June 1, 2012 - submitted by Rose, Netherlands
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #73
Last year I met a guy at school. He's nice to talk to and has a great sense of humor. Thing is that he has a girlfriend. I started to like him and I have no idea why, but he was feeling the same towards me.
After a couple of months spent to just get to know each other he kissed me and from that moment we were really close. A couple months ago I told him that I couldn't do this, because he is not leaving his girlfriend for me, which I understand. They have a history and he only knew me for 2 months. But after that I gave in again and we were having a good time.
But what now? Apparently he really likes me. I know because he told me, and we're always pretty honest to each other. I never lied or held something back for him, which is pretty special. But on the other hand am I still not good enough to leave his girlfriend. Don't get me wrong. He hates this situation as well, and he is a very nice guy.
I actually think I love him but I would never tell him. At least not when he's still in a relationship with her. I know that I should be the smart girl and stop it. I tried. Really. I love him and because he is being so sweet to me I am having a very hard time just trying to stop it.
Please tell me what I should do, because I don't think this situation should stay.
The Oracle replies:
You say he's a nice guy but he's cheating on his girlfriend - that doesn't sound like a nice guy to me!
Ok,... so maybe he is nice but he's not being so in this situation.
I'm not saying he doesn't like you but if he liked you enough, he'd leave his girlfriend. His behaviour is selfish. We're human and can fall into these situations easily but you stopped it and then it started again.
Try to imagine how you would feel if you were his girlfriend and found out that this was going on behind your back. It's not a nice feeling is it?
As it's been going on a while now so he's had plenty of time to decide.
So what if they have history? That doesn't mean they are joined at the hip for life. People can fall for someone else at any time and yes, people cheat but you have a choice. You're single so it is down to you to say "no". You deserve better.
At the moment there's no real threat or reason for him to pick one of you over the other. He's with her but as he's got you both he's not likely to leave her.
Tell him that you don't want anything to do with him while he's in a relationship. Don't give him an ultimatum, just tell him you are not prepared to be a part of the mess he is making.
I'm sorry but I don't think he's being sweet; I think he's using you. IF he's that sweet, let's see him do the decent thing and stop cheating and decide which of you he wants to be with.
Be strong. If it's meant to be, it will be.
Over to you.
Well I agree with your last statement... you know it has to end. Clearly he is not willing to commit to you exclusively, if you are ok with that stay with it, but consider this: he is cheating on his girlfriend with you. If he did commit to you how do you know he won't do the same to you.
If he is as nice as you say, he would likely be moved to make a change if you broke it off and at the least he would gain a whole new respect for you. You need to respect yourself and ask yourself what you want from a relationship honestly, and if half-measures are not what you want, then you need and deserve more. I hope you find it. Laurie.
You know the answer to your dilemma; you just don't like it. I am not sure why you "understand" that he won't split from his long-time girlfriend. He doesn't have a marriage contract, and there aren't children involved. You and he have been together long enough for him to know how he feels about you. If he won't leave his girlfriend, you have to leave him. Don't get me wrong, he loves this situation as much as he hates it. He is going out with two women he loves - perfect- except now he has to choose.
But who knows? He might just surprise you if you really stand your ground and insist that if you two are to have a romantic relationship, he must see you exclusively.
Best of luck. Lisa.
I think you should end it. Try to put yourself in his girlfriend's shoes, I don't think you'd like it much. He might seem like a nice guy to you now, but the fact that he's deceiving this other girl should give you a clue of what he's really like. If he's capable of cheating on her, he's capable of cheating on you.
You gave him a chance to break up with her, and he never did, which means he isn't taking you seriously because he's had enough time to decide on committing to your relationship. He might be really sweet to you now, but to be honest, most guys are when they're trying to manipulate you. Think about the kind of relationship you want to have, and the kind he's offered you. Hope it works out for you. Love, Darem.
The best thing to do in this situation is to write him a letter (or tell him) in which you clearly express your love without any kind of pressure. If your feelings are strong, waiting on the end of his relationship to declare your love will make you suffer more and more each day. Happens what happens after but at least you will exactly know what to hold in this situation. You're a smart girl, so be confident. It's a hard situation for both of you so that's why you must grasp the nettle. Maybe he expects a sign of you to declare his love too. I wish you the best. Corinne.
Believe it or not I've been in a very similar situation a couple of years back and at a certain point of time I was so sure that I’d met "the love of my life". It's not easy when they give you attention because it will constantly give you hope that there is something there. However, your doubts are sensible; why hasn't he left his girlfriend if he really does like you that much? I think you've given him enough time to make a decision. What he’s doing is neither fair to you nor to the girl he is currently with.
Remember that he is basically cheating on his girlfriend, so if he does end up choosing you over her, would you ever trust that he won’t do the same to you with some other girl?
I don't think you should stay in this situation at all, why should you? You will find someone who will love and cherish you so much that he wouldn’t even think twice if he had to choose between you and another girl. You deserve better than this.
Wish you the best, Randa.
No matter what you feel for each other, this whole situation is not fair to either of you (and especially not to the other girl he's seeing). He needs to break it off with her now, or you need to really break it off with him. I know that it's hard to let someone go who means so much to you, but for right now, that's the best thing you can do for yourself, for him and for the whole situation.
You are good enough - that's definitely not the issue here. The issue seems to be that he isn't sure of what he wants, and you need to let him figure that out on his own. Good luck! Medina.
As I read your story, I could see the many, many problems you could have if you don't take care of this problem quickly and carefully, so please be ready to do what you need to. The man should not have put you in a situation like this; he should be focused on whom he believes is most important in his life. But, I'm sorry to say, you had a bit of a hand making this mess, not the entire things, not even close! Be sure to make this a learning experience for you to look back at.
As for the advice, realize that somebody, no matter what you do, WILL get hurt. And it IS going to "hurt like heaven". You have to sit this guy down, and ask him to make a choice, because the double relationship is only going to cause a whole lot of suffering. And be aware, whatever his decision is, that's his to make, and you'll have to accept it.
Try to be careful about consequences in the future, and I hope he makes the right decision. Good luck, and here's hoping, J.
This guy may be really nice, but he obviously doesn't feel the same way about this situation as you do. If he really hated the situation too he would do something about it. I know how hard it can be to stop and I understand the power that someone can have over you. I've been in a similar situation before where I'd made up my mind and then gave in a few times. I eventually realized that you should never let anyone make you second best, even yourself.
You deserve to be more than someone hidden away on the side. If he isn't willing to dump his girlfriend for you, and maybe even if he is, move on. Even if he dumps her to be with you would you ever really be certain that he wasn't doing exactly the same thing as he's doing with you now with someone else?
It's hard, but you need to give yourself some space and move on, find someone equally as nice and funny who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. You'll come out the other side feeling a stronger person who knows who they are and what they will and won't put up with.
I wish you all the best; I still remember how hard I found it to break the cycle. I will never regret having done so. Stand firm once, and it’s easier every time. I'll be thinking of you, Bec.
You must have surely learned something really important with this: try to get involved only with single people.
That will save you undesirable pain and complications to deal with.
I'm not saying that dating someone single will not bring them but...
At least it is something less to think about.
I wish relationships weren't that complicated...
Who knows, perhaps in the end, this guy and his girlfriend break up,
and in the future you end up together...
If you like each other so madly, and it is meant to be, it will happen.
Good luck, Caro.
I liked a boy in high school for a year, even though he had a girlfriend. He knew it, too, but we still talked all the time and I just could not give up my friendship with him. It really hurt, knowing that some other girl was worth more to him than I was. It hurt A LOT, and eventually I stopped talking to him because it hurt so badly.
And that guy is great -really. I count myself very lucky to have known him. I'm sure that the guy you like is great, too, or else you would not care for him. But he is not being fair to you or to his current girlfriend. Wonderful people make mistakes all the time. What I'm saying is, you are worth more than that. Don't give your heart, your precious, wonderful heart, to someone whose heart belongs to someone else. You may love him with all your heart but so long as he is with someone else he can never reciprocate your love, not even halfway. And he is not being fair to his girlfriend by not telling her about you. Often when one person falls in love with someone else, their former partner is more angry for not being told about it, not for the falling-in-love-with-someone-else-part. If it were me, I would let him go and encourage him to be honest with her. It will hurt. But I promise somebody is out there who will love you better. Amber.
I was in the same situation just recently. This guy was in a relationship with his girlfriend but liked me at the same time.
He would treat me as his counsel when he was stressed or needed advice, which built a lot of trust in our relationship. However he wouldn't leave his girlfriend as it was obvious that he loved her reason being that he had a history with her, and I'm certain that it was also because he was afraid of trying something new with me.
The point that I'm trying to show across is that despite the feelings, nevertheless the love I had developed for him, to him I had to control my feelings because, if he really felt the same, he wouldn't have been so afraid to start afresh with me.
I also empathised with his girlfriend on the other hand, I'm sure she loves him just as much as he does, hence he does not want to let go of her. I finally concluded consciously (with the feelings for him put aside) that I deserve better. Love should not be morally deficient, breaking other people's relationships apart, but should be for creating a relationship with someone new, free of creating any hurt or spite. Sisipho (from South Africa).
You are so sweet for not giving in that night, and considering the girls feelings, but this is a situation that is not easy I would know, because:
I had to go through this a lot, and my decision was to talk to the girl, in your case boy, what helped me was by talking to her about this and truly see if it just is a phase, or if it's serious, and maybe find out if there was a fight between them that made him feel this way, or if he has truly never met a girl like you. I guess the overall answer is to talk to him, and about how you feel, but do what your heart says. Love Zachary.
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