January 7, 2011 - submitted by Emma, United Kingdom
Q. Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION - #7
"My best friend likes the boy that I'm with. I don't want my friend to feel bad!, I feel so guilty but I don't want to leave my boyfriend, and I don't know what to do so that my friend does not feel bad! She knows that I know that she likes my boyfriend and she's well aware of how I feel. HELP ME!!! Emma"
The Oracle replies:
I'm going to guess that before you started dating your boyfriend you both knew that you both liked him? That would go someway to explain why she is so upset about it and why you feel so guilty. You don't need to feel guilty; you have done nothing wrong.
If there is no history between your friend and your boyfriend (if he didn't date her before you for example) then this is something that your friend is going to have to accept. If she's a true friend she will want you to be happy and will eventually be happy for you. I don't like the word selfish but it sounds as though your friend is only thinking about herself with a disregard for your feelings yet you are being very considerate towards her feelings. It may seem harsh but I don't think you need to talk to her about it unless she is actually making life difficult for you. She will find a boyfriend of her own but in the meantime I don't really see why you should avoid public shows of affection with him in front of her or avoid talking about him. I hope you don't take offence as I assume that you are both still quite young? Not that I'm saying this doesn't happen in later years as I know that it does... She's your friend and of course 'up to you but I think she will have to find her own way to cope with the situation as there isn't anything you can do to change it. Well, there is but I do not suggest that option at all! Over to you.
If I were you I'd tell my friend that I understand how she feels, but that it's just the way it is. She'll meet the love of her life one day, she will! She herself just has to believe that she will. I'm sure she'd understand! She just needs some time :-) After I'd talked to her I would do anything I could do to get every single thought about him off her mind by spending some real "girltime" with her, only me and her, trying to have conversations without talking about him and so on. Trying to pretend like everything is like it was before you and he got together. Of course you shouldn't be like that all the time, but maybe for a little while. Then she'll get a little "space" keeping her mind on everything else than him.
I really hope this helped a little and that everything works out for you Emma, your friend and your boyfriend. Good luck! Celina
That's a tough situation. Both of them mean a lot to you, I think. But she (or he, but I assume it's a she) is a friend of yours, so she needs to understand that you have a boyfriend, and she cannot take him from you. You love him and he loves you. So why break up? She should be happy for you. And there are a lot of nice guys for her! I think you should talk to her and tell her that she really has to understand that he is your boyfriend. And take her out on a Saturday night to look for a nice guy for her! I don't think you should break up with him for her. I wish you the best of luck! Again, it's a tough situation. Caitlin
Friends don't steal their friends' boyfriends, nor do they forfeit their own boyfriends in order to make their sad friends happy. Your friend needs to respect your and your boyfriend's relationship and its boundaries. Why do you feel guilty? Is this naturally-occurring guilt because she's miserable and you're not, or is your friend manipulating your relationship to get what she doesn't have - namely your man?!
There are many, many wonderful young men out in the world for her to discover. I think a nice course of redirection is in order: why don't you and your boyfriend conspire to fix her up with one of his nice, eligible friends? Matchmaking may show her how much you care, all the while clearly letting her know that your man is not on the menu. It's what good friends do: be supportive and helpful, without sacrificing your own needs and happiness! Aimee
I am in high school at the moment, and many people are also in this situation, because girls talk about boys they like together all the time, and usually, there is a specific person they talk about (Robert Patterson, Talor Lautner, for example, LOL). So don't worry, your friend is probably not mad at you, and besides, it's that guys decision anyways, and he decided to date you. So just leave the situation alone, and if you don't feel comfortable, talk to your friend about it, honestly. Good luck! Mitchell
This really is a tough situation, and it's made even harder by the fact that you're clearly such a loyal friend. It's very commendable that you don't want your friend to feel bad, but you shouldn't be the one feeling guilty. The mistake we often make when being so considerate towards others is that we tend to disregard our own feelings and happiness. It is very important that you do what will keep/make YOU happy - your friend isn't doing this - and that might mean you'll have to act a little selfishly. If this girl is your best friend, perhaps she couldn't necessarily help the way she feels. She should, however, be concerned for your happiness - he is your boyfriend after all. You could choose to confront her about it. If both of you can speak about it in a mature manner, you should be able to resolve the issue without too much negativity. If this friend is as loyal as you are, she'll probably choose to ignore the feelings she has for him, for your sake. Ultimately, you should do what is best for your happiness first, as well as the friendship. Elthea
Emma, you shouldn't feel bad! If she knows how you feel then I'm sure she's feeling just as uncomfortable with the situation as you are. Though it's bound to be awkward (and I'd know having once been in your friends position) after she sees how you two act as a couple I'm sure she'll get over her feelings for your boyfriend and things will go back to normal. Just try not to put her in situations where she could feel more uncomfortable. Don't underestimate your friendship with her - if she's really a good friend she wouldn't do anything to jeopardise any relationship you hold dear. Hope things work out well for you all, Grace
Well Emma that's not a really good situation, all that I can tell you is that: she is your best friend, and everyone knows that the friends are forever; if she love you, she know that she can't be in love of your boyfriend, and maybe she will forget him, I suggest you to talk with your friend, and tell her that you always want to know everything if she feels bad or if it doesn't matter, all I want to tell you is that she is your friend and in a any possible situation please talk with her and never stop being best friends. With love Nidia
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