November 29, 2013 - submitted by Amanda, Netherlands
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #146
I'm 24 years old and living with my parents. I'm still studying and live only 10 min away from school. So financially and practically it makes no sense for me to move out until I'm done studying (in 2 years). But lately my parents have been driving me insane! I love them don't get me wrong, but I get more and more annoyed with the things they do and say every day!
What do you think I should do? I don't have enough money to move out, but I'm not sure if I want to keep going like this for two more years either. I just want a place for myself, where I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.
And how can I cope living with my parents for a few more years? Please help!
The Oracle replies:
You may not have enough money right now to move out but that doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to get the money. If you went to college further away you wouldn’t be able to live at home and you’d have to manage to support yourself like so many others do. Not every student has the luxury of living with parents and it is a luxury. I know because I did during the first 2 years of college. I wasn't entitled to anything because I'd chosen somewhere local.
I quite rightly contributed to the household but am aware that it's probably tougher these days with fees, books, lack of grants / funding.
Your parents may drive you mad despite your love for them but they’re obviously helping you out a great deal. That’s the sacrifice for having a roof over your head and food on the table.
I will assume you’re studying really hard though and it’s probably a daunting prospect figuring out where to go and how to afford it but... people do it all the time.
I suggest you do some research into how much shared accommodation is, as that would bring the cost down. You’d have your own space and shared facilities but that’s what you have now.
You need to plan a budget. Work out how much you would need for rent, bills & food. Then find a part-time job that pays enough to cover it. It will be incredibly difficult to fit in school, studying, work, sleep and a social life but the struggle could be the making of you. It’ll give you a real sense of independence and a taste of what the real world is like.
Perhaps you’ve become complacent with not having to leave. You're going to have to leave once school is over. You even said “financially and practically it makes no sense for me to move out”. If you can’t or won’t move, you’ll have to find your own space at home and get on with it.
I’m sorry to be harsh, Amanda but you’re 24, an adult, it’s time to move out.
Over to you.
You say it doesn’t make sense to move out from a financial or practical point of view, but it does make sense for your well-being and personal development. What you’re experiencing is nothing but normal. We get tired of living with our parents at some point event if we love them deeply. It’s part of the growing up thing. You want to become independent which is a healthy sign that you’re ready to face life on your own. It’s good sometimes to spend less time with beloved to better enjoy time spent together. It’s a question of quality over quantity. And I think it’s a necessary transition to live first with a friend or alone before moving in with a boyfriend. I assume you feel guilty for wanting to move out because of the financial investment it implies and because it means to tell your parents you need some space. But discuss it with them and try to find a compromise. What about, you pay half of the charges with a part time job and they pay the other half? Also, living with flatmates can be more cost-effective (and more fun).
Hope you’ll find a solution. Helene.
I think you should try and sort, schedule and organise things out with them. What I mean is, you should try and convince them with what you'd want to be happy with. Try and talk to them about how you've been feeling and try to tell them about what you're thinking. Many teenagers and young adults often try to do this to let their parents know what they're going through with everything and how they're going through with everything. Don't worry about doing this however, your parents will love you no matter what happens and will try to agree on you can do with your abilities and what you want to do for a living.
And If you're worried about living in your own place and/or your studying, don't worry! You'll get there eventually! I know people who are always worrying about living on their own, but you'll have to try and let your friends and family know that you want to do this and they will help you with your problems and anxieties. Don't be afraid, just let your feelings out and say them.
Don't worry Amanda, you can do it. You have so much abilities that you are capable of! You can do anything that your heart desires! Just enjoy your life and become more. You can do it. I believe in you. Craig, Scotland, UK.
Escape from reality is not good thing to do. You must think for your future and what your life will be if your parents don't standing by your side.
They want to see you with your best. They do things for making better destiny to your journey ahead.
May be you need some days to go in holiday. Beach, mountain, lake, or another place to find peace and refresh yourself. All you need is being alone and feel your breathe.
You should sit closely with your parents in small room with cups of tea or coffee and talk about life and choice. If they don't give you alternative, so tell them the truth about what you're feel about.
Don't over thinking, let it be. Walk with joy, no matter what'll happen. Pray to God and save you life by living.
Small or big, they can be more understand you. And maybe it can be make your life be better. Lusi, Indonesia.
I think it's a good thing to talk to your parents how you feel about some things, just tell them what your problems are. I know it's not always easy to live with your parents but there is always a way to find things out. Say what's on your heart they will understand you, because if you say nothing then they also don't know how you feel. Wanna wish you good luck, greets Marianne.
First for your disillusion: even when you live in your own flat, there can be always something or somebody to get on your nerves. There’s one major difference: those are not your parents.
Although you are studying I want to say it does make sense to move out both practically and financially. Two years later probably you will have to change your location anyway because of your job? Then everything would be new at the same time.
With your own daily routine now you could concentrate more on your studies. Financing will take efforts for sure, but in the end you will be proud of it! I don’t know about the situation in your country - check out credits for students, cheap rent, flat sharing, you will have to work during weekends and semester breaks. Now you would not have to move far away, you still could see your family regularly and then, I bet, your parents and you will get along much better again. Best wishes! L.Q.
I don't know if you had a year out or whether you're on a very long course as 26 seems quite an advanced age to be finishing school. Do you really still want to be living with your parents at 26? What about relationships?! Are there any more friends at your school in the same situation? Maybe you should all get a place together. Steve.
Amanda, I'm not surprised you're frustrated: you're an adult living at home which will surely still have some of the constraints you had as a child. Maybe your parents are not encouraging you to move out either. Have a family meeting and tell them what your feeling. Maybe they're getting on your nerves because after all this time they want some space of their own too? Bev.
Sounds like you're living rent free and don't want to lose the lifestyle it affords you. Unless you're giving your parents money towards your keep, I don't think you're in a position to say anything. Sorry! Pete.
I don't know your parents' financial position but I wonder if they could help you out so you can move out. They might appreciate the distance too and you could always pay them back when you start working? If not, try looking into a student loan or bursary of some sort. Good luck. Abs.
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