July 29, 2011 - submitted by Diane, United Kingdom
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #34
"I have suffered so much heartache in such little time and am really struggling to find any good of anything right now.
Last August my mother died it was a shock even though we knew she was ill. I was slowly coming to terms with her loss but still not healed. We were very close and she was my best friend as well as my mother.
On 25th June, my birthday, myself and my brother were going out to celebrate but on that morning my brother phoned me complaining of chest pain and arm pain and one hour later he suffered a massive heart attack and died. He was only 38 and we were also very close. I always spoke with him about losing our mum and he always knew what to say to ease my pain.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like everybody I love is being taken away from me and I have lost interest in everything. I feel like I will never get over these massive losses. I miss them so much my life will never be the same without them. I try to remember all the good times, but then am consumed by hurt and anger that there will be no more memories of them and I just don't know what to do? Diane."
The Oracle replies:
Diane, I can only offer my sincere sympathies for your heartbreaking situation. I can't offer empathy as I have never experienced anything close. I can only begin to imagine how difficult it is for you to come to terms with your losses and work through the grief. To lose a Mother at any age is devastating but to then lose your brother in the midst of the healing process must have been a massive blow. It is hardly surprising that you are finding it hard to see the good in anything. Although you're right in that there will be no new memories made, you can take comfort in the memories you do have. No one can take those away. Anger is a natural response so don't beat yourself up about any of it. There are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You will probably revisit the first 4 a few times and get stuck in a couple before finally reaching step 5. This is likely to be a long process and I advise you to seek help for guidance through it. You may never totally get over the losses but you will learn to live with them and come to terms with the effects. The massive void will take time to fill and may never be complete but try to to think of how they would want your life to be. They wouldn't want you to avoid people for fear of losing them too, or be steeped in sadness continually. It's still very recent so your feelings will be raw. We can't wave a wand or offer up a miracle. Sadly, there is no quick fix though so please don't rush it. Equally don't push it aside. Give yourself time to cry and process your emotions and feelings. There will come a time that you may have to be a little tougher on yourself to cope with everyday life but take as long as you feel you need. If you take steps to get some bereavement counselling for example or talking about your feelings as often as you can rather than bottling it up, you will almost certainly start to move forward with your life. I wish you lots of love. Over to you.
I'm sure you've heard the saying "There's always light at the end of the tunnel." Well, you cannot reach the light without walking through the darkness. You are going through one of the hardest parts of life right now, and life will seem bleak during this difficult time. You're going to feel as if you should just give up, and it will be a challenge to overcome this feeling, but you must be strong! And remember, you will never be alone no matter how dark the tunnel gets, your mother and brother live on in memories, and these memories will never leave you, and even right now there are people everywhere who care for you, people like the Oracle, people like myself, the person who posted after me, before me, you can see right now that we all have a loving care for you! And regardless of religion, wherever we go when we leave this Earth, your mother and brother are both there together, they're happy, and they are with you always. My heart and prayers go out to you. Bradley H.
I cannot imagine what you are going through right now and I am very sorry for what has happened. I know what it is like to have family members taken away from you. I understand that you are in much pain, but right now it is time to start moving on (today is the first day of the rest of your life). I think that you should find other friends and family to confide in, or maybe even a therapist. I find that they can be a lot of help in times of need. The pain will never go away, but soon it will become bearable. I do encourage you to think of all the great times you have had together, and even though they are not living anymore, they will never leave your side. Franni.
Diane, I am incredibly sorry for your loss. Grief can feel like death and I can only imagine how it feels to lose two loved ones in such a short period of time. I too suffered a great loss last August. The love of my life, my dear husband died suddenly. He was only 31 yrs old and I was 4 months pregnant at the time. Our first child, after 4 yrs of planning. His death is still a mystery. I came home from work and found him cold and blue in the backyard.
I just want to say, that you should reach out for help. Go to a grief couselor and join a group that has ppl who haved suffered a similar loss. Friends and family are good too but no one knows your pain like a person who has gone through it themselves. These things have helped me alot. Don't feel embarrassed about seekin help outside of your family. I wish you well, The pain never truly goes away but u can heal enough to go on living. I'm sure your mom and brother would want you to. Quiana.
I'm really sorry to hear about your losses, both so close, and both family. Don't hide neither your pain nor your anger, it's important to let it out: friends and loved ones. I found that a great way to let things out is to write about them and whenever you feel you can't anymore, go to the mountains and shout! Do not keep it to yourself, and give it days, months, a year. You will never forget them, but both your mother and brother need to pierce their way to the place in your heart they deserve and while they make that hole, it will hurt. When they reach their small part in there, it won't hurt anymore, they will be well installed there forever, and they will accompany you wherever you might go. And they will help you embrace any good things that will follow. I encourage you to go on, slowly and to be brave, no matter what. Regards, Izaskun.
I've been losing people I love since I was three: my father, grandfathers, aunts, uncles and even some friends; so believe me when I say that I know how it feels. I'm now 22, and I had to learn very soon in my life that, you have to keep living your own live, you'll find out that not only you have more people to care about, (I'm not saying that will cover the place but you'll need them anyway) but there is (I'm sure) a lot of people that needs you. And I'm sure, your mother and brother wouldn't like to see you attached to the past. You must not forget them, but you shouldn't be trapped in your memories, there is a lot outside waiting for you. Rosalia.
The sudden loss of your mother and brother is a stunning event, it is normal to grieve and feel a wide range of difficult emotions. That is a good thing. Try to do something every day that you used to enjoy. Make a list of your good friends & call one every day, or meet them somewhere. Your mum & brother are truly watching over you and suffering with you, and would want you to go on on with your life. They will live now through you. When my grandmother died when I was a child, I felt like she was my guardian angel for many years. I believe now she kept me alive during some dangerous times. Cindy.
I've never done something like this before, but your question touched me. What I feel is that we can never forget the ones we've loved, and we must never forget them. Although these memories hurt you right now, there'll be a moment when all this pain will become the most loveable memories you'll have. I know it is really hard, I cannot imagine how much hurt you feel right now, but you've got to keep hoping. Maybe you need something you can put your hope and desires to, sometimes it's a job, others, a hobby, but most people find the need to live in others. What I think is that you should find someone you can tell all this stuff and talk every time you need to talk. And when you feel down, remember it's not a bad thing to be sad. You just got to keep walking through life till you find a new reason that makes you love this life as much as ever. Hope is the last thing we have to lose. Hope this helps you. Best wishes. Marta.
It's not wrong to cry, it's not wrong to miss. It's not wrong to feel sad. What is important is to find someone who you can talk to. Someone who listens and comforts you and believe me, these people are everyone. You can talk to anyone you know and they will comfort you.
Life has challenges because without them, life wouldn't be much to live. This is one of the hardest challenges I have heard of but you can't let the negativity take over. There is a time to mourn and there is a time to move on. But moving on doesn't mean to forget anyone. No moving on means to remember the ones you love for who they are and why you love them, then continue living.
One thing that will help you, is to forgive. Let the anger go because it only causes damage to yourself and others and instead forgive. Forgive and believe they are in a better place. Believe they look down on you with love and smiles, waiting for you to continue your life and be happy. Believe in goodness and happiness and you will receive goodness and happiness. Nicholas.
Have faith in the good around you. There is always love in the world. You can find it anywhere. Just as there can be no light without darkness, hardship and loss can illuminate the love in your life. With patience and courage to persevere through adversity, you will find the light. We have all experienced this because we are all human. Chin up, and listen to more Coldplay. It helps when you think "everything's not lost" and "help is just around the corner" - one could quote optimistic Coldplay lyrics all day. With peace and good wishes, Mina.
This immediately made me thought about one of the most beautiful quotes that I know which is: "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." [Elisabeth Kubler-Ross]
Her story is touching me deeply, cause I'm at the moment passing through hard times too and I think all this crap won't end one day but what I mean, is that I'm anyway trying to see the light. She should listen to the song "42" "Those who are dead are not dead They just living in my head". All my love, Delphine.
This beautiful world gives us good things but also gives us difficulties that we have to overcome in order to find happiness. Don't forget that our mission on earth is to be happy, and of course you will need time to cure emotions, but don't forget that it's your life you're living and you should move on with your amazing journey with the people that are with you today and cherish you. It sounds cold and tough but life does go on, and so should you, so go back to what really makes you smile and try to enjoy the things that make this life worth living. Don't loose focus on you and remember that change hurts, everybody, not only you will have to go on this same hurtfully road of loosing people they love but its a natural thing that happens in every place ever single day. Even though the people you lost are irreplaceable think about this: in the future there will be more amazing people that will come into your life and make you feel happy and complete. Its all in you to make things right. Griselda.
I am sorry first and foremost to hear of all your losses, that is just brutal. If only we could just make it all go away but my dear we can't. We go on breathing and living and we just don't understand why the world keeps turning but go on it does and you will too. I have lost friends, a parent and seen much suffering and personal heartache. What kept me going was to find a simple thing I enjoyed and to do it. Find the thing that makes you most happy today and do it. Maybe it's writing a letter to your lost ones, maybe it's taking long walks to work out how you feel inside. Write a blog or journal, these things can help but ultimately there is no quick fix for this, it will take time. Take care of yourself by getting enough rest (if you can sleep) and by eating properly it can help your mood a lot and of course it helps to talk to someone who has been through this. I had a friend who in one calendar year lost her daughter, husband and mother yet with faith and endurance she is a happy person. Yes it still bothers her at times, it will, but the ones you have lost would want you to live your life, its the best way for you to honour their memory, I wish you peace now and happiness always, Laurie.
Never Give Up! Remember those great times that you lived with your mom and brother. Remember when your brother cheered you up.
Imagine this: If you died instead of your brother what would he do? He would be the strong as he could be and that's what you have to be. When you feel like you can't go anymore, look up to the sky and you will see that you have 2 big angels that are taking care of you. They'll never EVER are gonna let you alone I swear YOU! You're awesome Diana I know you can do It! Trust me I did it and it works. Be as close with your family as you can! Enjoy it and see life in a positive way, It's beautiful and we only have one chance to live it! Sincerely Catalina.
Of course you shouldn't try to forget them. In fact, you should try to remember every single moment with them. Maybe you'll laugh about a joke he made, or maybe you'll cry because it's a beautiful memory. If you do that, then you'll be processing the loss of such close relatives. I wish to you a strong force which will help you getting back on track. With kind regards, Robert.
I am sure these mails will help you. First of all I would like to send a big, strong and everlasting hug so you can cry cry cry and cry your eyes out. What I can say to you and with my heart in hand is that whatever you do, do it honoring your mother and brother, find in your memories the strenght needed to follow your dreams, those you once shared with them; besides you are not alone, you are blessed and these messages prove it. Kisses always, Edgar.
Thank you all so much for your replies. Another week of many helpful responses. Keep 'em coming!
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