November 18, 2011 - submitted by Jack, United Kingdom
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION - #47
I am in need of some relationship advice. Me and my girlfriend have been having a few troubles. She has informed me she feels guarded from me after having an argument in a nightclub. This feeling did not resolve after a week and she broke up with me. She is still living in our flat and is moving out at the weekend. Last night I tried to rekindle our love by making a romantic gesture, by shouting my love mixed with lines of Romeo and Juliet up to her on a balcony. This is uncharacteristic of me so I thought it would mean a lot. She informed me it wasn't enough. That the only thing that might of worked was a marriage proposal. This is where it turns ugly, then during the conversation after what she had just said I ask her to marry me. She is like I don't believe you, you're insincere. Now we are stuck because I love her and I would marry her because it means so much to her and I only want to spend my life with her. It is the case now that, how can I buy a ring and ask her because it only seems I'm doing it as a last desperate plea to stop her leaving. It is a 3 year relationship but we are quite young I'm 23 and she is 21. I'm sure she still loves me because if not why would she want a proposal to try and save it in the first place. Jack.
The Oracle replies:
Oh Jack, you've caught me in one of my brutally honest moods. How very dare she! The thing that got to me with this dilemma was the Romeo & Juliet part. I'm sat here thinking 'aw, that's pretty brave and cool of Jack to step outside of his comfort zone to do that for her" and yet your missus didn't appreciate it at all?
It sounds to me as if your girlfriend is pushing your buttons as they say. After 3 years she shouldn't feel the need to test you in this way. Granted the timing of your first proposal wasn't great but that doesn't mean you didn't mean it. I'd say wait though, there's no rush is there? You don't need to get married just because you love each other. Sort out these issues first to make sure it's what you really want and it's not just because she has insisted. By the way, not all but some girls would want a proposal for other reasons believe it or not; attention, insecurities, the fact you've been together a long time, other people are doing it and the list goes on. Planning a wedding would distract her too so it's imperative you work through any problems in this relationship before you make such a huge life commitment. If she'd leave without a ring on her finger, she can't be that sincere about her feelings. Giving you the marriage ultimatum was unfair, you shouldn't feel forced into anything. Talk to your girlfriend and tell her what you told me, that you love her but feel now it would seem an empty gesture so you'd like to propose when you're both back on track. Wouldn't you like to decide when, why and how to do it? It needs to mean so much to both of you, not just her. Good luck, Jack. Over to you.
Jack, I understand that you love her so much and you would do anything to keep her with you and to spend the rest of your life with her, but listen, it's not the right thing. A relationship is built around trust and if she doubts your love now then what's gonna happen when you guys are married? I'm not trying to break you and her up, or try to make things worse, but believe me when I say let things cool off. Yes she may still love you, but right now things are heated and you proposing to her with a ring might make things much much worse. Hopefully when the dust settles things will be ok for both you and her. And if things don't turn out right, don't be afraid, you still have a lot of time Jack so don't rush! I hope all goes will Jack! Billy N.
This is a difficult situation, you love her and want to be with her, but she wants to move faster than you. You love her, but aren't ready to marry her. I believe you guys are young, and even though you have been going out for three years, maybe a little time away is what you need. You should think a little about every thing, then talk to her. Explain to her how you feel. She might be ready to take it to the next level, but if you both can't agree with what you want to do, it won't work. If she doesn't want to spend a little more time on the relationship then if you rush into it, it could work out, or you could end up very hurt, or have second thoughts at your wedding, or maybe have issues later in your marriage. You need to want to marry her for the right reasons, not to just keep her happy, what about your happiness? Megan.
You need to seriously slow down, right now your relationship is in a very fragile position, and you proposing to her is only going to make the wounds worse. Don't get me wrong, I know you love her, and I'm sure she loves you too, but you are really pressuring her severely. You really tried to force a cheesy romance personality upon yourself, by reciting Shakespeare and professing undying love. You need to calm down, put marriage further back on the concept of your relationship with her, you two are still very young, probably too young, in her eyes. And most importantly, you need to act yourself, you are really showing signs of desperation and hesitation in the things you have previously done. If you want to save this relationship, before it's too late, you need to talk to her, and when I mean you, I mean the real you, not the Shakespeare you. You need to tell her that you love her, and that you don't want to lose her, but most importantly you need to respect her, take into consideration what she wants, because that is the most important factor here. Best wishes, Bradley H.
She sounds spoiled to me mate. Treat her mean to keep her keen! Well, no, don't. I just mean don't let her tell YOU what to do. Terry.
Jack, relationships are supposed to be about compromise and it just sounds like she's in control of everything. Imagine a lifetime of that! It doesn't bode well for the future really. I wouldn't get married until you have a more balanced relationship where you get to decide some of what goes on. Good luck! Sally.
Walk away Jack. In fact, RUN! She's too controlling and that's not how it should be. Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear but I was with a girl who gave me an ultimatum once and I bent over backwards to give her everything she asked. She still left me because it was never good enough. Save yourself the hassle or stick it out but don't give in to her demands. Steve.
She obviously loves you and you obviously love her but you need to go back to the argument you had and sort that it. Sounds like it was unresolved and I'm not sure you can move on until you sort that out. Hope it works out! Amanda L.
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