June 22, 2012 - submitted by Bec, United Kingdom

Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #76
A few weeks ago I went to a new restaurant near to my house with a few friends. We had a great night and one of the waiters was talking to us. He seems like a really nice guy. Now I'm finding myself going back on a regular basis because I want to see him. I'm 18 but I think he is about 28 to 30 ish.
I'm really not the sort of person that could just tell him about it either, what shall I do ? Help !?


The Oracle replies:

Blimey Bec, you better sort this out soon or the financial impact could be disastrous!
Let me put it another way, I don't think that going there regularly for dinner is going to help you much.
I once made the mistake of thinking that banter at my local pub meant more and was humiliated when I asked them out on a date only to discover they weren't single.
Remember, part of a waiter's job is to be friendly, polite and nice to the customers. Not only is he employed to make your experience a happy one he's hoping for good tips!
He may think it inappropriate to chat a girl up at work so if you think he may like you, you could be right but bear his position in mind.
I'd say that maybe you should just be brave and start by finding out whether he's single. Either ask a question about nights off or comment on 'how hard it must be on your partner working all hours'.
If he is available, you could always hand him a note as you're paying the bill or get a friend to help. Whichever route you go for I'm sure he'll be flattered and either let you down gently or take a chance. If you never try you'll never know.
For the sake of your bank balance, do something soon.
Over to you.

I would say that there is nothing wrong with wanting to explore the opportunity however be wise. He is a lot older then you are, which isn't a the worst thing in the world, however it is something to take into account. He is probably in a different place than you are and maybe looking for something different than what you are looking for. Also, keep a tight reign on your emotions. It is easy for emotions to cloud reason. Be aware that it most likely won't turn into anything but you never know. If by chance it begins to turn into something I suggest taking a friend with you sometime to help and see if he is a man of character and a man who is good for you. I wish you well. Joseph S.

Well Bec. U.K., does it seem like to you that this waiter fancies you as well? When you come to the restaurant, does he assist you or notice you? You're absolutely not crazy! You're 18 and you're just seeking for a proper mate-whether he be a permanent one or a temporary one. There's nothing wrong with you going to the restaurant and seeing him, but you've got to see for yourself if he's interested in you. If you think he is, then ask him to go out with you or just to hang out with you; there's no harm done in asking him. You're young. Enjoy life to the fullest! A.L.

I think you should go for it. Life is too short to wonder what if. I do agree that there's a chance he might not be single or that he might be hesitant because of the age difference, but as the song goes "if you never try you'll never know..." So go on and ask for his number, don't be shy! If he says "oh, I have a girlfriend," or whatever just go like "Oh, that's a shame" or "your loss" be jokey about it and I promise it won't be awkward. Also, I suggest you do it while your friends are around, it might help you be more comfortable.
Good luck! Take care, Randa.


Bec, I'd suggest thinking about whether he see's you as an age or as a person. The sad truth is that he might simply be interested in you because you are a lot younger than him and he may try to take advantage of that. You might want to consider why he's not interested in people within his own age group. My advice is steer clear, you and him may have massive differences due to your ages and he might just be trying to take advantage of you. Oli.

Before you do anything, remember that his charm is part of the job! He is supposed to smile and engage with customers and make them feel welcome. His allure is working on you, and you are returning to the restaurant with money in hand. I say this because he is like this with everyone in the restaurant, so don't feel like he's singling you out. That being said, have you or a friend find out if he's seeing someone. If he is in a relationship, don't pursue him. You said you aren't the kind of person to tell him how you feel, so before you leave the restaurant leave him a note for him to pick up, or have a friend tell him how you feel. Take it slow, and after a few more visits, you will have a better picture of where things will go. Best of luck! Blake.

Just came across your question, and that's really funny because the exact same thing is happening to me. I live in a brand new town and always seem to go to that same bar because of this waiter that I don't know how to approach.
I'd say go for it so you can find out if there is something there or if you'll just have to move on, but I know it's easier said than done. I'm shy and not self-confident so maybe we could help each other. I'll go talk to my crush if you go talk to yours, what do you think? Good luck! Magy, FRANCE.

Honey the World is Wide Open. Take your time. Watch how He Interacts with Other Girls, BEFORE You Event Approach Him. Coleen.

You don't have to just come out and say you like him or anything. Maybe just ask him to join you for a coffee? I'm a bit shy too, and I think friends can help sometimes, maybe you could ask him to hang out with some friends at first and then it would be easier to talk to him more personally. Hope it works out for you. Love, Darem.

People that are required to act nicely for their work, for example the waiter may not be acting like they do normally. I would say go into the situation with some scepticism that he actually is a nice guy. Don't be mean about it though. Also if you don't have the nerve to say anything maybe it is best kept as a nice crush. However if you can try I suggest breaking out of your comfort zone and take a risk. You may get an answer you do not like but every success has many failures before it. Christian.

If you're not the type of person to tell him face to face then what I would recommend is when you leave your tip write your number on the back of the receipt and as you're walking out tell him "There's your tip plus something extra for you" smile and exit. He should then find your number on the receipt beneath your actual tip. Talk about tipping your waiter well. Good luck! Tam.

Well ,this could be thought as one of those forbidden love type of thing. I'm not saying you can't be friends with the guy, and I'm not against wide age ranged marriages, but there's a reason love is an ocean. As for this situation, if you want to be friends with the guy, feel free. Talk to him, let him know that he's cool. But if you feel that you only want to be with him in a relationship, you might want to put some serious thought in what to do next. Either way, you need to talk to this guy, let him know that you guys could at least be friends. Be more open with him, and see if he's more open with you. I know that it takes a lot of courage to talk to the guy, and your probably thinking of how to talk to him, so try this; ask him the questions at first, like how he's been, or what he's up to. Make him do the talking, and when you're more comfortable with it, let him get to know you. But I would still recommend going fishing in other places in the sea first. Hope it goes well, and good luck fishing, your friend, J.

A new romance or even the possibility of one can be very intriguing. If it were me I would continue to visit the restaurant. Maybe you could somehow leave your email or text # on the bill or a napkin?? Or get a friend to tell him how you feel. Maybe you could arrange to have a coffee, no pressure attached, find out more and then you may get to know if you want to pursue it further.
Just be careful, don't give out lots of personal details too soon, that can end badly. Best of luck, have fun but be careful! Laurie.

At 18, you have many, many attractions of varying degrees lying ahead. For it to have potential, be it casual or exclusive, both of you need to share in the attraction. The waiter may be nice because it's part of his job, he may just be nice all the time, or he may be nice cause he digs you! These are by no means mutually exclusive. The age difference seems significant depending on where you both are in life's trajectory. I'm not saying there's no potential here. Who knows where it will lead? If you're interested, ask around, or save yourself the time and ask him directly. Bec, what do you have to lose? If you don't ask, you'll never know, right? Best of luck, Aimee.

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