April 5, 2013 - submitted by Analisa, United States of America
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #114
I am a 21 year-old woman who has been in a committed relationship for 3 years. About 6 months ago, I met another person who I now think I am completely in love with. We just get along in ways that make me feel more complete and more in love and I think about him every day. However, I still have the person I am with. I have never cheated, and I would never plan to. I also have never hinted to this new person in my life that I have feelings for him. He has met my current boyfriend a few times and they both got along just fine. I'm not sure what I should do. If I'm dissatisfied in the relationship I'm in should I just end it and start a new one? Or am I just infatuated and I don't really know what I want? I just don't want to ruin the relationship I have with both of them and I don't want to hurt the person I am currently with because he has done nothing more than love me.
The Oracle replies:
Of course you don't want to hurt your boyfriend or ruins either relationship but it's been 6 months so it looks like it's make or break time.
I think you may be in your comfort zone with your current boyfriend and maybe things aren't as exciting as they used to be. Feelings have been ignited by a new guy who has piqued your interest and your head is confused.
Think back to 3 years ago and recall your feelings when you first met your fella. Similar feelings?
It's possible to have feelings for both but at 6 months on, still having those feelings, it's hardly surprising you're conflicted. You can love someone yet not be in love with them - perhaps that's the change in your relationship.
Whether we click with someone or fall head over heels in love, there's every chance we may continue through life meeting new people who make us feel that heady rush or buzz of excitement.
When I am in love, I am pretty blinkered. I don't notice anyone else. In fact, there have been times where I have been single and started a new relationship with someone who I have previously met but have no recollection of it. What I'm trying to say is maybe the fact your head and heart have been turned at all speaks volumes.
That said, when I was 21 the exact same thing happened to me that you describe. After 3 and a half years I found myself drawn to someone other than my partner. I was torn. I didn't want to hurt anyone but the pull was strong. Looking back I don't think my love was enough and I was too young to commit. I had become complacent and felt I was only in the relationship out of habit. Like you, I received nothing but love so it was hard to contemplate leaving. I can really empathize. I foolishly stayed for longer than I should have.
The most telling thing you said is "If I'm dissatisfied in the relationship I'm in should I just end it and start a new one?"
From that I take it you ARE dissatisfied. However, rebound relationships aren't always a great idea. If you want to give yourself the best chance of working out what you want, be on your own.
Try to imagine your future without either of them in it. There's no guarantee either of these relationships will work. I do truly believe that if you know deep down that your heart is not in your current relationship, don't drag it out - that's not fair on him. Life is too short to stay with someone out of guilt or a sense of duty.
Over to you.
Poor Analisa- There are several answers to your query especially depending on belief's, personal history with the current guy and many other factors-it all affects your outlook and the outlook of others who may offer you advise on how to handle this. I see it as you have two issues and I think you must separate the two in order to find an answer. First, without thinking of the new guy, ask yourself if you are happy with your current boyfriend. Then based on the answer you find, you need to figure out why you are attracted to the new guy? Is it infatuation or is he surely more of what you want in a guy? At 21, three years IS a long time to be with someone, however, in the grand scheme of life, 21 is a young age, your experience level is still growing and you may not have enough road behind you to know that three years isn't that long at all. So don't let that time together catch you up. Along the way we all learn from each relationship hopefully putting those lessons to use on the next go around. Best of Luck and light to you on your decision! Ben.
The first thing you need to do is clear your mind. I know you already know the answer, but it might be difficult to find it when you are confused. I believe that you should think about what you want. Maybe you don't love the person you are with anymore or just not like before. Maybe this person you just met is just a crush. Well, I can't know. It's your feelings you're dealing with. Whatever you choose remember that your decision doesn't need to make everyone happy, just you. You should worry about the ones you care about, but at the end, it's yourself who is more important.
Wish you the best,
Lyssete - Peru.
I think you should be honest with your boyfriend. Being in a relationship for that long, you should respect him enough to not want to hurt him. If you think about it, pretending to be in love with him while your in love with someone else is a bit pointless, unless you're striving to hurt him (which it doesn't seem like). I think the biggest question you have to ask yourself is if you actually love him or not. Even if you don't start a relationship with the other guy you have feelings for, if you don't love your current boyfriend, you should end it. That's how I feel about it, anyway. Good luck. Love, Darem.
It could be a sign, your strong feeling for the person, a sign that in your current relationship something is missing or going gradually wrong. Though he loves you there still will be something you both have to work on or to improve.
Maybe this person is the one for you and you for him, but at the moment it’s only a wild guess, you don’t know his reaction. No matter if you gave him a hint, if you don’t have the impression he could be interested, this looks quite one sided.
Probably you will have to decide and this could hurt your boyfriend - or yourself, when you go on to hide your feelings. What is it that could keep you together for a live? This question will be important for your decision. Sure we don’t know it before we live it.
Avoid to leave the one just because of another, it would not feel fair for your partner, neither the lost one nor the one you have won. Better you first decide for your own way. True, this could be a break, that can be a right decision after only a few months or many years, but it doesn’t need to be the only consequence.
However, one day you might be glad that this kind of love gave you motivation for a change - is it a rearrangement of your current relationship or you might have found something completely else then. Decide with your heart! L.Q.
It sounds like your boyfriend cares more for you than you do for him. Do the right thing - if you love him, set him free. Trish.
21 is still young to commit and as you've been together 3 years already, you were only a teenager at the time you got together with lots of growing up to do. If he's your first love, I know how hard it is to break away but it may be time to do exactly that. T.
It sounds like you've got a crush - on someone new. It won't always be new. What if you leave and then he's not new anymore and someone else new comes along?
If you stay, only stay if you love him and think it will make you happy. If you think you'll be happier with the other guy - leave and do it sooner rather than later. Rich.
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