April 20, 2012 - submitted by Christina, United Kingdom
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #67
A few months ago I had a fallout with someone I love. Since then, I've seen this person everyday, and everyday we walk right by each other as if we were strangers. It absolutely kills me. The one thing that we will always have in common is that we are adamant Coldplay fans. How can I reconnect with this person? I truly am desperate. Thanks in advance. Christina.
The Oracle replies:
It's not clear whether the person is a girl or a boy, a friend or someone you dated. I will answer as if it's your best friend because to be honest, my answer wouldn't be much different if it was more than that.
It takes a big person to say sorry. Or if you don't feel you've anything to apologize for, you could still be the first to break the silence; it sounds like you want to. The thing is, friendships do end and sometimes there's no going back. You know the full extent of what happened so you may see better than I whether the damage is irreparable. People can be stubborn at times and if we don't swallow our pride, things can fester. As it's been a few months since you fought, it may be tough but is it worth it? If your friendship is valuable to you then maybe you could just smile and say "hi" the next time you walk by each other. If they blank you, it could be they weren't prepared for it so do the same again the next time. If it still doesn't work, you could always write a letter or maybe make a silly video and say what you like. Or perhaps send your favourite Coldplay song with a short note. You may have to face that they may not want to reconcile but if you don't do anything, you won't know either way.
One thing though, if your bond is the band, look into what the rest of the friendship was about as it might be simply time to let it go. Over to you.
Before you reconnect with this person make a question: Are you sure
you love him? And then seeing that you're a fan of Coldplay... you may
find tickets for a concert, even if it is a bit difficult. Or you could invite him to dinner, listening to their CDs. Hope that was helpful. Silvia.
I'm willing to bet that you aren't alone with these feelings. If you've been walking by each other for a couple of months, then they are probably feeling the same way you do. From what I'm getting, it sounds like you two are just waiting for someone to say something, and if you don't initiate this, then who knows how long this will get drawn out?
A simple "Hey, how have you been?" will suffice. Make it clear that you miss being around them, and the times you spent together before.
If you two hit it off, in this conversation, then before you know it, you'll be back to the way things were, but if their "wounds" haven't fully healed, then it may take some time, but as long as you make it clear that you miss them, things between you two should begin returning to normal.
Also, don't be afraid to apologize, if need be, even if you feel that you don't need to, having your friend back would be much more worth it.
Best wishes, Bradley H.
I suggest reaching out to the person, in a simple way. I don't know what happened or whose fault the fallout was, but if you really want to get the person back, I think you should reach out and just try to start over. You're both Coldplay fans? Perfect! Just say hi and bring up something about one of the band's more recent music videos or a song that you've been listening to a lot lately... any little thing works! Maybe this person misses you as well, but is just afraid to take the first step. So you bringing up a mutual interest and reaching out again could save whatever sort of relationship you had/have. There is no harm in trying. I'd like to quote a truly beautiful Coldplay song (with a sentence that happens to be my life-motto); "If you never try, you'll never know". That couldn't be more true. When you make an effort, you have done what you can. If this person doesn't do or say anything in return, then I think you should attempt to let go. Trust me, whatever happens you'll know you tried and will therefore feel no regret. Good luck. Medina.
Christina, I would need some background in order to provide you a proper advice, but I'll try to judge the situation as you presented it. On one hand, however disappointing it can sound, sometimes there's nothing to do when a relationship doesn't work anymore. Sometimes no matter how much things in common you had in the past, friendships and relationships can fall apart. I'm not saying you can't get it back. I think you should analyze the situation.
I don't know if it was a little fight or a really heavy argument the one you had. In the first case, I think you should both try to ease you arrogance and give way to a reconciliation.
In the second case, if you think it's irreversible, the best thing would be to end things in good terms. I mean, try to talk things out so at least you can wave your hand when seeing each other, or exchange some words without feeling uncomfortable.
People come and go in our lives... only a few stay with us forever.
The precious moments you shared will never go away. That's what I'm learning from my own experience, and what I see from others.
So, I wish you the best, wish you can reconnect with this person.
But if you really see you missed the sparks along the way, don't go desperate.
Try to sort it out, especially your feelings and soul. Love, Caro.
Sorry to hear that you & your loved one are strangers to one another. Surely, there must be a way to mend your broken heart. If you're certain that the future holds something bright for the two of you, try to make amends & you'll at least feel better that you made the effort. Chances are, your friend wants to reconnect with you as well.
If it's too difficult to break the ice by directly speaking to him, write a letter instead. It'll give you the opportunity to express what you want to without feeling anxious about talking to him. You could slip the note in his pocket the next time you pass by each other. Or, what with you being adamant Coldplay fans, you could drop off a box of strawberries to his home or workplace, or give him a bouquet of balloons the same colours as the ones in the Christmas Lights video. Or, something from whatever is his favourite song that would show your affection for him. Best of luck to you, Dizzy bells.
It's always hard when you're dying to reach out to someone. A situation like this can easily become awkward so you should take baby steps. Just saying "hi" next time you walk by, or waving, or even smiling can be a good start. As you are both Coldplay fans, you could eventually just strike up a conversation about them. I don't think that would be too difficult considering the boys have just started touring and are going to be everywhere. However, I would be cautious about expectations. You say you love them, which you may, but it might just be that you miss their company and those are two very different things. Although you don't mention exactly why you stopped talking to this person, I'm sure there's a reason, so I'd just really think about my feelings towards them before reconnecting with them. Wish you the best. Love, Darm.
I think you just need to talk to this person no matter how afraid of doing that you are. Life's too short to not even try. You won't be any worse off than you are now even if they choose not to talk to you back. You never know, they may be feeling the same way? Faye.
Thanks to everyone once again. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's question, and send us your answer.