September 7, 2012 - submitted by Josje, Belgium
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #86
I have never had a boyfriend yet. I think I'd like to have a boyfriend, but I've never met a boy that I actually love. (Yes, I do have had crushes but only on famous singers or actors, but never on a real boy...) I'm scared that I will never find a boy to love, maybe I'm just too choosy or maybe THE boy doesn't exist for me. Also I'm already 17 years old, so probably I won't be the first girlfriend for my first boyfriend. That scares me too. I've never kissed, I don't even talk a lot with boys.
I don't really know what I expect as answer on this, because it's not really a question. Also it feels weird to tell this here on the internet while I have never told anyone in real life about it. But please help me (team) Oracle.
The Oracle replies:
Don't worry! It's natural to feel anxious about finding love, especially for the first time but 17 is still young. I was 17 before my first relationship too. It may help if you start talking to boys but don't see them as any different to your female friends. It doesn't matter if you're too choosy - that's not a bad thing. It also doesn't matter if a boy you meet and like isn't THE boy. I think if you tell yourself that it will happen at the right time with the right person but try not to stress about when, you'll relax. People often say that love comes when you're least expecting it so thinking about it a lot might actually be hindering your chances of meeting anyone.
I wouldn't worry about whether any boy you meet has had a girlfriend before you or not, it's the present that matters not the past so try not to give that a second thought.
For now, just meet boys, talk to them and become friends - you may find one of your friendships turn into something more when there's a deeper attraction but don't force it.
Over to you.
I know what it feels like to be a teenager, I am one. And I'll admit it is an emotional roller-coaster, sometimes. Having never dated anyone myself, I can relate to your frustration. It often is a lonely life being a single girl. You look at all your friends sharing their lives with what seems to be their best friend, "the love of their life" and wonder why it hasn't happened to you yet. I remember feeling this way for so long and almost falling depressed over it. However as time passed, I learnt so much from the experience of my other friends, who had their fair share of break-ups and relationship dramas. With observation, I realised the root of the problem; they were forcing it. There's so much pressure on us, thanks to our current society; romance movies, fairy tales, love songs and what not. It often seems like if you don't date the first guy you meet, you'll never find someone. But you know what Josje, it's okay to be picky. You don't have to settle for the first boy that asks you out. If you don't feel like it's the right person for you, then why waste your time and then after a few months of a miserable relationship realise "woops, maybe that wasn't the best choice"?? So what if you have crushes on celebrities? Guy Berryman is hot.
Be patient and I promise you the right one will come, there's a soulmate for everyone, always remember that. For now, the best thing you can do is be selfish and by that I mean focus on yourself. Build your life, learn to live independently, taste success, learn from your life experiences and live while you can! There's so much more to life than having a boyfriend, trust me.
Well I don't think that you need to be worried about that right now, you're only 17 years old! I know that now and days every one has to have a boyfriend/girlfriend when they are still in kindergarten , but it's ok to be different. Heck you should meet me! I'm very different and I'm happy about it. I have never had a boyfriend (I'm only 14 so I am still to young and I don't want to have one) I'm just different. And I think that everyone has to look, act, sound like EVERYONE in the world and if your not then your not cool. But I don't think that's how we where suppose to be in the first place. I think you should be you. So I say just live your life, Don't worry be happy and the right guy will come when he needs to. Mollie USA.
I understand your feelings about wanting to find someone to love who also loves you, but you have time! Just because you have not met someone yet, does not mean that it won't happen. There is a difference between being too choosy and not being able to give your heart away too easily. It sounds like you are a romantic and tend towards the latter, which can be a good thing. If you are worried about being too choosy, just remember that we all have our flaws, but when you find the right person those things either won't really seem to matter or, if it is meant to last, you will work through your differences. I don't believe that the boy for you doesn't exist - the universe is not so stingy with love! And what if he has had other girlfriends? Our previous loving relationships don't diminish the love we can give and experience with others. If it's the kissing, well, there are plenty of very excellent novice kissers out there. Maybe practice helps, but it is just best to feel through it. In the meantime, it might help your confidence if you try to talk to boys more and even make some friends who are boys. Then you will also get a better idea of what characteristics you would admire in a boyfriend. The important thing is to follow your heart and to not carry unfair expectations of what the one you love will be. Susannah.
Well Josje don't worry about it, just because you haven't had any boyfriend yet, doesn't mean you're not going to have one. Remember that falling in love starts one night to the next morning, so you need to be patience if you want something real, so it will take a little while. First, look or find someone that looks attractive to you and has things in common with you, a little help from your friends is always good, you can start asking them to introduce to someone they know that could be good for you (remember a friend who really knows you and cares about you, will always look for what's best for you, so you better listen them well). Second, If you're shy don't worry about that, but don't get me wrong, sometimes boys like girls that are a bit shy but they also want someone with self confidence, so you better start getting more self confidence. Third, you're going to get more comfortable with him, but make sure not to change or being less than him, I've seen this a lot of times, the girl get her heart broken or let this bad guy to treat her bad, something that really looks bad on a woman, no self respect. Remember to love and respect yourself first, real men like this big quality in women, and is a man that I am, this quality is really attractive in a woman, because it means she is someone that knows her place in the relationship, as and equal, and will be honest when showing her feelings to her couple. I wish you the best. Moya, Honduras.
Love ignores numerary and stats. There are no rules when, how long, often, if... all those foolish rumours! I know a couple, they were each others first one and didn't tell - so shy and silly, caused by thinking of conventions for "what is usual"! So what?
There is one rule: Don't do anything you do not feel good thereby. One more hint: Us women sometimes like to exaggerate in this issue, don't believe everything we say! W.N.
All of your words could have been said by me. Until now I have thought I'm the only person in the world who doesn't even have the smallest, teeniest probability of being in a relationship. And to make it even worse - I AM 20 YEARS OLD! Yes, I am, so you are not alone. Sometimes I fear that something is wrong with me and I am simply not able to love anyone (not that I ever had a chance to try to love someone) or that when the day comes, I will run away, begin to hesitate, because to love means also to suffer. I also fear that I'll die of loneliness at the age of 30, never having kissed a man. No, but seriously, Josje, remember - people tend to see things which worry them more clearly than the truth. And the truth is - there are soooo many men in this world and you will surely find one - especially for you. I suppose you might try devoting yourself to your hobby - maybe there you'll meet someone with similar interests? (That's why I'm doomed, no man is interested in crocheting...) And remember this - better to be alone than to be with someone improper. And do not let pressure destroy your life. I wish you patience and love. K.
I know right now it feels as if there's no hope, but you've got plenty of time left. Fate has plans for you, perhaps fate is waiting for the most desirable time and place, saving you for the best opportunity. When all seems to come into place, your 'Prince Charming' will arrive. Don't let your head down. Mya.
It's alright, many people don't often find love when they're still young, you shouldn't be upset nor scared from a thing like that, its a world full of boys out there, and you shouldn't be hopeless on love already. Everything will fall into place one day, just hang in there. You still have a long road ahead of you. Live your life and focus on being yourself. If its not you who haven't found your perfect guy, then your perfect guy hasn't found you yet, and im pretty sure he will in the future. Mehieddeen.
I went through the same thing only a year ago. Since then, all of that has changed because of a few things that are worth trying. One thing you should try is some new activities (such as school clubs) where you can meet new people and do something that you're interested in. Another thing is to keep your heart open, be good to the people around you and don't try to force yourself into having a crush or a boyfriend just because other people have one. The most important thing is to be patient, there is a person out there for everyone, but sometimes it just takes a while to find them. And remember that you're not alone, and that you don't need to change who you are in any way.
I wish I had known all these things a year ago, and I hope that this helps you.
- Liz, USA.
Many people can relate to your story – myself included. I totally get where you’re coming from. But please know this: you will find someone who is right for you, when the time is right for you both. If I have learned anything from my own experiences when it comes to this, it’s that you cannot force it, rush it and most importantly, you cannot give up or start doubting yourself. Who knows? Maybe you’ll meet THE guy tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow… Also, I applaud you for having enough courage to write about this and share your story. You inspired me today, and I’m sure you inspired many others as well. So, thank you for that. And good luck! Best wishes, Medina.
Think about all the things that you would like in a relationship and a partner, and push it to the back of your mind (but don't forget it). I think that your more likely to find someone if you don't go looking for that special someone. Involve yourself with activities or projects that allow you to meet new people. You can hopefully get to know more people, and make new friends. If you become close to someone and you both feel the same way, talk about what you both would like in a relationship to find out what your both looking for. Don't go with someone who doesn't respect your morals or excepts you to change yourself completely for them. On the other hand, make sure that you respect their morals too and that they are not changing everything about themselves for you (as it won't work out for very long). If it works out then great, but if it doesn't then don't be scarred by this. Take some time and try again when your ready. If your boyfriend cares about you, then he shouldn't mind that he's your first. You may even be his first girlfriend. It's alright to be scared. It's natural. We don't know the total effects of our decisions until they have been made, and that's fine because in life you don't know what your future will definitely be. Good Luck - Lexi.
You're young and you still have time to organize your priorities. Remember, having a partner is not a joke (although modern society behaves like it is, thus including movies, books, TV shows etc.). Listen to your inner voice and widen your horizons. Think about why we look for partners, why we feel pleasant when we're in love. Think about responsibility towards the one you've chosen, yourself and society. Also, think about consequences of impulsive adolescent relationships, about bonding and suffering, about childish ignorance, about lack of experience and strength to deal with another person and relationship problems. Create your own world, not your peers' world. Collect as much experience and knowledge as possible to be prepared for your future. Otherwise, you'll see only problems, not solutions and many people will hurt you eventually. There are so many subjects in this world you could deal with. Don't stop on having a boyfriend. Your life doesn't depend on it and don't let your mind trouble you with it.
And you don't have to worry for not having an intimate contact with a boy. When you find someone in your life who will truly care for you and vice versa (in the near future perhaps), it won't matter. Because sometimes we're looking for meaning in things that have no meaning. Giselle.
As soon as I read about the situation you're in I felt the need to reply you. I want to tell you that you're not alone. I am almost 17, in the exact same situation and I can completely relate to you. Nobody knows how I feel and I keep bottling it up. I'm not sure how to advise you when we're in the same situation, but I know patience is a virtue. Be patient and keep hoping, that boy could come knocking on your door one of these days. Sometimes I feel like I have this huge amount of love inside of me but no one to give it to. Then I look around and see my family and friends who are always there for me. Thinking about the support they give me in every aspect of my life helps a lot, so try to change your point of view. Direct your love towards something you enjoy doing and wait. I know what it's like listening to touching love songs and remaining numb, but think of it this way: that future boyfriend of yours does exist, and he is somewhere right now searching for the right girl. I think when you find your true love, and a great friend above all, you'll know that the wait paid off. Remember that you're young and that you've got your whole life ahead of you so enjoy as much as you can and good things will come.
Best wishes, Mirjana.
Though I'm only 15, I know EXACTLY how you are feeling, and I know quite a few of my friends that are in the same situation. So, in short, you are NOT alone in thinking this... actually, I even know some boys in the same situation. I think almost everyone has faced the same issue at some point or another. My advice to you be telling you that you are still very young, and just because a bunch of girls around you have boyfriends, it doesn't mean you have to have one as well. Always remember that the only thing worse than not having a boyfriend, is dating someone just because it seems like everyone else is in a relationship. I'm sure you've only met a small fraction of the number of people you will come in contact with in your lifetime, so don't worry! :) You have a LOT of life ahead of you to worry about finding a boy, but in the meantime, enjoy still being a kid! Live, laugh, smile, and most of all, have fun!
I don't think it's bad that you haven't had a boyfriend yet. Seventeen is very young. Also, being choosy is good, because a lot of teenage boys haven't grown up yet, really. I know it's hard when it feels like everyone else has boyfriends, but I want you to know that it doesn't make you any less valuable or worthy of love just because you don't have one. You're good enough just how you are. Talk to boys some more, but seek to get to know them, not flirt with them. The ones who are worth having around as friends (or potentially boyfriends) will treat you the same way, as a friend and as someone they respect. You will find someone! Don't be discouraged. One of my friends was nineteen when she had her first boyfriend (and first kiss). Six years on and they're happily married. So don't worry if you feel like you're behind the curve. Besides, your first boyfriend will feel very lucky that you waited for him instead of settling. You will have so much more to offer him than girls with broken hearts and baggage and trust issues. My point is, it's ok to be choosy. Not everyone is meant to play the field and date a bunch of people. Just look for a guy with a good heart. Amber.
Finding a boyfriend or girlfriend isn't a race. Telling someone how you feel and starting your first relationship can be a little stressful, so take your time. Gather up your courage and talk to some boys you like, and get a feel for how they interact with you. When you find one you really like, you will get a feeling in your gut that will tell you what to do next. Don't worry about kissing, that will come naturally. Last but not least, always be yourself. I'm sure you will find a great guy to be your boyfriend! Best of luck, Blake.
Relax! Coming from a fellow young person, you don't need to rush into these things. For me, 17 was a weird age, too. I'm a big hopeless romantic, so I longed to be in a relationship, despite having never been in one. You see, you have your whole life ahead of you, and that's a long time. You're going to find the right guy, and you're coming to a period in your life where love is really going to flourish. You aren't alone in this problem, either. I often feel the same way. Honestly, the only thing I want in life is to find the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, and it's hard to wait, but we've got to be strong in this situation. You see, and yes I'm speaking from experience, when you meet the person that's right for you, you'll know it. And there isn't a better feeling in the world.
Best wishes, Bradley H.
Thanks to all those who wrote in with their replies. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's question, and send us your answer.