July 15, 2011 - submitted by Glenn, Belgium

Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION - #32

"I'm single now for almost 3 years. My last girlfriend dumped me after nine months. My confidence just hit rockbottom since then. In the past 3 years she started and ended relationships on a regular basis. The only time I heard from her is when she either started dating a fellow again or got dumped. So the other day she starts texting me that she needs my help: she is tired of life and doesn't want to live anymore because she got dumped again. So yet again I keep talking courage into her like always. And as I predicted I heard nothing from her after a couple of days. In other words: when I boosted her self image enough, she didn't know me. This being the eigth or nineth time this happened in this exact fashion, I had enough. I told her what was who and that if she saw me only as a booster of her confidence while she destroyed mine completely, she should fine herself another fool. She said, I'm sorry, I'll leave you alone. Now I'm starting to doubt my action because that was not my intent. Dear Oracle, PLEASE, I need some advise! Glenn".


The Oracle replies:

I thought this was going to involve a lengthy response but quite honestly, I could just say this: you've done the right thing.
It took you a while to realise how selfish she was being which shows how much you still care about her and what a lovely chap you are but she is no longer your responsibility. She has no right to treat you that way and has totally disregarded your feelings. Her cries for help are attention seeking and each time you help, her ego is boosted while you're left deflated when she drops you.
I'm really glad you are finally putting yourself first. Self respect is a good sign you're moving on. Chances are she will come back and try again so I implore you to try and stick to your guns. It may feel like you're being unkind and acting against your better judgement but again, you have done the right thing. Over to you...

I do not think you should doubt your action. I think it was the right thing to do. You were tired of the way she treated you (and I think you were right, it was not correct) and you made that clear to her, that does make sense to me. You may (not must) doubt the way you made the message clear to her, maybe it was too roughly. My advice to you is: learn from it and let it go. If you apologize now, the statement will come undone and she will go back to you if she has a similar problem. I am for sure she has found another person who listens to her problems. So let it go, everything will be alright! Good luck, Renske.

It was great that you helped your ex in time of trouble and that you tried to boost her self-confidence. Glenn, the people we meet in our lives, our loves, our, ex's, our friends, our foes, they all have different needs and different attitudes. And I understand how you felt when it came to boosting her confidence while she totally destroyed yours. If you still care about her and still want to help her, then calmly tell her that you do. Since she knows how you feel, hopefully she'll treat you better. And hopefully in doing this you fix old wounds and become friends again. You did the right thing Glenn and I hope the best for you. Billy N.

At the end of your question, you mention that you set her straight, and she said she will leave you alone. You then mention that this was not your intent. I have one question for you: Do you still have feelings for your ex-girlfriend? You told her how you feel, and she agreed not to bother you anymore, so why would you question your action? (unless you still want to be with her, of course). If she is continuing to bring down your confidence 3 years after you broke up, then why are you still communicating with her? It seems to me like you indeed still want to be with her. It is also possible that she is contacting you for advice because she may have unresolved feelings for you as well. Talk with her and get these feelings sorted out, and if you two are done, then make sure to separate from each other entirely. Talking with her will only continue to hinder your confidence, and you'll never be able to move on. Best of luck. Blake.

It is good to boost another's self confidence, but not at the risk of losing your own. Breaking patterns is good. Look inside your heart and you will find that you have all the answers. Your time will come, but it is not necessarily obvious or easy to see which way to go. Always take the most difficult path, you will learn the most. Think about unconditional love, and what it takes to honor yourself and your friends respectfully. M.A

Glenn, dude, just let her go. It's obvious this "relationship" isn't healthy for either of you. She's basically using you for her own gain. You did the right thing, and you shouldn't feel bad about it at all. Good luck with everything. Violet.

It's okay, I'm thinking you misinterpreted what you think she saw in you, and you overreacted. You two were in a relationship, and it didn't work out, but she still valued you as a friend, she felt as if she could talk to you, and she came to you for advice where she needed it, dating. You need to go talk to her, tell her you still care about her, but if you don't want to be giving her dating advice, make that clear. You two still care about each other, and that's a great recipe for good friends. Best wishes, Bradley H.

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