January 25, 2013 - submitted by Elise,

Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #104
I'm young and have been dating the same guy for almost two years (which is a long time when you're young as you know). We've been so close but lately I've been thinking about things, things that for so long I have overlooked - his obscene and inappropriate jokes, his moodiness, his anger which he directs towards me. I've always been a comfort to him, as he has to me (he can be very sweet and romantic) but I'm tired of his inability to be a true gentleman through and through. I know you should stick with someone and accept them as a whole, but he can be more of a jerk than the sweet guy I once knew, and I don't ever want to settle for someone who's only good for me half the time. How could I have overlooked this for so long? And how can I change things? Can things be fixed?


The Oracle replies:

Who said you should stick with someone? I agree to some extent that you have to accept people as they are but that doesn't mean you have to associate with them. You can choose to accept them but walk away - that's also an option, one I exercise myself.
It may be you have grown up more than him in the past 2 years or maybe you've just grown out of him. Either way, YOU can't change things because it's your boyfriend's behaviour - only he can change that. You could try talking to him if you think that will help the situation but I'm not sure he can change overnight. Perhaps he's just showing off to his friends and hasn't really realized what a jerk he is being. It's up to you whether you stay in case he changes or move on now in case he doesn't.
When you like or love someone a lot (friendship, family or relationship), it's easy to overlook things or you may just put up with them but you don't have to now you're aware. Don't feel foolish as most of us do it. I have light bulb moments sometimes when I realize that it's better to distance myself from things that make me feel uncomfortable. It's sometimes liberating to break habits which is almost what this situation seems to have become for you. It can also be quite emotional which is understandable given the history you have.
One of the final things you said sums it up for me and everyone would do well to have it as their mantra: "I don't ever want to settle for someone who's only good for me half the time".
And why should you? You need to do what feels right for you.
Over to you.

I find advising others on matters of the heart & love to be so tricky! But, i figured I could share a little from my own experience, so,… when we are young love can be wonderful & exhilarating & seemingly perfect, but, people change, we all do, & how we feel & see life when we are under the age of 20 can be very different to how we see & value life as we get older! Growing away from a relationship/love is difficult, & even when you know it’s the right thing to do, it still can cause us heartbreak!(!?!) On the other hand, your boyfriend might just be going through his own changes, so have you spoken to him about how you feel? My advice: be open & honest with him, & besides, you never know how that conversation might turn out! Growing & changing is good Elise - I kinda think it’s how we stretch for/reach for our dreams & future! & Lastly, one thing I am really beginning to place importance on in my own life is value - learning to value myself, my dreams & goals, as well as recognising/placing value on others. So, my advice is to be honest with your boyfriend, and with yourself, your dreams, & your future. all the best, Cali.

In my opinion he can be fixed, but the relation between you is hard to be fixed bcz the relation is like a drawing and when it gets ugly you can't do anything about it. The only way to fix it is when you strictly cut everything what connects you for not less than a year and then if you still care about each other you will meet but you have to be careful bcz the relation can curve very easily because of the memories & bad habits and thus you will find yourself in the same old situation but in a different time. The best thing to do keep walking & don't give this relation so much time and priority in ur head.
Good luck. Georges.

As my longest "relationship" lasted no longer than 3 months, I usually don't feel entitled to answer the Team Oracle questions about love. However, there is something about your story that is totally familiar to me. That is, the feeling of being close to someone who has an evil as well as an angelical side. It took me a long time to acknowledge the fact that my "best friend" used to bring me down most of the time due to her malicious comments towards me. I believe that a person who loves you should never ever treat you badly. OK, sometimes a couple may have disagreements and you could even argue and have a little "fight" but, above it all, you deserve respect and tenderness. Elise, I think that in order to respect yourself, you have to show other people how valuable you are. Do not let other people "look down on you" or treat you disrespectfully. That doesn't bring happiness, but only misery. So, that being said, take care of your integrity, and do what suits you better. I'm not saying that you should let go of him because that is an absolutely personal matter but... life and love are meant to enjoy and bring joy. Much love, Carolina.

Maybe you didn’t have really overlooked this, but you might have changed much more in your awareness or he might have changed in his manner. Why should it not be possible that he changes his way again?
How does he react when you tell him explicit which jokes and moods are too much for you?
You will need to talk and make clear to him that a change is necessary if he wants you to stay. Nobody needs to be perfect, but the things which are annoying you he could lessen surely. Aggressivity could have medical reasons too, there could be something with his job or anything else. It sounds you want to give your love a chance, point that out to him and show your sympathy. If he then not even tries to change at all you probably will have to set a limit for your own sake. All the best! L.Q.

It sounds like your fella is immature and needs to grow up! The thing is, it could be a phase. Whatever, maybe you should explain that if he wants to act like a jerk, he can do it on his own and see if he cares enough to change. P.D.

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