October 28, 2011 - submitted by Steven, United States of America

Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION - #44

My girlfriend and I broke up about 3 weeks ago in a mutual agreement because she believed she was not ready for a long term relationship just yet, so we promised to wait for each other. But since we went our different ways we have not spoken to each other and I'm really worried that maybe things won't be the same. What do you think I should do? Thank you in advance. Steven.


The Oracle replies:

I'm sorry to say I don't trust people who selfishly keep their options open while they consider what they want, or rather, who they want. You may not like what I have to say Steven but say it I will.
I am sat here reading your dilemma and the words "mutual agreement" stand out to me as a smoke screen. I'd wager this isn't mutual at all and in fact all you want is to be with her.
Why should you wait? Indeed, why ARE you waiting? I don't think people can necessarily wait for each other. Things probably can't and won't be the same in my opinion. The fact you haven't spoken to each other makes me think she is probably over the relationship but doesn't know how to tell you so has suggested a break. I'm sorry that's harsh but even if I am wrong, you deserve better than to hang around not knowing where you stand. When you love someone, you want to be with them no matter what and if someone says they're not ready for a long term relationship, I'd wager they're just not looking for a relationship at all - not with that person anyway. I mean, why even analyze the potential length of a relationship? How long is a piece of string? A relationship is as long as it is and I don't think you can go into it having previously determined its shelf life. For what it's worth Steven I think you should go out, have fun, forget about this 'agreement' and get on with your life. Do not put it on hold for her. You may meet someone else, you may not, but don't let his girl be the reason. Over to you.

I'm kind of in the same situation as you right now. What I think is that if you really can't wait for her to talk to you again, you should try to start seeing others. Then again, you both made promises to each other, and if you really care about this girl, you probably shouldn't break that promise. 3 weeks, as long is it might seem, might not be enough time to make a decision, since people sometimes need more time than that to think about being in a serious relationship. If you trust her to contact you in due time, and then maybe start off again, slowly, as friends, and develop your relationship, then you should wait, or try to contact her in a few more weeks. If you're too impatient to do that and you want to start looking for other girls, and then she contacts you, you might be pretty embarrassed, if it's only been a few weeks. So I'd say wait a bit more, and it might pay off. Things might not be the exactly the same, but as long as you try not to look back, the relationship will be stronger than ever. Good luck! Jim.

I am sorry to hear about the demise of your relationship. However, throughout the course of your life you will encounter many different types of people. Some you will love, others you will hate and there will be myriad feelings in between. As for the people you encounter, some flow in and out of your life like the the waves of the ocean. Each leaving an indelible imprint upon your heart, mind, and soul. We never know how long or short these visits will be, or why certain people come along and others do not; but we should endeavor to make the most of each relationship. These are the best times to learn about yourself through the eyes of others, to figure out your own path in life, and to begin marching, nay, stomping out the beat of your own particular drum. With regards to your lady, and her time in your life I think that it was supposed to be a short visit. Perhaps neither one of you saw the same things in each other that you needed to see to maintain and develop your relationship. Life is uncanny in its ability to throw curve balls, so you never know what may happen, she could wake up tomorrow and realize that her life is simply not the same without you in it, or she could be thankful for the experience of you, but be ready to move on to new things. Since the two of you are not talking, there is no way to know for sure. All that you can do, since your end seems amicable, is to wish her the best and be along your way. One day, you will wake to find that everything, and everyone who is meant to stay in your life will be there. Good luck Steven, and remember your lady love is out there. She will find you when you least suspect. Cliched, yet undeniably true. Amanda.

Since the relationship has yet to become a long term relationship, maybe it would be in your best interest consider finding someone else, since there isn't a very strong feeling of emotions towards each other just yet. Those feelings should be felt later on in the relationship and not at the beginning, where you should be getting to know each other. On the other hand, since you both promised to wait for each other and your only problem is the fact that things may not be the same, then you may have to adjust to what is different about it. At that point if it is worth it and you feel as though you can still see yourself being with her, I only suggest to go forth with the relationship. I mean, you started liking her for a reason right? If she is no different than the way she was when you two were together, then things will probably fall into place, no matter how different the relationship is. You can't be afraid to try new things, because it may just be worth it in the long run. You have been waiting for this long term relationship with her anyways. Look at the situation both ways, and decide what will make you happy in the end. Best of luck Steven. Jon.

That's kind of difficult to your side, Steven. Your first option would be to look for her or her contacts. Try to find some old friends of her that you know and still are on touch with her. Who knows, she's also feeling the same feeling as you are, but still waits for you. When you had a chance for a hopeful transmission, then you can slowly rebuild a relationship lost.
But, shall you find not her contact, or she personally, then wait and wait. But watch out when another girl come to your world. You wouldn't want your world to be confusing. I'd say listen to your heart. True love never falters, never fades, never dies, but keeps on growing stronger and stronger as time passes by. When you find your promise with her to be stronger than any other woman, then continue on looking for the path your (ex) girlfriend took. Shall the opposite happen, then take what's laid to you by destiny.
Oh, one more thing. Sorry for adding this, but, shall someone confirms you that another guy took your place in her heart, don't let it break your heart. Time will tell you the right one someday. (But I wouldn't like it for you to happen)
Patience is a virtue, remember this. But patience is not a virtue when it is already of no use anymore. Nash.

Sorry to tell you this Steven, but you're right, things will never be "the same". It sounds like she's moving on, and you need to do the same. It also sounds like you may be her back-up plan. If she can't find something (or someone else), she's stringing you along. Just call her Marie Antionette. This may have also been a "nice" way for her to break up with you. Instead of having the courage to say 'hey, sorry, but I don't want to be with you anymore', she said 'I just don't want to be with you right now'. Don't settle for that. You apparently haven't spoken to her (guessing you haven't called/texted/visited/emailed), so just keep that up. Go out with friends, maybe even go out with another girl, and start getting over her. Good luck, Lauren.

Of course things aren't going to be the same. You just broke up with your girlfriend. Any situation like that is going to be awkward.
If you wish to reboot the relationship, work slowly. Emotional scarring from anything like this will typically produce the result you described. Give it some time to heal, and soon you will either be friends or you will be able to renew your relationship.
I once very awkwardly revealed a crush I had on a girl I knew. She turned me down. Though she seemed confident and relaxed about what had happened, we never spoke or even looked at/interacted with each other for months. Now, however, we are on good terms as friends, as if it never happened. If I could achieve something like that, then there is certainly great hope that your relationship with your ex-girlfriend will heal. Regards, Peter.

Act now! If you haven't spoken to each other since the break-up, you need to remedy that, as soon as possible. She might not be ready for a long term relationship, but you two still need to be close to each other. It definitely won't be the same if your friendship falters. It's normal for two people to take time to think about a relationship, so take time, let her get comfortable with the thought of a long term relationship, and think about it, yourself, to make sure you're ready. As long as you two are thinking about it, and you two remain good friends, then transitioning back into a relationship will be a lot easier, and much more likely to prosper.
Best of luck to you two, Bradley H.


While it can be romantic to "wait" for each other, it usually doesn't work out in either party's best interest. You are scared that the relationship won't be the same when it starts back up, but who's to say that it even will? If you haven't voiced your concerns to her already, you should definitely when next you make contact with her. Have either of you made an effort to talk to each other? If you have tried to talk to her but she is ignoring you, then perhaps she doesn't know how she feels, or maybe she has moved on. It seems like you really like her, but you can't let her keep you on a shelf while she goes elsewhere. There are many promising girls who are ready to be in a long-term relationship, and they might just pass you by if you wait too long. Best of luck, Blake.

Try and give her a call, and say you're ringing just to say hi and see how she is. If the conversation seems awkward, try to get her to talk about herself - this should make her feel more comfortable when talking with you, and perhaps if things seem well you could ask her to meet you for a coffee, where you can continue your chat in person. Seeing each other in person is essential. Take it slowly, though - give her time, and just act as her friend for now and seem interested in everything she says and talks about. Just build it up slowly, from having a coffee to going to the cinema. Just keep seeing her and talking to her and she will feel more comfortable. The key to this is being patient. Good luck Steven. Sean

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