January 21, 2011 - submitted by Katy, United Kingdom
Q. Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION - #9
"I need help. My dad will marry again and I don't agree. I don't like the woman he is dating. It's because of her that my parents are divorced. How do I face this situation?
Thanks and hugs, Katy".
The Oracle replies:
I would imagine so many people can relate to how you are feeling Katy and I am one of them. Well, as a child I thought I was but I did not know all the facts so I blamed people that were not necessarily to blame. It is incredibly hard to see parents separate and move on with someone else. Trust me when I say that it's far better than them staying together and being miserable. I don't know which parent you live with or how your Mum is feeling but I'm sorry to say that this is something you will just have to accept. You don't have to like her but your Dad does so it makes sense to be polite and civil for his sake. It won't do any good to be otherwise and you may find it gets easier as time passes. The only advice I can give first hand is to never let yourself be forced into any situation you don't feel comfortable with, before YOU are ready - like sleeping over or being told what to call her or to offer her physical hugs if you don't want to. One day it all might make a lot more sense than it does right now; let them all get on with it but in the meantime talk to friends and don't bottle up your feelings. It's hard not to get caught in the middle so I guess if you can try not to. Your Mum might need your support but don't lose sight of what your needs are too. I could go on but I hand it over to you...
I was in your situation when I was younger, too. I thought my step mom was the reason for my parents divorce but as time went on, I actually liked her and realized she wasn't the reason for my parents divorce. My advice for you: don't hold a grudge on her, try to find qualities in her, do stuff together like go out to eat and go to movies. If worse comes to worse and you can stand her, don't let that ruin your relationship with your dad. I'm sorry for your parents divorce, I know how hard that can be. Best of luck!! Caitlin
I had a friend who was in this situation, but still I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. One of the most important things you can do is be open about your emotions. Tell your dad exactly how you feel; he may get his girlfriend to talk to you personally. She will have to understand if you are still angry at her.
Only you know the people involved, so use good judgement and talk to him calmly, or you may just end up making your dad angry. Lukas
Now that I'm older, been through relationships of my own and done a lot of soul searching I have realized that what your parents do is something they will have to answer to later on, not you. Their mistakes are theirs, their wrongs and problems are theirs to solve and fix or not but you are not why they do what they do, they are. I know you know right from wrong. Just make sure to try your best to always do the right thing. No matter how much it might hurt, be kind to everyone. (Even the step-mom to be). Most harm or unhappiness you wish upon others usually comes back to you. You loved your dad before this happened I'm guessing and the dad you loved is still there. He's searching for something by doing this but that is not for you to figure out. Love your mother and father and be good to them and you will be rewarded. Deana.
I think you should look at how happy your father was in his last relationship and compare it to how happy he is in his current one. If you don't like her then you need to just talk to your father about it and find out if she is truly the one that he wants to be with. You should focus on how he feels about her and maybe try to get to know her. Graham
As much as you may not like the woman your father is going to marry, your choices are very simple; either try and get along with her or you will have to forget about having a relationship with your father.
You see, just as you wouldn't like you parents picking your life long partner, and you wouldn't like them being nasty to the man of your dreams, you cannot judge your parents choices either.
Unfortunately, you will have to be grown up about this situation, as tough as this may be for you.
I would also like to advise you to stop playing the blame game. The people involved in this situation are all adults who knew what they were doing, good and bad. There a usually a myriad of reasons why relationships fail that go far beyond a woman stealing another's husband, so there's no joy to be found in trying to point fingers at anyone.
Your dad will always be your dad, and try to be happy for him! Good luck! Joanne.
This is a really difficult situation to be in, and I'm afraid there is no easy way around it. You don't approve of the woman your father is going to marry. I can only say that although it is frustrating to feel powerless about this situation, there are things you can do to regain some semblance of control. First, is to come to terms with your father loving someone other than your mother. Second, is to realize that this woman may represent to you the loss of hope you've had for your parents' reconciliation. This association can definitely heighten your negative feelings for her. Third, is to talk with your father alone about these feelings. Let him know that you are struggling with this.
You love both your parents. It's understandable for you to still be angry with your father, especially if you see his behavior as having strongly contributed to the divorce. Yet, you want him to be happy. He's clearly ready to move on. Think of this woman's presence as a means to your father's happiness, and not as a betrayal of your mother and of your past as a family. Give yourself the opportunity to develop a relationship, however strained it may be in the beginning, with this woman who someday may very well turn out to be an important person in your life. This is a really tough situation to find yourself in, and it will require maturity, patience, and time for you to navigate.
Good luck to you! Aimee
That's the deal with love Katy, it can be so great but at the same time very harmful. I think you should talk to your dad, explain every little thing that is affecting you; but before you do, I recommend you highly organize your ideas; because many times people think that as you are a girl, you might naturally tend to be jealous about that woman. So if you prepare your talk they'll take it serious. I know your parents' divorce was hard, but it was necessary for them to be happy. Please do not be mean to your Dad's girlfriend, that'd be impolite and very disappointing to your dad, we are going to solve this problem but using the right way. Speak to both of them (your Mom and Dad), tell them what is happening and how you feel. It would be really good if you could get to meet the woman your dad will marry, maybe she is not as bad as you think. You are just feeling upset that your dad will be married again. Maturity yet courage, nay patience are the elements you need to face this problem that I'm sure will bring you loads of personal growth. Listen to yourself, raise your voice if you need to, but never let your past damage your future. Mahomed J.
This is a tricky situation. My best advice for you is to talk with your dad about why you find this woman and his decision upsetting. You should also be understanding of your dad's perspective, too. How might you feel if your dad strongly disliked someone you were dating? As hard as it may seem, you should respect your dad's decision and offer him your support, whichever path that may be. Blake
This is an awful situation and you are very brave for having to put up with it. What I would recommend to you is to talk with your Dad about how you feel in as much detail as possible, so that he really understands why you are so unhappy. If you have already done this, maybe do it again just to reinforce your feelings. Maybe you could talk to your Mum too, to see what she thinks, but be careful not to take sides as this is usually not a very good idea. What you could also do is make a list of things you like about your father's new fiancée and a list of things you don't like about her, to make sure you know exactly why you don't like her so much. Also, talk to other people who have gone through a similar situation to try and see what they did/didn't do and whether it helped or not. Talking to people is the best way to get rid of some of your emotion, but be careful that you don't burden them too much! I hope some of this helps! Good luck, Madeleine x
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