January 20, 2012 - submitted by Jorge, Ecuador
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #55
I have a problem. I'm in love with my best friend's sister. My friends told me that it will be better if tell him the truth that something was going between us, when I did he say he was fine but after while he start stopping inviting me to his house (like 3 times a week) and stop talking to me so did other friends of my that were close to him. So I decide it was not worth losing my friends for even though that I have not felt so in love with anyone else.
Did I make the right choice? What should I do if I still love her? Jorge, Ecuador.
The Oracle replies:
This may be controversial but yes, I think you did make the right decision - for now at least. Love during our youth can come and go but good friends can be harder to find. Although I think your friend would come round to the idea in time, I think right now you have shown him how much his friendship means to you. From here, you can take some time and see whether your feelings for his sister develop and grow or lessen. It will be very hard seeing her of course and if you find in a few weeks or months that you can't bear to be apart from her, you could talk to your friend again and explain how you tried out of respect for him and your friendship but still have very strong feelings. Hopefully the second time around he may be more understanding and supportive. The only thing I will say is please try NOT to let anything happen with his sister behind his back as you could not only cause trouble between you and he, you and she but their family unit too. I really hope it works out for you Jorge. Over to you.
First, I do not think that the way your friends treated you was very nice, but this I know, friends are forever. I still have my girl friends from Junior High and High School and am not friends with some of my ex boyfriends and that's a pity. I know that it hurts because you are in love with this girl, but here is a question, Did you see a future with this girl? I don't know how old you are but If you two are meant to be together, you will get back together at some point. That's how this love thing works. Love finds a way. Take care, Christa.
You need to talk to your friend, soon. While there is nothing wrong with you dating his sister, he is naturally going to be uncomfortable with the thought of you and his sister in a relationship, and if you don't talk to him, a rift might grow in between your friendship. I would tell him that you don't want to lose a friendship, because of your relationship, but you need to respect his boundaries, and understand the position he is, and then just see if that helps with the problem. Best wishes, Bradley H.
Jorge, I think you know what you have to do, you just don't want to do it - you have to talk to your friend. Explain to him how you feel about this girl, and if he knows how much of a good person you are, he'll understand how genuine you are about being with her. And how about breaking up with this girl, did you want to? Because, at the end of the day, this is your life and emotions here, it shouldn't be dictated by other people. This friend of yours may not be able to see the advantages or positives of this situation, and he won't be able to until you talk to him. If you feel uncomfortable, he'll feel uncomfortable.
Alike your situation, I've been in a relationship with my cousin's best friend for a while now. My cousin is the closest I have to an older brother or sister, so he's pretty protective. Although he saw me and his best friend getting together as a good thing, as he knew that I wasn't dating an idiot. So explain that to your friend. Also, if you found out that the person you loved and who loved you back dumped you because your brother couldn't handle the 'weirdness' of the situation, would you not be hurt? You have to think of this girl as well. Cathy.
His ex friends should be appreciate him because he tell the true and I think they are not real friends because is not a big deal. I hope he follow his feelings and tell to the girl fearless he love her no matter what others say or do. Astrid.
Jorge, I think you need to really think about what attracts you to your best friend's sister. Is it superficial like her looks and body? If it is, then the relationship probably won't last and you would lose your best friend also. If you are attracted to her personality, heart, sense of humor, energy, the way she makes you feel when you are with her, then there probably is a chemistry that can become a serious relationship. Your friend's sister probably has some of the same qualities that he has that makes you best friends. If you come to the conclusion that what you love about her is more than superficial, then I'd try talking to your best friend again and find out what his concerns are about you dating his sister. He may think that you are using her and he doesn't want to see his sister hurt. Let him know that your feelings are different than in your past relationships (most guys brag and exaggerate about their dates or conquests). Let him know that you respect his feelings and concerns and that you will try your best not to break his trust. Convey to him the things you love about his sister, so he knows it is not just friends with benefits. It maybe worth reminding him that you will treat her with respect and the other guys she dates might not, is he more comfortable with that? Dawn.
Jorge I have a feeling that even if you do give up on your friend's sister, they still won't talk to you. If they were your real friends then they shouldn't have a problem with you. I mean, you didn't do anything wrong so I don't see why they're acting like this. For now I would stay away from her and your friends. Give it time, if they don't come around, remember that there's more women out there. Billy N.
To tell the truth, love stinks. Now, let me elaborate on that. Love stinks, but if it didn't would it really be gratifying when you did fall in love? If love were made to be easy, would there be so many songs and poems and ideas out there about rejection? Look at Coldplay, at least half of their songs are about love and being rejected. I truly empathize with your situation. The truth of the matter is, (forgive me if I sound cliche) if they are truly your friends, they wouldn't care if you were in love with his sister, and if he truly is your friend, he'll let you go for it. Love will find a way. If you still love her, just remember, love comes unexpectedly, and it does not bend to a man's will. I know it's difficult, but remember, Everything's not lost. To cope with the loss, I (and this is what I did) would take up a hobby, learn to play the piano, maybe sing or paint, also I found that reading Shakespeare's works on love greatly helped through denial. I promise you, from one shunned lover to another, things will get better. I'll end on a hopeful note:
"The course of true love never did run smooth,
but love sees not with the eyes but with the mind,
therefore is winged cupid painted blind,
and though the adversities be,
love remains, boundless as sea". (William Shakespeare). Liam.
In my opinion I don't think you have made the right decision. If your best friend said he was fine with you being in love with his sister, he shouldn't have to turn a cold shoulder to you afterwards. It is not your fault that you are in love with her and it is not really up to him to decide how you or she feels, even though she is his sister! As your best friend, he should honestly realise that your happiness lies with his sister and he should be happy for you! You can't do any harm, can you? If he said 'it's okay' then he shouldn't need to ignore you after giving his word; and nor should your other close friends. I say you go ahead and ask his sister out and not really care what your best friend thinks because, if he really is your best friend, he should accept your feelings and be happy for you. Tanya, London.
While I am definitely not an expert on the subject of love, I know there is little anyone can do about "who" they fall in love with. Your situation is a difficult one with which I can identify. The one thing I think you need to remember is although you have friends who are distancing themselves from you at the moment... most times, it's through your friends that you meet that one special person. Jorge, you let her know how you feel. I hope everything comes out okay for you. Good luck! Launie.
Jorge, I don't intend to be rude towards your ex-friends by saying this but: YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Is there anything wrong about being in love with someone? Is there any reason why shouldn't date your friend's sister? I'm sure you weren't expecting a kind of rejecting attitude towards you. You're not harming her, love is a mutual thing. Love can be both pleasure and happiness or sadness and jealousy, but at some point I believe you two enjoy spending time together. On the other hand, friends are truly important... but unfortunately I don't think your friends acted the right way. Unless they change their minds and let you be free I don't believe you should go back to them. They're being selfish with their thoughts. Either if you really like this girl or not, you gotta follow your feelings if it really doesn't hurt anyone. Carolina.
Jorge, I want to start off by saying that true friends shouldn't force you to choose between your friends and your girlfriend. I understand it may feel like a very complicated relationship to you as family and friends can often interfere with relationships. However, in reality it should only be about the two of you, and how you feel about each other. You said yourself that your relationship wasn't worth losing friends, which I might add weren't acting like very good friends at the time, and if you don't value the relationship I would just be honest and not waste her time or yours. If you really do love her, I would say that you did make a mistake by letting her go. If you feel you were pressured in to making the choice you made, I think you owe it to her, and to yourself, to be honest and follow your heart. Love, Darem.
It seems like you were, and still are, torn between your friends and someone who may or may not be the love of your life. Love is a very strong and powerful thing, and if you think that what you feel for her is real, then maybe risking your friendship is worth it. Not to say that friends aren't important - because they absolutely are. However, if these persons were your true friends, wouldn't they have supported you?
I completely understand you for letting her go because you didn't want to lose and hurt your friends. But it seems to me that now you’re kind of hurting yourself instead, and I'd hate for you to lose yourself too. I think you should take some time to really think about her, your friends and if what you feel for her is true love. If it is and if she feels the same way, ask for your friends' support. Make them see how important this is to you. If you realise that it is not true love... well, then there's someone better out there for you. Whatever choice you make, I wish you luck! Sincerely, Medina.
You do not mention whether your best friend's sister is in love with you too. I think this is most important in deciding which way to go with this. If she loves you as much as you say you love her, then you have the answer to your problem. As a loving couple it would be fair to discuss your feelings with her brother and I'm sure he would give both of you his blessing when he understands how important you are to each other. The same goes for his and your friends, as if they are true friends then an explanation of your love and relationship will enable them to accept you as a couple and remain close friends. Best wishes and good luck. Kind Regards Jonathan.
Thanks to all who sent in their replies. If you'd like to take part in this week's Team Oracle, click to read this week's question, and send us your answer.