June 17, 2011 - submitted by Grace, Canada
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION - #29
In April, I ended things with a guy. I still liked him alot, but I just didn't want a relationship.
He took it really hard, and I'm pretty sure he hates me now.
Whenever I try to talk to him, he keeps saying how I broke his heart and everything, and I'm starting to feel really bad and guilty about what happened. I know I have no reason to, I just didn't want a relationship, it was a mistake. But I still feel terrible.
Now I can't stop saying I'm sorry, and he just won't forgive me.
At this point, he is being childish, but I can't take the guilt of knowing I've broken someones heart anymore... And I don't know what to do about it if he won't accept my sincere apologies.
Also, alot of his friends are starting to hate me now. Some of them are also my friends, and I'm losing them.
Dear Oracle, please help me. I can't take the guilt and the hate. I don't know what to do anymore. Grace.
The Oracle replies:
He doesn't hate you even if he thinks he does; he's understandably angry and hurt. Maybe you did break his heart and sadly that can happen but it doesn't mean you did it deliberately and are certainly not getting any pleasure from the situation. You made a bad judgement but admitted your real feelings. It's natural to feel guilty but it's not necessarily justified. You have apologised and if that is not accepted it is not up to you to keep trying. I wouldn't say he's being childish as it's a natural reaction but one sincere apology is enough on your part; you can't speed up his reaction to it. If he isn't willing to accept your apology just yet it's obvious he's still hurting so needs time and space. I'm afraid this is also relevant to his friends. They need time too. Right now they are being supportive of their friend and it would be hard to split their loyalties if they were friends with him before you. Don't worry, if you're meant to be friends you will all find a way through the difficulties in time but don't rush any part of this. If it helps you to know that I am now best friends with the best friends of an ex but it took a while before they came back as they were busy being diplomatic. I would just advise you sit tight, get on with your life, stop apologising and whatever happens, remain quiet about your private life with your ex with mutual acquaintances. There'll be more respect for you in the long run but in break-ups this is sadly all very familiar and normal. Over to you...
Sometimes it's really hard in life to know that when you're right, everyone else around is keeping you down. You did the right thing by ending your relationship before things went out of hand. I'm also really sorry to hear that your losing your friends because of this. We have to keep going on in life even though things look grim. You shouldn't feel guilty if you know what you did was right. Yes most people do take break-ups pretty hard, but when things reach this extent then it's not right. He should know that you didn't want a relationship at the time. He shouldn't be mad at you, rather respect your opinion and the choice you made. I say keep moving forward and eventually things will get back on track. I wish you the best Grace. Billy N.
As a male I get what your ex is going through, love is different with boys than girls, when we put our hearts and love out there for someone special. We don't stop to think of it ever ending or that the person we love will end it either, we kind of think one dimensional and long term, and every boy in the world has been hurt by love at one time or another, but he will one day get over you and until he does you can not be his friend. He does not see you as a friend, he only sees you as a lover and you need to give him space and stay completely out of his life "for now". One day maybe he will see you as a friend. That will take time but believe me every time you try to talk to him his mind is thinking of being with you as a lover and it is hurting him and it is only making things worse for him, and if your friends were really your friends they would not take sides but be there for both of you. I hope things get better for you. Michael.
Honestly, if he's playing it this much, maybe he's not really that hurt. It might be possible he is trying to guilt you back into the relationship. Personally, I don't think it is your fault. Maybe you weren't ready to be that close, which is perfectly fine. And if your "friends" are starting to leave you because if this incident, that just makes them jerks. It's not their dilemma, and you did nothing wrong! I would suggest telling the guy not to chase his tail- in other words, he's stuck in a circle. He needs to move on, because his sadness will not only reflect upon you, but him also. I hope you get this figured out, and just remember- it's NOT your fault! Shelby.
I think that the person you broke up with has every right to be upset, but he shouldn't go off acting like that. he should be accepting the fact that you don't want a relationship and that he (and you) should move on. Also, i find that some guys have a hard time letting go of someone they used to be with. you shouldn't be feeling guilty, and he his acting very childish. I think that maybe you could talk to him about the reasons why you don't want a relationship. If he doesn't want to move on, then that is his fault. you obviously broke up with him for a reason, and that means you guys were not meant for each other. You did nothing wrong. he will soon be able to move on with his life and find another person to enjoy his life with. Franni.
You are in a tough situation, but you will be a stronger person after some time. Guilt is the hundred-pound weight tied to you which keeps you from moving on. The ex-boyfriend and his friends are using that weight, aka guilt, to keep try to control you. The less contact you have with him and his friends, the better for you. You have no control over and are not responsible for other people's feelings, remember that. You have to take care of yourself and do what is best for you, which is not selfish, it is caring and loving for yourself. Eventually, he will move on and you will be able to move on. I would suggest spending time with your friends who have no connection with him, and find new friends and new positive activities. Time only moves forward. Be strong for yourself. Nancy.
I'm really sorry how bad you're feeling, and I know what's the feeling if someone broke your heart so I can understand your little friend, don't blame him because in that situation love turns to be hate. There's nothing harder than bieng refused by the one that you love beleive me, it happened to me but thanks God Coldplay were here for me so what I think you should do is accept that pure love from him and as it seems to me you like him too so why not to try, my dear just give a chance to yourself and to him and if it didn't work then you can stop that relation, try to be positif before you lose your friends too and then that feeling of guilt you said gonna be hard more and more than that. This is my opinion but at the end just follow your heart to do the right and I'm sure our friends around the world could have opinions better that mine. My sincere love and wishes of luck, your friend Salma.
I understand how difficult this situation is, and I'm very sorry to hear that you're being put through it. You shouldn't let this situation make you feel bad, you didn't do anything wrong! Honestly, I would recommend that you move on from apologizing, it's totally understandable that you didn't want to be in a relationship. Perhaps you should talk to your mutual friends, he may not be willing to listen to what you have to say, but if you tell his/your friends that you didn't want to be in a relationship, he would hear from them, that it was nothing against him personally, and they can help you to get him to listen to reason. Bradley.
I was once in the same position as your ex, having my heart broken, but I never took it as far as that. You hurt him badly, and that hurt drove him to anger. His actions reveal that you were right to break up with him. You didn't want a relationship, and there's nothing wrong with that. What he's doing to your friends, however, is very wrong. Taking them away by smearing your name is certainly something he has no right to do, no matter how hurt he is. This, like my own loss of love, is just a minor speed bump in your life. Your existence will not and should not revolve around this event, and I'm sure you'll move past this very soon. Secondly, that this boy is probably so hateful because he still loves you. Anytime a boy’s heart is broken, he will always find it easier to get over the girl by finding reasons to hate her. To hate is easier than to love for most people, I'm afraid. But remember, you have maturity and apologized, and his actions are totally immature. Tell (re-tell) your friends your side, and even if they don't listen, you will survive. Adam M.
First & Foremost, Well Done You for Being True to Yourself. It sounds like he is hurting; so give him a bit of piece & quiet. I've fallen into the trap of (from experience) trying to make it better. Actually your apologies and the checking up on him assuage your own guilt; IT DOES NOT HELP HIM.
You made your choice; this man's well-being is no longer your responsibility. You have been v clear with him about that. If you are able to talk to his friends, your insight may be able to help. I don't know. Don't beat yourself up – follow the path that's right for you. No individual can be responsible for another's state of mind. It is up to one as an individual to decide how to deal with the stuff living throws at us. And guess what, you can and will. You might learn something – enjoy it, I bet it's fun! Bee.
It wasn't your fault, would you have rather stayed and been regretting it? Now, you have all these people who quite possibly have no idea the details of the breakup or don't understand your point of view, and are feeling sorry for him because he spread one side of the story. In this case, it is best to ignore the situation and stick to your true friends. Trying to tell people your point of view will likely cause drama, which is what ‘spectators’, feed off of anyway. Remember people often forget things that may seem 'unforgettable' within at most, couple weeks. There will always be other drama that starts and people will grow bored of the issue. And if they don't come around after it settles they weren't friends to begin with. Your ex is acting melodramatic it seems, and the best way to handle him, is to not beg for forgiveness because that contradicts your reason to leave him, but rather ignore him, and let others see how childish he is acting. This is just one of many relationships you will experience in your life. Don't let this effect you so harshly. Sincerely, Joel. Florida.
Every break-up is hard for both people involved. Whether a person has ended it or not. I understand that you ex-boyfriend is upset, but it does not give him the right to make you feel uncomfortable about yourself or with the friends that you share. Ask him and yourself these questions: 1) Would you both really be happy if you carried on with the relationship knowing that you weren't comfortable with carrying it on? 2) If you were in his situation would you do the same to him, as he has done to you? 3) If you like or love someone, don't you want them to be happy, what ever they decide? I feel that you have nothing to feel guilty about. I know that this has been said many times before, and that this may sound selfish, but sometimes you have to put your best interests first. You can't always please people. Because in the end, you will be the one left unhappy. I think that you should both move on from this, and learn from this. Lingering on the past will not improve anything. The friends that you share should not take sides, but treat you both the same. Your both going through a bad time, and your friends should support you both. Life is too short. I hope that this has helped, and good luck. Lexi.
You did what was best for you at the time, so try not to let his words weigh you down. If you haven't already, try talking with him about the guilt you've felt since you split and ask him what he's feeling. He may be acting this way because he probably didn't see this break-up coming in the least bit. This might be his way of trying to get back at you for ending the relationship. If he continues to be childish and dwell on the past and not respond in a reasonable manner, then don't give him any more thought and try to move on as best you can. It's terrible when friends take sides, as it only causes the problem to get worse. Again, tell your friends what you're feeling and ask them that they give you their support. I wish you all the best. Blake.
You shouldn't feel bad about anything. You did what you felt was right. It's much better to stop a relationship like that than to lie and pretend that you still wanted to be with him. Yeah, he's taking it really hard, and things like this take time to get over, but eventually, he will get over it and move on with his life. In the meantime, don't worry about him. Give him his space and let him handle his feelings in his own way. As far as his/your friends are concerned, they shouldn't matter at all. This was between you and him, so they should stay out of your personal business. If they can't accept your decision graciously, then they aren't as great of friends as you thought they were. I hope this helps. Violet.
Over the years one comes to realize some very basic things about personal relationships. While your ex may be behaving in ways engineered to make you feel badly - only you can make yourself feel guilt. You are in control of your feelings and how you interpret them. If you do not accept that there is anything to feel badly about for ending the relationship then re-engineer the way you are responding. You should not feel sorry unless you are....you alone can change the fabric of your thoughts. Good luck. PS - If you "shared" friends suddenly hate you for breaking up with him, they were never friends to begin with. SLR, Canada.
Beginning, maintaining and/or ending any relationship can be difficult. It's a gamble any time we humankind interact, and more so on a romantic level. Don't beat yourself up over this. You did what you thought was right at the time and it simply didn't work out. Say your goodbyes and move forward. Even though its hard, don't let other peoples reactions get in your way. As long as you know you did the right thing in the right way, this bump will pass and you"ll have gained valuable experience to use next time the relationship question rears its head. Chin up and march on Coldplayer! We believe in you. LezLee.
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