August 12, 2011 - submitted by Nicole, United Kingdom
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #36
"Do you think long distance relationships are worth it? I feel like you'd have some advice because as you travel a lot with Coldplay your relationship, if you have one, may become strained at times. I live a few hours away from this person depending on the way of transportation. I do love them dearly, but sometimes it just becomes very difficult to deal with as I don't see them often. I feel as though I'm stuck quite a bit, I want to stay with them as we plan to be together very much in the future, but I'm not sure if all the stress is worth it. What shall I do? Nicole."
The Oracle replies:
I'm not actually in a relationship right now but say I was and I toured with the band (which I don't), I agree it would be very difficult to maintain but you just make it work if it's what you truly want. A lot of this answer will be via illustration of my experiences.
I have been in a long distance relationship (with someone who did tour occasionally) in the past so I can give you an idea of what was involved. I drove 400 miles every Friday after work to see them and back again every Sunday evening. At first it was easy and exciting. It soon became draining and demanding both physically and mentally. I was exhausted. I also noticed that it seemed to be me doing 99% of the travelling. Soon cracks started to appear but if I am being honest, that might not have been the distance, that may have been more likely down to the fact the person I had chosen to be with was an absolut well, they weren't all that nice!
The next distance relationship (yes, folks I did it again!) was 120 miles but I didn't make the same mistakes. We shared travel for the first 9 months and then moved in together. The move involved more sacrifice on my part though and you already know that it didn't work out given my opening sentence.
I would honestly be a little put off if I met someone who lived a great distance from me now but I am a bit of a softie and think love conquers all. If it's worth it, stick with it and give it your best shot. I remember the long phone calls every night and it ate into my social time a lot. There wasn't Skype back then and I'm sure that would have helped but I prefer seeing people in reality not via cams or phone. It's hard to strike the right balance but it can be done. The key is to not let the distance dictate everything in your life. If you accept it as part of the relationship and value the time you spend together as precious rather than negate it. It's already proving to be stressful for you though and while I do completely understand I would suggest you question your true feelings. If you can say on one hand you love them dearly and plan to be together in the future but on the other hand question if it's worth it, I am sorry to say that I would argue that they might not be the person for you or you wouldn't find yourself in such a contradiction.
Over to you.
I just want to say that even being in a similar situation and the way things happened, I would say that it is worth it. Yes times maybe tough, and the stress of missing each other and uncertainty may kick in, but in the end it's worth it. The key to these kinds of relationships is trust, and making do with that you got. Try to make planes to see each other at least 2 times a month, and call each other nightly. I hope that all goes well for you Nicole! Billy N.
I do believe long distance relationships can work. My husband moved 400 miles away eight months after we met and started dating. He got a new job, and I was still in college. This was long before cell phones, internet and Skype, so we had to keep in touch the "old-fashioned" way. We spoke on the phone nightly after the calling rates dropped, we wrote letters sent by actual mail, and saw each other when we could, usually once or twice a month. Other than 3 months when I lived with him over a summer, we maintained a long distance relationship for a year and a half. We were both young, and were able to explore our own interests during the time apart. By the time we were able to be together full-time, we had accomplished what we wanted to do individually. It was hard, but I believe made our relationship stronger, both as individuals and as a couple. Including our time apart, we dated for 3 years before we married. We have now been married for over 22 years. If it's meant to be, it will happen. Good luck! Dianne.
I understand your frustrations. I have been in a long distance relationship for many years we are now happily married. I believe that If it is meant to be it will happen. Faith and Trust are key. Rather use the frustration as an opportunity to learn to become a stronger person emotionally. Clodel.
Long distance relationships are hard. If you truly love him, it will probably be worth it. My parents live four hours apart in a currently volatile country and don't get to see each other often, but they've made it work for 5 years. If your heart isn't into it, you may want to reconsider. You should take some time, even talk to him about it. Or you could open the option of moving closer together, if that is indeed a possibility. Love has no boundaries, so don't give up without seriously weighing your options. I hope everything works out for you! Ayesha, Ohio, USA.
In today's world, modern technology has made it very easy to stay connected with loved ones. If you are doubting your relationship because you don't see your partner as often as you would like, you can video chat by using skype (software app) or by other means. You should also keep in mind that there are several troops deployed overseas who remain happily married to their spouses in their home country. It is not uncommon for such couples to be physically separated for long periods of time. This shows that long distance relationships can indeed work, both parties still very much love. This may not be the case for everyone, and extended periods of absence can also hinder a relationship. It's been said that absence sharpens love while presence strengthens it. Have a go at that idea, mull things over a bit, and see how you feel afterward. Best wishes, Blake.
Long Distance relationships are tough, and I have seen many fail. But there are a select few that make it, and they end up being stronger because of it. When deciding if it's really worth it, think about the future. Do you know that the distance is temporary? Even if it's for years (such as college), the gap will eventually close. Look at the state of your relationship. Are you a committed, trusting couple? A relationship should not go long distance unless it has been given time to mature and both people can communicate without hesitation. A long distance relationship should not feel like it is holding you back from the things you want to do, it should be the thing that makes you both happy. Hope this Helps! Russ.
Liking the person you love makes the loving part so much easier. Do you them? If you don't, the low times are very low indeed and the distance can exacerbate any stress fractures already there. My husband and I met in SF and got serious after I moved away. The distance made our reunions that much nicer. But it's hard to keep that going for long. The build up and let down around the visits can be exhausting. We lasted about six months apart and then moved in together! If you have that connection, you'll both persevere and wait out the separation. I'm concerned about why you are feeling stressed and stuck. You seem ambiguous for someone in love. Is this a trust thing or are you just anxious to see them again? If it's anxiety between visits, maybe you could arrange an in-between location and try to kick up the number of visits. If it's about trust, that's a deeper, more complex can of worms. I hope you are able to talk it out and come up with a happy-for-both-of-you solution. Aimee.
Do I think think long distance relationships are worth it? Absolutely, love is the strongest human emotion we possess. Love can withstand hundreds of thousands of miles, but you'll need confidence. If you feel like it isn't going to work out, and the relationship begins to falter, it's going to be very hard to rejuvenate your relationship. However, don't let that get you down, simple things can keep your relationship alive, from the simple phone-call, text, postcard, anything to keep in touch. And, when you do get to see each other, cherish each moment. You're going realize that these won't occur regularly, and you'll need to power through it, but I'm confident you're going to do just fine. Kind regards, Bradley H.
Everyone is different, and this is very important to consider. In your case, you DO feel comfortable with the relationship itself but the distance is a setback. I can only say that it's perfectly okay to feel like this, and if your lover knows this, then I would take a moment to realise that everything will become much better for you very soon; you have a good vision of the future, and there's plenty of time to make it a reality. Keep positive and happy! By then, the distance relationship should be no more. I am sure that your lover will follow and accept your concerns very easily. If it helps, talk to them about how you feel. Unfortunately, when there's distance involved, there will be less time for you to see your lover every week and it's important to accept this as smoothly as possible to give you the best psychology. If you only end up managing to see your lover for 2 times a week or maybe one, reassure them that you will always love them. Distance is completely different to emotion, and emotion is the only real manipulator for the path of love: if you love each other and accept each other's difficulties, then your vision and future is very bright! Chris.
Thank you all for your replies.
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