June 28, 2013 - submitted by Nathan, United States of America
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #125
My wife left me. I am hurting. I made the promise of forever but apparently our vows didn't mean as much to her as they did to me. Now I am stuck and don't know what to do. I want her back but she won't have me. But I am afraid to move on because I don't want to feel the deep pain and regret I am feeling now for making a commitment so deep and having my heart be discarded as if it meant nothing in the first place.
Got any advice?
The Oracle replies:
I do not want to sound flippant because I honestly know how you feel. There are many people who will empathize with your situation regardless of the length of the relationship and without matrimony. A relationship commitment broken hurts like hell no matter what level of bond - formal ceremony, children, etc.
The things you need to remember may not help you work out the whys but they are important.
I am betting your wife meant the vows she took at the time so try not to think that she didn't or took them lightly. People change as do feelings and I'm afraid there's not much you can do about that. Don't regret what you did as that would diminish the feelings that you both had for each other and they were real. Sadly love doesn't always last a lifetime - or not always for both people at least. Cherish what you had but trying to work out what went wrong is fruitless. You can never know what is going on for someone else. Concentrate on you and helping yourself.
You will move on but your heart needs to heal and that could take a very long time.
It's tough to make things work unless you both want to so you HAVE to let her go. You may want her back simply because you love her or maybe it's because you haven't a clue how you're supposed to go on without her.
Your heart has not been disregarded but unfortunately your wife could not have stayed for the sake of your heart, your feelings or your vows. You are naturally in pain but think of living a miserable life in a loveless marriage. It takes two and this will no doubt scar you in trusting anyone else in the future. There's no harm being cautious but love - as you know - is a beautiflu thing so don't deny yourself the possibility. You can - and will - cope and eventually you will love again and allow someone into your heart. For now concentrate on keeping busy. I know it's hard accepting that it's over and it can be all consuming. Reminisce about your good times but don't dwell on the end. That can only lead to a downward spiral.
I wish you the very best and hope you surround yourself with love - right now from family & friends.
Over to you.
As hard as it may sound, we can't make others love us. I would suggest opening up your heart to her and explaining how you feel and if her final decision is still to go on separate ways, then this is something you have to accept.
I don't know the reason that lead her to move away from you, but this world is full of wonderful people and events that you shouldn't miss out. Live your pain, don't run away from it and don't keep it inside. If you feel like crying then do so, it helps to write down your thoughts and feelings on a notebook every day, make this your private time (and your healing sessions), write until you have no more words coming out from inside.
Only time will heal, so don't rush. We grow really fast when these type of situations come into our lives, so don't feel miserable and don't feel like a victim, since this will only make it last longer. Approach it like a person that knows that everything happens for a reason, every situation has a hidden knowledge that is waiting to be discovered. Stay strong. Ady.
I know it's really difficult in the situation you're right now, but there's still a chance...Why you say that your wife is not getitng with you anymore? Try it, but let me tell you that if she doesn't to do something for you to be together again, well....You'll have to move on...I know it sounds very very complicated but that's life. It also happened to me except the fact that I'm not married. My uncle died 2 years ago and it was really complicated, because he left 2 little and beautiful children. And for me was really hard to accept the fact that he was not going to be with me anymore. Pray always to God. He knows why he does these things to us. Talk this with a friend, or someone you appreciate. It's better to let it go out everything. And thank you for sharing your problem with us. Even do we don't know each other, I sent you a really BIG hug and my best wishes for you to recover. Saludos desde Mexico, Catalina.
I think none of us could be wise enough to give you and advice that would solve everything. Every now and then life gets harder that we can take, and that happens to everyone. At first, it feels like the whole world lost its sense but we learn to carrry on. You seem to be an amazing person that has true feelings, but you can't control everything. Love is different for each of us. Don't blame yourself. Don't stay too long in the past, you'll just be wasting your present. Just remember the good times and move on. I bet you'll find someone that loves you for who you are and as much as she can. I can't promiss it would be soon but it will happen. Also, don't look for it too hard, it will appear by itself. I know I sound too positive or cheesy but for some reason, I believe everything will turn out just fine.
Smile, we live in a beautiful world.
Lyssete - Lima, Peru.
It's not fair what your wife did to you but everything happens for a reason. It's normal for you to be hurting but you have to keep your head up because greater things in life are coming your way. But still, tell her how you feel, live your life to the fullest, let her know that you can still live a happy life without her. You are responsible for making yourself happy, no one else. Tolu.
It is always hard when love has to end. Many of us know what you are going through, and I am so sorry that you have to experience it. It is something I would not wish on my greatest enemy. I do believe, though, that everything happens for a reason. I know it sounds hard, and at times impossible, but sometimes we have to trust that the universe or God, or whatever you believe in, has a plan for us. Our plan is constantly in motion and there is a reason behind everything that happens to us. Perhaps there is a woman out there who is better suited for you. Someone who will understand every part of you and love you for the good ones and the bad. Someone who makes you feel connected; a true soulmate. It is hard to picture this now because your heart lies with your wife. But when this new person does appear, it will all make sense. Everything just aligns after that. Perhaps God (or the universe, etc.) really wants you to find this new person. They know that you can be fully happy when you come together, and the hardest part is waiting. Because it will not seem worth it until it finally happens. My advice is patience, understanding, and learning to love yourself, as well. You are a good person and if your wife does not see that, then you may not be meant to be together. But, it will all come together in the end. I wish you the best of luck, just remember to love! Surround yourself with things and people you love. My Very Best, Alexa.
Unfortunately there are many reasons why one partner is hurting more than another when there is a loss of a connection. Without knowing your relationship you cannot place any one moment for a reason. However most times one feels a disconnect while another is perfectly content with contentment. The other may feel as if it is not enough for them to just go through the motions. Maybe the candle burned out and it's gone far too long to light it up again. Love comes and goes and it takes two people to make it last. The first days of love are imprinted in ones heart and when the stage of blindness ends one compares the current relationship to what used to be. and disappointment and discouragement set in. I was once told, once a plate has been broken you can glue it back together as strong as you want, but in the end it's been broken and you know the cracks are there. If you heal you will learn to love again, but no two loves will ever feel the same.
Good Luck. Best, S.
My name is Christian and I'm 14 years old. I know you're hurt and you probably not gonna listen to a teenager, but before clicking out, just listen for a second. I can't give much, but I can try to cheer you up. I will try, not do it too sentimental. My first advice is, you should try to think about life a bit and consider your situation. Second, do something with the guys. Grab a beer with them and try to think of something else. I'm not saying that you should move on, but try to think of something else. Third, try to talk to her. I don't know your situation in this moment, but when the time is right try to sit down and talk. To finish my mail off I will tell you an old saying my mom used to tell me. It sounds like this "If you love something you gotta let it go and if it's loves you, it will come back". Again I'm just a teenager, so don't take me too seriously.
Hope you will get any luck out of the mail. Good luck in the future and I really hope you too gonna get back together. The best greetings, Christian.
At first，I have to say sorry to you，because I have no helpful advice for you. Actually，nobody can help you. Only yourself and time could cure you.
To be honest, I just broke up with my BF 5 months ago. I know the feeling. That's soooo bad at first It's nearly drove me nervous breakdown. But you should understand that everything has reason. Your wife left you also have some reasons. If the reason is misunderstands I suggest you communicate with your wife in a calm mood. There is no heart knot can't be opened.
But I also to say,IF she don't go back finally I hope you don't be too much upset. I always think no matter how heartbreak you feeling the life won't stop for you.
I just see your question and think about myself some months ago and wish can help you. Anyway, hope you can wake up.I know it‘s difficult but you should do. Vivi.
I'm sorry for what you're going through and that sort of pain is probably one of the worst kinds.
My advice to you is to grieve and give yourself time to feel your pain. All the while, talking to friends, giving yourself some respite and try to change the air, so to speak. After a while, think of why things went wrong in your relationship and how you can better yourself as a person. Everyone has room for improvement.
Don't contact your girl. Give her space.
If you choose to, after a few months, once you've healed a little and worked on yourself, I think its reasonable to contact her to see if you can work at healing the relationship together, if she agrees to. But you definitely have to be prepared and expect the answer to be no. At this point, you need to let go, say goodbye and move on.
You'll be okay. As the saying goes, "life goes on" and it's true. Tomorrow will be a better day. Best wishes. S.B.
I can't say I know what it feels like to feel that certain pain, but I have had to deal with a serious relationship coming to an abrupt end which left me still wanting to be together, but she had already moved on to other guys. Moving on is honestly one of the hardest things to do. It's normal to not want to feel that pain all over again. Taking that risk can be scary, but it is necessary as long as you feel ready. My best advice would be take a break from women (as long as you need,maybe stay occupied with friends or work), but once you feel ready you have to take that next step & hope it works out. Even if it doesn't right away, keep trying. "When you're tired of aiming your arrows. Still you never hit the mark. Come on, baby, don't let it break your heart." Just know that you WILL find someone else who you can completely trust with all of your heart & she will feel the same towards you. Best of luck, Nathan! Austin, Illinois, USA
I'm so sorry to hear that your marriage has come to this point. At this point, you two need to reach a conclusion to the impasse in front of you. It's obvious that you feel very strongly for her, and you may want to find a way to express this to her. Maybe ask her to lunch so you can talk about your future, and use this as an opportunity to tell her that you still feel very strongly for her. Tell her that you will do whatever it takes.
Now, I believe that your love for her is strong enough to heal this wound, but if she has to return this love, and she may not. It's hard to come to terms with this, and time is the only way that wound will heal, but it definitely will.
I know this is hard, but you'll get through this.
Best wishes, Bradley H.
You are stuck. You have two choices.
1. You wait for her, stay loyal
2. Allow yourself to get angry. Angry. Real angry. Let it out till you see the truth.
Do you still love someone who hurt you? Anon.
Nathan, I think you should try to move on. Surround yourself with your friends and family and never give up because you will get through this! Michelle.
I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now. I think the key words are "right now", as it's something that will feel better over time. You'll have to work on it, though. This might sound strange, but try not to take it too personally. People change in all kinds of ways. Don't think of it as something to do with who you are or about your pride, it's just about what she feels for someone else, or maybe even just what she doesn't feel between the two of you anymore. If she just doesn't have the same feelings, then there really isn't much you can do. It's not something you can help, not even something she can help. You should just try to accept that it's happened. I'm sure you've got other friends or things you like to do, so just concentrate on distracting yourself. You mentioned your vows and also that you feel "stuck". I think you'll continue to feel that way if you don't stop yourself from remembering every promise and plan you both made together. She most likely did mean it at the time, and if she didn't, then those promises were worthless anyway, right? Listen to a song called Anenome by The BJM. Hope this helps. Love, Darem.
This is a very painful experience for you and maybe you will never understand the reasons why she left. To accept your new situation is the first thing you can do to get out of your disappointment. Though a marriage wow is sacred, it can’t guarantee happiness. Live is happening every day, things are developing and changing. When we give something from ourselves we often can’t know if it will be appreciated forever or if our expectations will come true, you can’t ban any risk completely.
For me it is always helpful only to go one step further when I’m sure I won’t regret my decision, also when it is a wrong direction and I have to go back. Count more on the moments. Be yourself and don’t take away anything of your true identity because of your fear to be disappointed again.
It has to be seen who you are that you can be found.
Then be aware of every day life, try to keep the magic of the beginning and don’t give a chance to the daily routine to win. Very best wishes. L. Q.
I can feel your pain and hurt and any relationship breakdown is hard even if this is for the best.
I think we say our marriage vows and mean them at the time but at the time is just that, we are forever changing and developing beings from the experience of life itself and sometimes we grow together or apart neither is right or wrong or to blame on either party.
Embrace the change, feel the hurt for now but look ahead as life will get better and you will be happy even happier one day soon.
All the best Emma.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week’s question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.