if you are good or not?

I may be wrong but it sounds as though you've been let down by someone but please don't worry that everyone will end up doing the same. Great friends are hard to come by & it would be a shame to let them pass you by because of past experiences. People can and do disappoint but not all of them so you need to work on your trust issues.
I think the best thing is to just take people at face value. If you like them and they like you, hang out with them and see what happens. Try not to overthink it. You'll probably gravitate towrds people who you share common interests with. Take your time getting to know them and only when you feel ready - open up.
If "friends" try to put you in situations you are uncomforatble with, stay strong and be your own person. Don't follow the crowd or get bullied into bad behaviour. Some people can take control and be very persuasive but stand firm. If you change your mind about someone, that's ok.
You don't need to be part of a group so even if there's only one person you'd call a real friend - that's better than lots that you don't.
You can usually tell by how someone treats you and how they make you feel as to what kind of person they are. Trust your gut feelings and you will work it out.
Over to you.

There is a proverb:
"Remember, anyone can love you when the sun is shining. In the storms is where you learn who truly cares for you".
Who is beside you when the storm is swirling, these are your true friends. I can tell from myself experience that you will learn it during your life ( well I don't know your age) there will only be 3-5 people left. They will tell you the truth, even when it hurts, they stand beside you when everyone else has left, you can call them every time of the day, they have a shoulder to lean on and open ears to listen to you. But these few friends, they are true. It's all a matter of give and take in a friendship.
Love from Germany, Maren.


I don't think it's hard to find real friends. You do have some bad experiences along the way. But if you stay true to yourself and treat others as you wish to be treated, People will like you. They then want to be your friend. If they don't like you they are not worth bothering about.
Of course you will only find out their true worth when you go through tough times, I have been going through a very difficult divorce after 20 years of marriage, and also had to deal with the stress of watching my father being terminally ill and the dying. I would not have got through this without my truly amazing friends. I am so grateful for them.
Oh and just one more tip. Keep smiling. Michele.

You don't say how old you are, but if you are at school, it can be difficult because you are thrown together with people you might not necessarily naturally get on with. It's been said that children need playmates, but young people (and adults!) need friends. What's the difference? A playmate (or schoolmate) is someone who keeps you company, but a friend is someone who also shares your values. Not everyone who claims to be a friend has what it takes to live up to the label and this can shatter your trust. Always remember that quality is better than quantity. It is possible to find real friends who will really be there for you and have a positive influence on you. Choose friends who have qualities you admire, and that you have things in common with. Also try to be the kind of friend you would want for yourself, for example, being a good listener. If this is not possible at the moment, you may find circumstances in life will change at some point and open up new options for you. At any rate, no friendship is perfect and it may take time to build it up but keep trying as it will be worth it in the end! Best wishes, Dx

Because people usually choose friends that they consider cool, or interesting, but most of the time never becuase the way they actually are, but by the way they look like they are, were blind at first by the desire of being able to call them friend, but never really notice that they might not see you the same way. You should be a friend who is a friend to you, never look for one, just let them come to you and appriciate it, becuase you mean somthing to them. But never tell someone something that you don't want the world to know.
Bye, Paulina.

Based on my own experience, I can tell you that finding real friends is hard, but not because there are not people like you or people that will love you and accept you for who you are. It's very often a matter of location. I found my best friends when I was finishing high school and I got to meet them because I was assigned to a different classroom. And until last year I was pretty sure that I wouldn't find more friends like them. Then I started doing activities that I enjoy and I got to know many great people that share interests with me.
People like you are out there. You just have to keep looking. And what will help you finding them, if they are not at school or work, is pursuing your hobbies/interests. When you know new people, it takes some time for a relationship to develop; for people to open up and start trusting each other (even if you really connected and got along from the first moment). But that doesn't mean they are testing you all the time. If someone is testing you all the time to see if you are good, they probable are not genuinely interested in you.
Wish you the best. Noelia, Argentina.


Real friends are hard to find that's why when you found them it is somehow hard to let them go.
And if they were just testing you or something, maybe you did not find real friends. Real friends dont test. They somehow just accept you the way you really are without seeing negative in you cause what matter is the positive in you.
Real friends are hard to find and get, so there's only a few. You dont have to search and find real friends. They come to you by themselves . Hope this helping. Kevin.

I guess you're very young, so it's part of growing up and learning. Friendships are like relationships: you rise and fall, search and find, love and cry. Some friendships are very intense and deep, some pale and superficial. You've got to go through all of it to find your way. Every relationship, problem and situation is message about you. If you look for meanings and reasons, you'll find them and explore how you can turn it into something good for you. If you often got betrayed or tested, may be you're too good and naive or may be you have such characteristics as your friends. Just be honest to yourself and don't be scared of facing yourself inside. Finding true yourself leads to finding true friends and true love; meaning that you're aware and realistic. Think about being surrounded by wrong people and not paying attention on some persons who want to meet you and hang out. Have wise, wide and high look on the world, give a chance to many persons but with respect and loyalty. What goes around, comes around, for good or bad, so if you try, wish and give your love and help,you'll be rewarded. Oh, and if you have siblings, build and keep good relationships with them as much as you can. No matter what, they'll probably be your true friends through life more then anyone. "Brothers and sisters unite, gotta spread love around..."
With love, Kamili from Croatia.


It's sad but true, our Facebook friends don't equal our real, actual friends. A lot of people seem to forget that these days. Real friends are hard to find, they are the ones that stick with you no matter what, they are the people that don't judge you for who you are or what you do. It's highly likely you'll never have more than two or three actual best friends in your life, but that's okay. Be happy with all the friends you have but cherish the ones that in time turn out to meet your best friend qualifications. and don't forget: Make new friends, but keep the old; Those are silver, these are gold.Good luck! Amanda.

True friendship is far and few between. Don't fault yourself for finding a true friend. You should be picky as you deserve good friends. However, friendship is not always perfect. It can be difficult and heartbreaking. Remember to accept that true friendship is about accepting people for who they truly are. One of my best friends has a tendency to drink too much and often behaves poorly. Some of my other friends won't even tolerate him. But, I do because I love him and he loves me. Once I was terribly depressed and stuck in my apartment during a snow storm. I began to panic at the thought that I was going to be snowed in for a long time and realized that I couldn't be alone. I called my friend and said, "I don't think I can be alone right now." He said, "I will be there in 15 minutes to pick you up." He then drove through a Minnesota snow storm and picked me up. We got stuck a few different times, but we made it to his place. He did not complain nor did he mind when I sat down on the couch and immediately feel asleep. The next morning I woke up and found myself lying in his bed and wrapped with a blanket. He can drive me crazy, but he gets me (weird quirks & all) and he is the one that would drive through a snowstorm for me just because. Marcia.

This question is one that I've been asking for a while (though never out loud), because friendship is tricky. They test you, and if you don't fit the bill, they can do whatever they want, and let you hold onto them by a thread. I see my friends - I have those friends who read as much as me, or like the same music as me, or the friends who are just easy to talk to - and I wonder why they all have real friends that don't include myself. Through experience, I have found it very hard to find all of the above in just one person. When I talk about it to them, how I only have pieces of friends, they reassure me that they are not just pieces. I know this might not be the answer you are looking for, but I think that if you just allow yourself to be patient enough to find someone who really cares about you enough to accept you without any tests, you'll find that it might actually be worth the wait. At least, this is what I tell myself. Victoria.

Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



November 20, 2014 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?

As you may know, we have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday we open questions of a personal nature to all of you to answer too. Then, the following Friday, I post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply.

ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Thursday 27 November.

I have just graduated and moved back home but one big mystery still remained unsolved. It's about my so-called best friend with whom I spent 5 years of everyday life being "just friends", but being "more than friends". Nothing ever happened but everyone around us considered us as a couple, specially those who didn't know us. There's been many situations that almost led to something more clearly, but being a woman I thought that it was up to man to do something. Neither of us have ever had relationship during that time. He has some unsolved problems in his family which affected his childhood and it maybe a reason for being blocked to do something. He is partially aware of the problems and trying to solve them.
Although now, after my graduation we live in different towns, he keeps calling, and when I come to visit, we spend most of the time together and it is his initiative. I tried to talk about it directly and he has told that he wasn't able to do anything about us because of his problems. His father killed himself in his early childhood and his mother had never talked about it. He has pretty much normal life, a lot of friends and job, everything's ok but there are troubles with love and may be with me. I don't know what to do.
I feel like I'm trapped in this relationship not knowing who we are and what's going to happen. Please write your opinion and advice, any word will be helpful. Thank you.
Margarette, France.


Look forward to reading your replies.

The Oracle.

Please email your replies with TEAM ORACLE in the subject line to theoracle@coldplay.com
Including your twitter address may result in a follow back.



November 14, 2014 / submitted by Lisa, United Kingdom
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #193
I recently lost my Dad. He was 72 and had not been ill, then started to feel tired and unwell. From the start of him feeling off colour to his death was 6 weeks. From his diagnosis to his passing was 3 weeks. He died in my arms at 21.01 on April 16th and passed away very peacefully. If there is such a thing as a beautiful death, then my beautiful Dad had it. The air was so thick with love, that if love was a physical solid thing, you could almost have reached out and touched it.
The trouble is, although I see that it was a blessing that he didn't suffer, he didn't have to experience any traumatic treatments etc and that he was surrounded by me, my Mum and Brother in his final days, I am struggling terribly. He's gone, I'm never going to see him, hear his voice again, smell his amazing smell or hear him call me Looby Lou, and it's heartbreaking. People who know me well can see this has had a profound effect on me, they know how important he was to me and when I'm asked how I am, I just can't explain how bereft I feel. How on Earth will I ever feel like me again.
I keep being told to smile and be happy, that my Dad wouldn't want me to feel like this, but it doesn't change how much I miss him, it doesn't bring him back, it doesn't make it right. I have an 8 year son who had the most amazing relationship with his Grandad and he has been a Godsend, but he's asking me questions I can't answer like where has Grandad gone. Who knows?

I miss him, he was an amazing man who lived a full life, a Naval career for 28 years, an expedition leader to the Arctic several times, a British Empire Medal owner. It seems so unfair for someone so full of life to be taken from us. How does someone cope with the loss of the person who shaped her into the woman she is today, who instilled his life lessons and morals into me? I feel totally heartbroken but in the same breath am trying to keep things normal for my little boy. It's the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I can't see how I will ever feel like me again :(
Any advice is so gratefully accepted.

This also broke my heart, Lisa. Life can be cruel and unfair. I feel your pain and sadly this isn't something I'll be able to much help with. Coping with loss is both a universal and individual experience. All I know is it hurts like Hell. No matter how long it takes, the loss will never leave you. Keep him alive by living and being the woman he hand in creating and moulding.
You need support, get it from wherever you can - family, friends, counsellors, groups, books, music - your son.
The thing is, your grief is all raw & consuming, I'm not sure how you're supposed to keep it together for your son. Children are usually more accepting of death and resilient to its effects. However, they absorb feelings of those around them.
Your son can see your pain and obviously he will be missing his granddad. You don't have answers and I wouldn't try to find a way around this. I think you need to be frank with him and explain all that you do know and maybe discuss together what he thinks about the things you don't.
I know we teach kids about people and pets going to Heaven when they die but maybe the most important thing is to remind them that love lives on in the heart & memory forever.
I'm sorry I can't help more but I hope you find your way through.
Over to you.

Lisa, I just want to tell you to stay strong. I think if it were my situation I would be feeling like you, so I think the best thing you can do is to think in the happy things still around you, and remember all the happy moments you have had with your dad. You may know everyone come to life for a reason, and you should remember your dad's and yours, because if you stay stuck in this situation, you maybe will lose precious time of your life. For this moment I believe you could go through it with your son and with your mum, and getting supported by your friends and your family. Just tell to your main, and think of your dad in a good way: 'maybe one day, I'll fly next to you'. Love, Rosario from Argentina.

I also experienced this my grandmother died six days before my birthday when I was six and my cousin who was like a brother to me died of cancer four years ago. I know how you feel and I also sometimes feel like that. But somehow I always think they're watching me or that are still with me and that I'll see them someday. I know this hurts and all I would advise you is to think your dad is with you and that one day you'll see him. I have fifteen years old and I have to be strong to move on with my life. Think of your child and your dad i think they would not want you to be like that. God put a smile upon your face, right? I hope this message make you smile in some way I totally know how you feel and I know that you'll get over it and start smiling and thinking positive again.
Stay Strong Lisa. Andrea.

First thing I am going to say is that I am sorry for your lost and hope God bless you and all your lovely family.
I can understand what are you passing through and who do you feel since someone so important passed away in such a quick and unexpected way. Every time I feel down or sad about this and miss this person so much, I always thing of something that really makes me to feel calmed and happier. God always take the good ones with him. I am sure your father was a great father, husband, worker and friend, and everyone loved him for that. God always that the good and loved ones with him because he doesn't want them to suffer any other thing that may happen on the world. He is a better place now and is proud of you because I am sure you are a great daughter and friend too. Just do want you thing is correct, do want you thing he would like you to do. Make good unexpected thing he never thought you were capable to do. So, from heaven, he would be prouder than you.
Karolyn, Ecuador.


Losing someone you love is tragic, but is also inevitable. Thing is, you shouldn't revolve the reason to your living around someone else's life. Yes, he is your father, but that doesn't mean life stops at his death. I might sound harsh, but I am trying not to sugarcoat things, I don't want to give you false hope. You have to try and understand that we all die, and nothing will stop us from being mortals. You mentioned having a son, that's great. You should try and shift your focus towards him. You don't have to worry about telling him where his grandfather is, he will eventually understand. You won't stop missing him, I'll tell you that, but the feeling will fade with time. Give it patience, time, and try not to be on your own too often. You'll get there. Solaf.

It's common for women to have unrealized relationship with dad, so feel joy for having such experience. You've the right to grief, but think of your son. He shouldn't think of death as something negative and frightening because he'll live with that emotions. Listen to verses which deal with death, explaining what happens after dying: "One day death is gonna conquer me, I'll be there where the waters flow. I hope sweet heaven has a place for me." "I just wanna be there when the lightning strikes and the saints go marching in." Relief comes if you know where the person is after death.
My husband lost his dad and grandma in a war; they were killed in their house by neighbors. He couldn't go to funeral because he was in another country as a refugee and was prohibited to travel. He's been suffering panic attacks. He wasn't a believer, but somehow he remembered prayer "Our Father". Being shocked on pain he started praying and suddenly everything has cleared; he felt relief and salvation. During time he has realized God existed and his dad was in heaven. Jesus said: "I'm the resurrection and life." He answered to my husband (who was adolescent at that time) that his father still lived happily and could guide and help him. It's not imagination or coping strategy but soul of a searcher. He's forgiven the murders and is the happiest person I've met. If he could do it,you'll also find your way if you want it. While listening "O", meditate on: "Into smoke I'm turned, and RISE." If you never try, you'll never know.
Love, Kamili.


Losing a parent is a really sad time.
3 years ago without any warning my Mum who was only 65 suddenly passed away. We were all devastated.
10 days later my aunty also passed away. She had been suffering from cancer. It was a terrible time for everyone.
3 years on, time has slowly made the pain less bad. There are still times when the hurt returns, birthday's, anniversaries, Christmas etc but as time goes on you will find things get easier.
As for your son, you can tell him his Grandad will always be there watching him.
I also turned a negative into a positive by working for Hospiscare for the last 3 years, who looked after my aunty in her final days.
I hope this helps. Mike.

True, losing someone is very hard, but by what you have said, it seems your father lived a wonderful and full life, surrounded by people he loved.
Feel better. Annie.


I am sending you my deepest condolences for the loss of your dad. The process of grief cannot be skipped over and that means you have to allow yourself to feel the pain that his diagnosis, his decline and his passing brought into your. You have to look at it (feel it) and recognize it (accept it) as a part of what you have experience in your life's journey and that pain is something that you went through and will shape you as you continue to grow in spirit. Accepting the pain as a part of your past is paramount to processing grief, which is the tool that life gives us to be able to continue on after losing someone so loved.
I recommend buying a book on grieving. It really helps to know that what you are feeling is really a process that others have experienced.
I suggest writing letters to your dad. Write about what you are feeling, about your day, about your fears, about your concerns, about how much it hurts right now. Write to him about anything you would have discussed with him while he was still with you.
Finally, his life, what he meant to you, the love you shared and the tremendous goodness he brought into your life and the life of those who loved him is and always will be bigger than his death and the sorrow it brought. The love you shared sounds way bigger than this hurt you now feel.
Best regards to you, Miranda.

I am sorry for you loss. It sounds like you and your family ushered him to the beyond in a loving and meaningful way. There is no timeline to feeling better - I wish there was. I believe that children can handle truth better than adults realize. I think it is good to talk to your son about you sadness, but assure him that you love him. Also, you can talk to him about death and what it means, so answer his questions honestly. I feel like learning about death is important, so people don't fear it or avoid loved ones when they are sick. I don't know if you will ever feel totally healed from his death, you just need to get used to a new normal. A great tribute to your father would be to instill the same life lessons and morals you son. Another idea, would be to do something symbolic to honor him. Do something that you and he enjoyed together such as going to a restaurant or walking in the park. My mom lost her own mother way too young. Every Sunday we have family dinner and she puts out wine glasses. Then we put whatever we are drinking in the glass. One time someone asked why we needed to pour a canned soda in the wine glass. My mother then replied, "We are having dinner with my mother." The glasses had once belonged to her mother. Take care, Marcia.

I really feel for you I was in much the same boat a few years back and it was hard. I felt as though the earth should not turn. When I walked into the family home the day of the funeral, I keenly felt his absence. I felt orphaned and alone. Like you we had a special relationship, and like you I also had a small child too. Your father would be proud of you, he sounds like a very fine man indeed. How we deal with grief varies we can't just fake it and be happy all the time. So cry and grieve, go for long walks, write in a journal and feel the loss, but if it gets too overwhelming please seek help of a professional. This is one of life's most stressful events and it will be a while before you are yourself again. How you answer your child will depend on your belief system and what you are comfortable with, be honest with him and be ready to give support. Remember that the very things you loved about your father likely will live on in you, you keep the person he was alive in the way you live your life. In time you will remember him with a smile and laughter. It will get easier. I wish you peace and comfort. Laurie.

I'm very sorry for your loss. As for advice all I can say to you is: Of course you miss him and of course you're still grieving, it only just happened. The people who tell you your dad wouldn't want you to be sad are probably right, but that doesn't mean you can start smiling again right away. Everyone grieves in their own way, but there's one thing that goes for everyone and that is that grieving takes time. You can't expect yourself to get over the loss of a parent you loved and cared for in the span of a few months. Just give it time and allow yourself to grieve. I'd tell your son the truth. explain to him on his level what death means and even if you're not sure yourself where your dad went, tell that to your son. I know its hard and you can't see it right now, but you will feel like yourself again. Maybe a year from now or maybe two or three and even though you'll often think about your dad even 10 years from now, you'll be just fine. Good luck! Amanda.

Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



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