May 18, 2012 - submitted by Viral, India
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #71
I really need your help. I am in love with my friend who does not love me back in the same manner. I even got her to reveal the fact that she avoids me nowadays because she thinks I like her. For friendship's sake, I told her that I didn't. But I know that she is the one for me and that no one can love her the way I do. I really want her to reciprocate the same feelings for me. What should I do??
The Oracle replies:
This is such a common problem and one I can empathize with. However, she is not and cannot be "the one" for you if she does not feel the same way. That simply does not equate. No matter how much you want her to reciprocate, you can't make her love you if she doesn't. I think most of us at one time or another have felt we are the best person for another and that no-one is as good for them as we are, but as you see, it is not always our choice to make. Therefore it can't be true or they'd see it too and choose us.
You never know in life what the future holds so one day this girl's feelings for you may change. If that possibility is something you want to wait for and put your life on hold for, go ahead but it may be an impossibility you are waiting for. Please don't waste your time. If you value your friendship, take a step back and give her space. You need space too as it must be torture being around someone you're pretending not to care so much for.
I've said this before but why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Find someone deserving of your love who appreciates you for who you are.
I know this all sounds quite dark and depressing but the very good news and light in all of this is I promise you that you will find another "one". You may not find the right girl for you for a while yet but she's out there somewhere. You need to get over this girl first and move on with your life.
Over to you.
This situation could take you a number of places, and could end up either going very well, to very un-well, so remember to be careful in all that you do, say, move, and even think. To begin with, don't ever do anything desperate, confusing, or uncivil in any way, to try to contradict her beliefs. You have to show that you respect her feelings and her choices. Try to rebuild that friend relation you had with her before, but be sure to show her in detail characteristics and features that show how you'd be great in a relationship. Try not to overdue that with extremes, or showing off anything. And please be yourself, because if you try to be the person she would want to marry instead, all you'll get is a life full of misery. And I'm sorry to say, but maybe it can't be fixed, where as you'll have to find a way to move on and try to make the best of it, and begin your search again. As the song goes "Nobody said it was easy"(one of my favorites!). I truly hope it works out for you, and may your love see the real you, and love you for it. Good luck.
Sincerely, your friend, J.
You've already accepted your status as friends, and that is important because it shows you aren't needy and that it's no loss to you. DO NOT beg her to be with you. Girls don't like a needy and insecure guy. Remember, confidence is key! She already enjoys being around you, so you're halfway there! However, being more than friends is a matter of being sexually attracted to one another. You can lift weights, learn piano/guitar, or take up an exciting hobby that will help her become more attracted to you. Girls love it when you play and/or sing for them! Ok, this will sound horrible, but the most important thing you can do is make her jealous, because people want what they can't have. Flirt with other girls and date around as much as possible. When she sees that other girls are dating you, she will realize that SHE is the one missing out! Start flirting with her more, and things will take shape in your favor. Best of luck! Blake.
I think you said it yourself, that she doesn't feel the same way. You shouldn't hurt yourself by trying to force something that she's told you, won't happen. Every time she rejects you, or avoids you, it'll make you feel worse about it. As hard as it may seem, you should try your best to move on. Maybe you shouldn't communicate with her for a while to make it easier on yourself. Have confidence in yourself, and know that there'll always be more people out there to meet and get close to. Don't waste your time chasing after someone who has told, and showed you they're not interested. You, and anyone in the same situation deserves better. Wish you the best. Love, Darm.
I think that what you're going through is something many others have dealt with too, so take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. My advice is try to move on. If she doesn't feel the same way, then she may not be the one for you. Her avoiding you is a sign that it's maybe time to try and move forward with your life. I know that it's easier said than done. But for your own sake, you need to try. I am not saying to cut her out of your life completely or that you should never speak to her again. I am saying; try to stay away from her for a little while to see how you'll feel. You can't force someone to love you, that much I know. If you two are meant to be together, you will end up with each other eventually. If not seeing her is too big of a step to make first, try talking to her, as a friend. Maybe conversation is the key to solving your problems. Whichever way you choose to take, I hope you will remember that if this person doesn't love you in that way, someone else will. Good luck. Sincerely, Medina.
This might sound weird, but think of this situation from your friend's perspective. When I was in high school, one of my best friends was, I guess we can say, in love with me. When I found out, it freaked me out and I became avoidant (just like your friend). My friend realized that I was not at a place where I was ready to be in a relationship, and he knew that in order to care for me, he needed to be my friend for the time being. We worked through the awkward, and he gave me the friendship that I needed. Two and a half years after all of that, we started dating. You see, it took me a while, but I eventually realized that he was the one for me. It takes some people a little longer to realize who is right for them. Now, we have been dating for four years, all because he loved me so much that he worked hard to continue our friendship. I don't know if this will happen for you two, but I know that I needed my friend as a friend at that point in time. If you care about her, be what she needs, be her friend. I know it's hard, but if you continue to push her into a romantic relationship, you will only push her away. Imagine how you would feel if you were in her situation. As time goes on, you two will continue to learn and grow, and who knows what will happen, but all you can do is realize that friendship is the best situation for the time being. Sincerely, Amelia.
I don't want to hurt your feelings, but it isn't always easy to find someone who'll love you back. In fact, unrequited love is a very normal thing. It's always been.
We all experience that some time in our lives. Luckily, time cures it.
Perhaps all you have to do is be patient and let sadness go...
Never give up in your life.
Better times will come.
I know it is a pity, but it is not possible to change anyone's mind to make them love us the same way we do.
So, if possible go along with the friendship and if it pains too much do what is best for you.
Try to focus on other things as much as possible.
Rely on friends and activities.
The best of luck, Caro
The fact you're friends means she obviously likes you, but not in that way. You didn't say whether she believes that you don't like her or not but as I see it you either hang in there and hope she does see you as more of a friend in time (but only if you back off doing whatever it was that made her feel uncomfortable), or move on and stop hanging around with her for a while at least, or talk to her and say that you do actually have feelings for her and try and work out together how you can both stay friends. Sorry I can't be of more help, but when I was in the same situation I didn't make a good job of it. We eventually got together one night and then he never spoke to me again. I wish we'd stayed friends. Katy.
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